Dear Tiggy,
I’m a bi woman in a relationship with a man whom I love and we have a great sex life. I still masturbate sometimes and when I do, I like to look at pictures and videos of naked women. I’m worried that he’ll find out that I like female porn and feel bad about himself because of it. It kills me to think that I might make him feel like he’s not enough for me or not what I want, or that he doesn’t turn me on. None of that is true at all! I just like mainstream female porn when I masturbate, I don’t know why.
Should I give up the porn entirely? I suppose I could incorporate it into our sex life but I don’t want to. Is it OK for me to like this stuff? If he ever finds out that this is what I like to masturbate to, is there anything I can say so that he doesn’t feel terrible about it?
—Pornland
It’s OK for you to like that stuff, and I think that’s the issue at hand here. I think if you start to see how many people – women, especially – enjoy porn and how varied our interests are, the shame angle of your story will dissipate and you’ll feel a lot less anxious about this. I get that you’re sincerely concerned for your boyfriend’s feelings but I also think that you’re projecting your discomfort onto him.
To get good with your totally normal porn appreciation, make a plan to go to a women-only event or two at the nearest progressive, women-owned sex shop, e.g. Good Vibrations in Boston and San Francisco, Babeland in Seattle and NYC, Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis and Denver, etc. I think it’ll do you good to see so many other women who are cool with whatever might turn them on. After that, summon up the courage to ask a few of your own female friends if they ever look at porn.
Next, pick up Violet Blue’s A Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn. The book is a review of how women can find porn that they like and addresses the obstacles therein, including how formulaic it is, the typical anti-women content, and more. The very first section in the first chapter is entitled, “Women Are Turned on by Explicit Imagery, Period.” A validating read, for sure.
Finally, you can keep your mainstream female porn all to yourself if you like, but I suggest that you try some new things in bed with your boyfriend – toys, other kinds of porn, the sky’s the limit. The sex shops listed above will be helpful in getting your creative (and, uh, other) juices flowing in that regard. I hear that your sex life is “great” but I don’t know if that means there’s a lot of variety there. See, I doubt that mainstream female porn is the only thing that gets you going. Once you find some other sexual funsies that you and your dude can share, the fact that you have this one thing that you want to keep to yourself won’t bother you as much. If your boyfriend ever does stumble upon your masturbatory preferences, both of you will already be confident that your joint sex life is dynamic and multi-faceted, so I doubt it will feel threatening to him.
One last thing: do you think you and he might start an ongoing conversation on what it means to you to be bi? That’s the other thing I’m picking up on: your need to completely compartmentalize your desire for women and your desire for men, at least in front of your boyfriend.
Alright, now go ahead and start the best homework anyone’s ever been given.
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.