Dear Tiggy,
I’m in a long-term relationship with the sweetest, most caring man in the world for six years. Sounds great, right? We just have one problem: I still occasionally crave a female sex partner. It got so bad at one point that I actually could not engage in sex with him. He allowed me to be with a female one time and we have been perfectly fine in the bedroom since. Now I’ve noticed that he’s become very insecure about my bisexuality and keeps asking if he is going to have to deal with that need every few years. I have no idea how to a) turn off that desire or b) help him to understand that it’s something that I personally can’t control. Please help.
—In Love with Needs
Of course he’s insecure about this. You both agreed to monogamy but now you want to change the rules mid-game. That’ll throw a dude off. From the looks of it, he probably feels like you withheld sex and then used your bisexuality as an excuse to justify your “need.” Please understand that this isn’t a need, it’s just a desire. It’s true that you can’t turn it off but that’s not to say that you’re at its mercy.
Let’s be clear: bisexuality and polyamory are two different things. Bisexuals don’t need a constant stream of both men and women any more than, say, a straight man needs a constant stream of blondes, brunettes, redheads, and raven-haired beauties. (Let us pause a moment to enjoy that yummy mental visual.) That’s a good thing because we’d all be exhausted trying to hook up with short and tall people, loud and quiet people, folks with brown/blue/hazel/green eyes – shoot, you’d have to bed the cast of Glee just to keep up. We do not need to fulfill our every urge, and a knack for enjoying the many genders provides no exception. When you choose to have a monogamous relationship, you choose not to act on your hankering to bone anyone other than your partner, regardless of demographic categories filled.
Do a cost-benefit analysis: would you rather enjoy the benefits of monogamy and forego being with women, or be free to be with women and eschew monogamy? It sounds like being poly is your preference but the catch here is that your beloved does not seem amenable. It’s possible, though, that if you come to an agreement of terms well in advance, that structure and transparency could make him feel secure enough to give it a go. (However, I’d warn against giving him a false sense of controlling your sexuality, i.e. him “allowing” you to be with someone.) Additionally, I’d take pains to make him see that your interest in an open relationship is not based on his supposed shortcomings. Let him know that he’s good enough, and that it’s not about that.
Nonetheless, if your guy is still not interested in an open relationship after you hash it out, you have a choice to make: monogamy with him or polyamory without him. I hate to say this to a fellow bi, but you can’t have it both ways.
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.