January 21, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

First, thanks for what you do. This site has been a very calming place for me as I’m trying to make a safe, comfortable place for my 16-year old son to talk to me.

I learned recently, through social media, that he is searching for a gender identity. From what I gather, he feels like a male most all the time, but really wants to have the freedom to be pretty and/or feminine when he chooses, without creating a scene.

Because he cosplays often, people accept his “dressing up” as character role play and he gets a lot of positive attention from it. But the fallback is that he feels no one takes his feminine side seriously.

Unfortunately, I have been unknowingly insensitive in the past when photos of him in a dress, or with makeup on have popped up on Tumblr accounts. I really thought he was just doing it for laughs so I razzed him a bit. Now, I’m afraid he won’t open up, even though I told him that his mom and I love him unconditionally.

I appreciate your insights on taking a deep breath and waiting on his timeline, not mine. I don’t mind his curiosity, but I’m concerned he’s getting his answers from strangers who have speculative knowledge at best and present themselves as “expert.”

One of your articles expressed the frustration out there when trying to get good information. I feel his personality type (sweet and accommodating) is easy prey for a charismatic, self-described “authority.”

In your opinion, do you think the conflicting (or bad) information he collects is more helpful or harmful when it comes to formulating his self image?

-Jack

Jack, people like you are the reason that the rest of us haven’t yet lost hope for this world. You are the raddest of dads. I’m so pleased to hear that this site is helpful to you; it certainly sounds like you’re doing all of the right things…

…except, OK, you ragged on him about the dressing up but you didn’t do it out of malice. You made a mistake. Forgive yourself — literally, right now. Then find a few minutes alone with him to come clean about it: “Listen, I just want you to know that I feel bad for making jokes about the things you wore on Tumblr. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m sorry.” Done and done. Both of you are going to feel a lot better once you clear the air on that front.

As far as bad facts from sketchy characters go, it sounds like your son might benefit from building his critical thinking skills. (Gender issues aside, it’s best not to send any young adult into the wild blue yonder without ensuring those are at the ready.) At the dinner table, make a point to talk about current events in a way that encourages him to question informational sources. Hopefully, he’ll show you that he’s a bit more savvy than you think.

In Rachel Carson’s seminal book on environmentalism, Silent Spring, she advises that the best way to get rid of crabgrass isn’t to drown it in pesticides, it’s to plant regular grass on top of it. And that’s your best bet here, too: provide your son with good information to overpower the bad. You’re hard at work letting him know that he can trust and talk to you — that’s excellent. When he comes to you, you’ll want to be stocked with leafy green knowledge from…

1.) reading Transgender Explained for Those Who Are Not by Joanne Herman, and

2.) attending a few meetings of your nearest PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Gays and Lesbians) chapter specifically for parents of transgender and/or gender variant children.

You’ll want to also gently steer him toward reputable information sources that are interesting to him. If, like dear old Dad, he’s a fan of advice columns, have him take a look at “Ask a Trans Woman” by the wise and uber-compassionate Lorelei Erisis in The Rainbow Times. The backlog of her columns should keep him busy with answers to most of his questions. Lorelei herself recommends the blogs We Happy Trans for easily accessible perspectives, as well as TransAdvocate as a general news source. She adds that trans activist Kate Bornstein’s book, Gender Outlaw, blew her mind when it came out, so she’s confident that Bornstein’s 2010 publication, Gender Outlaw: The Next Generation, could provide a similar experience to your kid. The book has essays, comics, and interviews from a diverse group of trans people…wouldn’t your son be psyched if you left a copy in his room?

Before I sign off, Jack, a caution: if you take these suggestions, you’ll come dangerously close to being “the cool dad.” The kids around town will start talking: “Did you hear that Dana’s dad gave him a copy of the new Gender Outlaw? My father won’t even let me watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.” “I hear that his dad was the one who turned him onto We Happy Trans. Do you think that could even be true?” Shy, gender variant teens will begin to moon around your house, pretending you’re their dad. They’ll hope for perhaps a brief exchange — “Hi, Mr. Rosenthropple.” “Get off my lawn.” — to replay in their minds and spin into legend. Someone will start a Twitter account posting only overheard snippets of your conversations. It will have 37 followers within the first 24 hours. A lone, bold teen will obtain your personal email address through nefarious means and summon her courage to use it to ask you for trans blog recommendations. Your own teenager will no longer seem as embarrassed by your mere existence.

You’ve been warned.
 
Being “the cool dad” is a damned sight better than what “the cool mom” devolved into.
 


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 1, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m at uni* and only just got into queer culture, so there’s a lot of catching up to do. I was brought up to never treat anyone any way because of their sex and to let people make their own decisions.

My problem is that I always thought that the point was to eliminate gender roles entirely, and yet for a lot of people it’s clearly very important to claim a different one than what was assumed at birth. Additionally, I don’t want any gender role or to be labeled with one.

