March 5, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My wife knows that I have bisexual interests and I have told her about bisexual experiences that I have had in the past. We used to enjoy having threesomes with a very good mutual friend, but now she prefers to be friends with him as he has difficulties maintaining an erection and she isn’t excited by his technique anymore.

I miss that kind of sex in our relationship, but she says she isn’t interested in seeking it out now. I am about ready to ask her if she would let me pursue a relationship with a man where guy-guy sex could occasionally happen. The problem is that I am most excited by bi men who, like me, have large cocks and enjoy being sexual most when members of both genders are involved. I feel that men with this particular set of attributes/preferences are hard to find and don’t really know how to proceed, but my desire for having this kind of sexual relationship just won’t go away. What can you tell me?

-David

Definitely broach the topic of this form of polyamory with your wife. There appears to be very little risk in doing so: she knows that you’re bisexual and she’s participated in threesomes with you, so she won’t be surprised by your suggestion of taking a male lover. If you go that route, ManHunt.net should be helpful in locating a proper dude.

But your letter is a bit unclear – is she tired of threesomes or just tired of threesomes that include that particular guy? Why not talk to her about that and see if you can find men you’re both interested in? You seem convinced that there are only two large-membered men interested in Devil’s Threesomes*: you and your buddy with erectile dysfunction. I’m happy to tell you that you are incorrect — so don’t give up so easily! — but you need to know where to look.

For this, I consulted my good friend, Dr. X, who has not only sampled several sex communities but also founded his own thriving sex club. He first recommends searching for local swingers clubs online, and exploring Craigslist.com and FetLife.com. Although “Fet” does refer to “fetish,” he assures me that it’s a good space even if you’re not kinky: “You can be vanilla and still talk with like-minded people and join groups of kindred spirits in almost any locale on any topic.” 

In joining a sex club, X says, “The ideal method is to connect through someone in-the-know: a confirmed non-sketchy pal who understands boundaries and consent and is a stand-up person. A safe space for bisexual people specifically is relevant especially as a bi male, I’ve found.”

David, let me now be the first to encourage you to take the fulfillment of your sexual desires to their most climactic end. Mahatma Gandhi famously counseled us all to “be the change you wish to see in the world.” He was, of course, referring to creating your own sex club.

Take it away, Dr. X. “Before one even thinks about trodding down that path, there are certain prerequisites that need to be in place for safety and to insure that you’re going to experience the super-sexy time you’ve been picturing in your fantasies. It is possible, but this is real life and you gotta do your prep work.

“The big thing is making damn sure your interpersonal communication skills/negotiation skills/ability to recognize and diagnose sketchy people EARLY ON are honed. If you’ve had a history of being used or not recognizing signs ahead of the 20/20 of hindsight on several occasions, you might want to hold back and take stock. Make sure you’re comfortable with the phrases ‘No,’ ‘No, thanks,’ and ‘No, fuck off.’ Once such personal groundwork is established, you can start a club with select people you know and trust. Put in some structure for safety and filter members to uphold quality and agreed-upon values.” Dr. X recommends using a private Facebook page for group communication.

No matter how you proceed, please know that you have options, lots of people like what you have to offer, and you’re probably attracted to more types than you think. Access the possibilities by having more than one friend in the world.

*a threesome with two men and one woman

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 19, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have been married to the love of my life for a little over three years and we have a two-year-old son whom I love more than life itself. I have always been interested in guys, although I don’t so much find them attractive or check them out. I have had encounters with men before and enjoyed it.

I recently confessed to my wife this deep secret and she was happy that I told her but at the same time was very overwhelmed. I want to do it again but my wife doesn’t believe in any kind of sex outside of marriage. I respect her feelings but I keep wondering about it.

I can’t help how I feel and I don’t think I can go through my entire life suppressing these feelings. I asked if we could have a threesome but she never wants to touch or be with another guy besides me. She offered to try new things but I don’t think this would suffice. Any suggestions? I have no idea what to do.

-Confused

Fine readers: this is why you communicate your sexual desires and preferences to your partner before — or instead of — pledging lifelong monogamy.

