I don’t know how to handle this! My husband opened a package sent to my 18-year-old son. The package contained a dildo.
My son knows we accept gay people and I’m sure he would be comfortable telling us if he was. The thing is, he has a girlfriend and seems to just like girls. Anyway, I’m not sure how to handle the package. I wish it had never been opened. I’m sure my son is expecting it and will know one of us has it.
How should we approach this? I feel so horrible because I know he will be embarrassed.
-Scunnered in Australia
All right, calm down, everybody calm DOWN. We’re gonna get through this.
Dang it, Scunnered, I don’t know how they do it in Australia but this is why opening someone else’s mail is a federal offense here in the States. You’ve got yourself a Pandora situation on your hands.
Here’s what, though: a male person using a dildo does not necessarily mean he is gay or bisexual, or that he enjoys receiving anal sex. Anal play in and of itself does not indicate sexual orientation. At all.
When you catch your breath on that one, here’s another revelation: the dildo might not even be for him to insert into his anus. In fact, it might not be for him, period.
Maybe he’s curious to see if he’d enjoy it. Maybe it’s for a joke. Maybe he wants to use it on his girlfriend. Maybe his girlfriend wants it for herself but can’t have it mailed to her house because her parents would open it, OOPS, he has the same kind of parents, OH WELL.
No matter how you deal with it, don’t make any assumptions on your son or his sexual activities based on the fact that a surprise dildo arrived on your doorstep. I’m sure I’m not the first person to impart these words of wisdom, but I’ll bet they’ve been useful every time they’ve been uttered.
Here are some options for you:
Wrap it back up, pretend you never opened it, and leave it for your son. How feasible this is depends on how good your poker face is and how badly you destroyed the package when opening it.
Leave it with a note that says OR Hand it to your son and say, “Your father accidentally opened this. He says he’s sorry,” and leave the room (or, better, the house). Don’t mention it again. Laugh about it in about 20 years.
Sit down with him to a meal at your house and hand him the box, letting him know that your husband didn’t mean to open it. This will give him a chance to give you an excuse, if he feels like it. Then you can say, “It’s fine,” change the subject, and keep eating dinner. Unlike the second option, you won’t be anxious about the next time you see each other.
I’m sorry you feel scunnered. It must be weird having your son’s adulthood and private matters shoved into your face like that. But really, this isn’t a big deal. He’s 18 – ‘round these parts, that’s an adult. One expects that an 18-year-old guy is somewhat acquainted with the idea of sex even if he hasn’t had it yet. No need to die of embarrassment, just soldier on. Power through the awkwardness, Mom, and he’ll take that cue from you.
There was only one time in history when a toy for Master Bates spelled unmitigated disaster, and it was this thing here.
Our son, who just turned 16, had a girlfriend last year for a few months. He was crazy about her, said he felt “dizzy” when they held hands, and was quite sad when she broke it off. He has been lately getting closer and closer with his (male) best friend. They spend a lot of time together, going on long walks and such, all of which did not seem out of the ordinary. The other day, however, they were holding hands and cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. They stopped abruptly when I entered the room. Later, I peeked around the corner and they were doing it again.
He has been acting more secretive lately. My wife and I keep trying to gently give him opportunities to talk to us about it but he has not yet shared anything. We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready. I have said non-specific supportive things to him lately, like that he can always talk to us about anything and asking him if there’s anything on his mind. He seems uncomfortable so I don’t push further than that. But we want to educate ourselves and be ready in case he springs it on us.
We know a lot about gay feelings (and are very comfortable with all of it) from our long experience with our many gay friends, but we do not have any bisexual friends and we feel like we know very little about what that is like, particularly for a teen. I have no idea if he even can categorize himself at this young age, nor do I want him to feel pressured to label himself. I suppose he probably falls into the “questioning” area right now, but still, we want to be able to talk to him about it whenever he feels ready. Also, we don’t know his friend’s parents very well and we don’t know if they know about this relationship; I think it is unlikely. We feel, just as we would if he were getting close and affectionate with a girl, that we don’t want him dating someone in secret.
My question, then, is this: is there anything we should know about the process of coming out as bisexual, compared with coming out as gay? Unlike other parents of gay kids who say they “knew for years” because of their child’s behavior, my son has never exhibited any outward signs of being gay, nor has he ever said or done anything that would have tipped us off. That said, he also is not nearly as girl-crazy as I was at 16. No Victoria’s Secret catalogs under the bed, but no International Male either. I am just scared of saying the wrong thing when he does decide to share with me, I want him to feel loved and happy, but at the same time he is so young and I remember how confusing everything is at this age. I know teenagers experiment sometimes but what constitutes experimenting and at what point has he crossed over into identity? I don’t want to belittle his feelings by suggesting that this is “just a phase”…but might it be?
Anyway, this is a long essay — sorry — but I am really experiencing a lot of confusing feelings myself right now, and any advice would be appreciated.
-Michael
1/3/2015 Dear Tiggy,
I just read the “For Parents” essay on the BRC website; I don’t know how I missed it the first time. It answered most of the questions I asked you! I am so sorry I didn’t check that first. If you know Robert Barton, please tell him THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Very helpful and informative. I still have one thing, though, that I could use advice on, so I will rephrase the question:
I wouldn’t feel right outing the other kid to his family if he is not ready, but I also don’t feel that I should allow my son to be dating this boy and doing anything physical with their son — even kissing and holding hands — if they don’t know about it. Any advice on how I should approach this?