How can I continue to fight for lack of gender discrimination and roles whilst being respectful of others’ decisions and identities? I’m not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act, it’s just meaningless to me. I’m aware that I’m treading a thin line and would like some advice on how to discuss these notions without being insensitive.

-N

You’re on to the vital notion that when it comes to identity, self-determination is the key. You’ve mastered the act of “not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act” but understand that your decisions for yourself — like not “want[ing] a gender role or to be labeled with one” — are just as worthy of respect. Take heart, N: you’re closer to coming to grips with all this than you think.

So let’s separate the idea of gender from gender roles. In my opinion, the latter is something assigned to you by society, an imposing monolith that is neither objective nor even self-aware. Society creates classes and runs its agenda on everyone by assigning each one as “better” or “worse” than another. It eliminates your right to self-determine, and that’s what’s wrong.

Many minority movements have sects who argue their people are no different in literally any manner from those in power. It’s a defensive strategy in response to the majority’s insistence on interpreting minority differences as “worse.” From what I’ve seen, this is a sisyphean approach to social justice. The hegemony will always find methods and reasons to make others seem different in bad way.

Better, I think, to embrace the ways in which your people are culturally different from the norm and know that it’s OK. No, you know what? It’s better than OK: it’s something to celebrate. This is what BUST Magazine, for example, is trying to do with women’s culture.

Roles aside, gender is something intrinsically felt. When I say that I know I’m a woman, it’s not because I like to wear make-up or whatever other behavior society is trying to pin on me. It’s something I feel inside. It’s part of my core essence. If being genderless feels comfortable to you, go with that because it’s your right as an autonomous person. Keep respecting the same right for others, and know that everyone doesn’t need to be the same to deserve to be treated the same.

*Short for “university.” Come on, Americans, keep up.

 
I’m hoping we’ve all moved beyond this.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 20, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bisexual in a very feminine body. I have, for some time now, privately identified as “genderqueer” as I really do not feel like a woman, but I’m not really a guy either. I also identify as a top, not in terms of dominance but just in terms of being a giving partner vs. a receiving partner.

I have a broad range of attractions and of late, I have been seeing a lot of straight guys, which is partly a function of living in a small town. It is getting to the point with one where this issue should probably come up. My question for you is how I can best explain this subject without sending a straight guy running, or without causing him to fear that I may physically change genders at some point in the future? Are there good resources that address this issue?

-Tops Up

Sad fact: there are not many resources specific to genderqueers who are not transsexual. You might enjoy following Genderfork or get some info from Genderqueer Australia. There are also groups in larger cities, like Genderqueer Chicago, and a smattering of Meetups but overall, there remain precious few supplies of assistance for this vivid and varied crew. I pray that a slew of genderqueer angels will heed the desperate bleating for such resources and create a rush of websites, blogs, and articles for their people. Tops Up, you may be one of these heroes that your fellow genderqueers dream of. If you’re even slightly inclined, I command you to take to the keyboard post haste (makeshift mask and pillowcase cape optional)!

Until then, you have a question, and it’s one that so many share. Regardless of the failings of society at large for providing advice in this particular area, Tiggy can answer you. Of course she can answer you. Always bet on Upland.

I turned to my pal, J, a genderqueer genius, for their* experience with this exact dilemma. Most of it, says J, boils down to accepting yourself. No sexual partner, no matter how kind and open, will get you to be comfortable authentically expressing yourself until you accept that it’s OK to not choose a gender. You’re battling against every single thing thrown at you in life that says it’s not right to be neither male nor female, nor headed in the direction of either. But you’re not in this fight alone, not nearly. You can do this.

J concedes that even for people without a lick of shame surrounding their genderqueeritude, it can be exasperating to repeatedly slog through this dating scenario. In essence, J began to feel that having sex with straight guys felt probably like when a homosexual person who is not out to themselves has sex with someone of the opposite sex: the sex was perhaps exuberant but tender, their partner was both generous and considerate, good ol’ Tab A went into handy Slot B…but something was just off about the whole thing and they can’t quite put their finger on what.

J tells an anecdote about having a sexual experience with someone and suddenly realizing that this person saw J as a woman. J stepped back to wonder, “Is it OK that I need them to interact with me in the manner that I want, i.e. not acting toward me like, or even thinking that, I am a woman?” They ultimately decided that yes, it was. And it’s OK for you, too. It’s OK for you to need that and not accept less. J feels extremely distressed when regarded as a woman in bed; if you feel the same way, please know that your feelings are perfectly valid.

Although this might not be the answer for you, J solved their dilemma by not dating straight guys anymore. They did not want to restrict themselves to dating partners who restricted themselves to dating women. Whether you choose that route or not, both J and I want you to start telling your truth to the people in your life. We think you’ll be amazed at the results.

*J prefers the pronouns “they,” “their,” and “theirs.”

 
Actually, Black Sheep, you don’t have to get with this or that.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.