Dear Tiggy,
I’m a 21-year old bi woman who hasn’t figured out how to be out there, if that makes any sense. I grew up in a socially conservative town and an immigrant family. The country my parents emigrated from barely had a feminist revolution, let alone an LGBT one. They are, fortunately, relatively open-minded.
The point is, there wasn’t much room for experimentation when I was growing up. Even having very short hair was breaking an established norm, one that I broke with absolute relish. I’m now attending a college that is the complete opposite – very liberal, and a sexually open student body. I’ve met LGBT people who have been out for years.
One thing I realized in this new environment was that while the straight student body was all about questioning and breaking gender norms, many lesbians and bisexual women identified as butch or femme, and put enormous weight on those identities. This was new to me. I’d never paid much attention to my appearance; I wore whatever clothes were on hand. The prospect of, say, joining a baseball team is as alien to me as dolling up my face is. As to the people I’m attracted to, they include anyone – butches, femmes, “feminine” men, androgynous people, etc.
I really want to make a real connection with someone but I worry that I’m too invisible and passive for that to ever happen. I know that I am bi but should I figure out how to wear it?
—Mandy
Girl, if I’m not gonna make you pick a gender to date, I’m sure as hell not gonna make you pick a gender to wear.
Your friends may have been out for years but it sounds like they’re developmentally in a similar place as you: figuring out who they are and what they like. Lots of folks do that through experimentation. There’s also a common feeling of needing to “prove” to yourself that you’re part of a group, so you might start out a bit more extreme in your visible affiliation, whether through style or mannerisms. Once you’re more secure in your identity, you tend to tone it down a bit.
And yet, we can’t write off interest in the whole butch/femme/andro dynamic as a phase, since it continues to play out among queer adults of all ages. Interestingly, it seems to vary by geography. Even more interestingly, LBT women constantly complain about how limiting the dynamic can be, even as they participate in it.
Sociology aside, you can feel free to try on these different identities yourself, or feel just as free not to. If you’re only concerned that not subscribing to one will render you invisible to potential dates, then I’d say that you should work on other ways of being out. If you’re worried that not committing to one will make you unattractive to your love interests, don’t give it another thought. Lots of people out there are going to love Mandy for Mandy, with or without a studded belt. Trust.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.