Confused, that ship has sailed for you, so let us forge ahead. Since this confession was so recent, your wife is still processing the information and trying, as you are, to mentally fit it into the parameters of your marriage. The information, the parameters, or both will have to be compromised and you’re both still coming to terms with that fact.

You offered some good possibilities (e.g. a threesome, a rendezvous for you outside of your marriage) and her reply was negative. But that was just her initial reaction, and surely you can understand such a response when you answered her proposal for “trying new things” likewise. If you approach this as a series of conversations instead of a single question with a yes/no answer, the process will open communications and grease the wheels of compromise.

Please find a therapist to guide you two in discussing how a mutually beneficial sex life might look. This list of bi-friendly therapists is an excellent place to start searching. For this to work, both of you need to be open-minded about the possibilities. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for her to eventually decide that she’s OK with you having sex with men as long as she can be there (or as long as she doesn’t have to be there). And perhaps once you experience the new things she wants to try, you’ll find them satisfying after all.

Note, too, that being a closeted bi — i.e. one who suppresses certain feelings — can be agony but that’s very different from being a monogamous bi. After all, when you married, didn’t you willingly agree to stop acting on your sexual feelings for other women? What I mean is, it’s possible that just being able to talk openly about your feelings for men to your wife and/or a community of bisexuals will be enough for you.

She’s the love of your life, Confused. I have total faith that with a trained therapist mediating your talks, you two can devise a sex life that satisfies you both.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 26, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, Tiggy is answering three letters this bi-week because she’s feeling quick and dirty. She’s ruthlessly doling out the tough love, so brace yourselves. This ain’t gonna be pretty.

Hey Tiggy,

I’ve been with a particular man for several years now. Deeply in love, we seem to have faded off into a relationship that used to be VERY unhealthy, but has been gradually getting better, though it’s taken almost two years.

The problem now is that I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m strongly attracted to women. I’m bisexual but I find women more attractive physically. I’ve wanted to have a physical relationship with a woman for a while now, but my other half isn’t open to the idea of bringing another female into the bedroom for a night. I’m hoping these feelings don’t disrupt our relationship, but it’s hard to confine them, and mentioning this would be a death warrant. What to do?

Crossing my fingers with all the luck and hope in the world…

-Crossroads

This previously VERY unhealthy (emphasis yours) relationship has been only gradually improving over two years, you don’t want your feelings to disrupt your relationship (read that over a few times to see what’s wrong there), you’re under the impression that expressing your desires to your boyfriend would be –- your words –- “a death warrant,” and you’re putting all your chips on luck and hope.

Doesn’t it seem like you shouldn’t have to work this hard for a partnership to function? Shouldn’t you have more keeping the two of you together than fear and emotional sunk costs? Crossroads, isn’t it over?

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 22-year-old female who has always identified as hetero. Over the past few years, however, I’ve enjoyed masturbating to threesome girl-on-girl porn. I am also interested in sleeping with a woman or having a threesome.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, whom I love and am extremely passionate about for four years. I’m really happy in this relationship and I’ve told him about my female fantasies. We’ve agreed to have a threesome, but haven’t found the right girl yet. Who knew it would be so hard?

A little over a month ago, we started talking about marriage. Since then, I’ve been feeling more anxious about my sexuality and fantasies. Though I’ve never actually met a woman I’d like to be with and I’ve never experienced with a woman the same pang of desire that I get when I meet a man I’m attracted to, I’m worried that someday I’m going to wake up married to my awesome man and realize that I want to be with women. Is this crazy? I realize that I want to do this threesome to experience a fun adventure with my boyfriend, but also to explore my sexuality and figure out if there’s more to my fantasies than just sex.

Is it possible to explore same-sex urges while remaining in a committed heterosexual relationship? Am I just scared to get married or is there more to these fantasies that I need to address?

-Bewildered

You’re not ready to get married. Your brain is manically, desperately spelling this out to you in semaphore. Address that with your partner first, and the threesome quandary will sort itself out.

Dear Tiggy,

I had a dream that I made out with a girl and we had a secret relationship. Then I woke up and realized that I enjoyed the dream. Does that make me a bisexual?

-Kelly

No. I’m sorry. Keep trying.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.