Dear Tiggy,
I’m a girl and I love my best friend…a lot. Guess what the problem is? She’s asexual and, therefore, has no interest in men or women. I’ve told her about my gigantic crush on her. She says she doesn’t mind, but I do.
I hate how much I love her (or at least think I do). What should I do?
-Alex
There’s hope yet, Alex. Have a look at this excellent website on asexuality called AVEN: Asexual Visibility & Education Network. It’s a terrific resource in a world where asexuals are extremely misunderstood and ignored. (Note to asexuals: as fellow minorities-within-the-sexual-minority, bisexuals totally feel your pain. Much love to you for sure.)
You’ll see on this site that asexuals do not experience sexual attraction but they can certainly be emotionally and otherwise attracted to people. From the site: “[Some] asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.” Furthermore: “Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.”
Do you know what this means? It means you still have a shot!
Okay, okay, okay, hang on. There are still a bunch of questions to answer. In order:
1.) Is she interested in having an emotional partnership with another person?
2.) Does she consider herself bisexual, lesbian, or straight? (Yes, Virginia, there are bisexual asexuals.)
3.) Are you interested in having a romantic relationship with someone who does not want to have sex? Remember, she might be open to discussing various relationship options, like polyamory.
And if the answers look good thus far, there’s only one more question:
4.) Does she like you that way?
Alex, I feel like you’re the protagonist in a video game who we’re all hoping will win. I’m sure you’d be up for battling villains and performing acrobatic feats but your mission can only be completed through communication, patience, honesty, and vulnerability. (Yeah, I know, you’d rather fight a dragon with fireballs. We’d all rather fight a dragon with fireballs.) Really listen to her describe her feelings and experience. I hope in the end, you two are a match made in the queerest of heavens.
P.S. Be sure to read the Huffington Post’s series on asexuality all this week.
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.