If the other boy (also 16) is not ready or willing to tell his parents then I feel I should I tell my son he has to put the brakes on this thing until his friend has spoken to them. Once he has done that, and then in turn they have had a discussion with me and my wife, then I think we can figure out where we all are, but at least there will be no secrets.
If I tell my son that this is the way it has to be, I’m afraid it will be like I’m “forbidding” my son from seeing someone he cares about, but it seems to me that there are issues here that would apply to any parents, no matter what their kid’s sexual identity is. I would want the same thing if my son were involved with a girl, so it seems like it’s no different, but I think maybe it is different because of the issue of outing.
-Michael
Firstly, you and your wife are doing really well in handling this in a loving and supportive manner. Keep up the absolutely excellent work. It’s a relief to the entire bisexual community that people like you exist.
It’s good to get into the habit of treating an LGBT relationship the same way you’d treat a hetero one; it speaks to your sense of fairness. Here’s the thing, though: a romantic relationship your teenage son is having with another boy is different in a couple of ways than one with a girl. It needs to be treated as such mostly for reasons surrounding safety because society rejects same-sex relationships.
If you don’t know the other boy’s parents, then you don’t know whether outing him would endanger his physical or emotional safety. Please acknowledge that he could end up beaten, homeless, humiliated, and so forth, and that those consequences are not unlikely. I know someone from one of the most liberal areas of the U.S. who, when her parents discovered that she was in a same-sex relationship, was sent to exorcists. You do not have the right to put someone in that position, particularly a child, simply to enforce a personal tenet of transparency in relationships.
Even if the response from his family (and friends, and school…these things have a way of getting around) isn’t that bad, outing someone is a terrible thing to do. It robs a person of privacy and control over their own identity.
If your son were dating a girl and hiding the relationship, it would probably be because one of them was cheating, ashamed of the other, or had parents who did not approve. It makes sense that you would not support anything like that. But in not announcing a same-sex relationship, your son is trying to protect himself from bullying while figuring out his feelings without undue pressure. These seem to me like fine reasons to keep a relationship under wraps.
Attentive parents tend to want to know who their child is dating because they are interested in their kid’s life and have a responsibility to guide their son/daughter. But let’s be real here: a major reason that a parent might want to restrain their teenager’s romantic relationships is the possibility of pregnancy. That’s not an issue here.
You say: “We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready” (italics mine). These are excellent instincts. Know that that necessarily means not forcing his hand by insisting that he be out on your terms. I sense that you’re uncomfortable with the lack of control you have over all this…imagine how your son feels. I think you should continue offering general support but otherwise give your son some space to sort out his feelings. Know that he must feel so much safer to understand through your gestures that you have his back. And he gets that, trust me. Dads are never as subtle as they think!
By the way, it’s perfectly fine for you to kindly insist — without providing a reason — that he leave the door open when hanging out with this guy. You’re still his parent and it’s still your house. I doubt he’ll ask why this rule suddenly cropped up.
First, thanks for what you do. This site has been a very calming place for me as I’m trying to make a safe, comfortable place for my 16-year old son to talk to me.
I learned recently, through social media, that he is searching for a gender identity. From what I gather, he feels like a male most all the time, but really wants to have the freedom to be pretty and/or feminine when he chooses, without creating a scene.
Because he cosplays often, people accept his “dressing up” as character role play and he gets a lot of positive attention from it. But the fallback is that he feels no one takes his feminine side seriously.
Unfortunately, I have been unknowingly insensitive in the past when photos of him in a dress, or with makeup on have popped up on Tumblr accounts. I really thought he was just doing it for laughs so I razzed him a bit. Now, I’m afraid he won’t open up, even though I told him that his mom and I love him unconditionally.
I appreciate your insights on taking a deep breath and waiting on his timeline, not mine. I don’t mind his curiosity, but I’m concerned he’s getting his answers from strangers who have speculative knowledge at best and present themselves as “expert.”
One of your articles expressed the frustration out there when trying to get good information. I feel his personality type (sweet and accommodating) is easy prey for a charismatic, self-described “authority.”
In your opinion, do you think the conflicting (or bad) information he collects is more helpful or harmful when it comes to formulating his self image?
-Jack
Jack, people like you are the reason that the rest of us haven’t yet lost hope for this world. You are the raddest of dads. I’m so pleased to hear that this site is helpful to you; it certainly sounds like you’re doing all of the right things…
…except, OK, you ragged on him about the dressing up but you didn’t do it out of malice. You made a mistake. Forgive yourself — literally, right now. Then find a few minutes alone with him to come clean about it: “Listen, I just want you to know that I feel bad for making jokes about the things you wore on Tumblr. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m sorry.” Done and done. Both of you are going to feel a lot better once you clear the air on that front.
As far as bad facts from sketchy characters go, it sounds like your son might benefit from building his critical thinking skills. (Gender issues aside, it’s best not to send any young adult into the wild blue yonder without ensuring those are at the ready.) At the dinner table, make a point to talk about current events in a way that encourages him to question informational sources. Hopefully, he’ll show you that he’s a bit more savvy than you think.
In Rachel Carson’s seminal book on environmentalism, Silent Spring, she advises that the best way to get rid of crabgrass isn’t to drown it in pesticides, it’s to plant regular grass on top of it. And that’s your best bet here, too: provide your son with good information to overpower the bad. You’re hard at work letting him know that he can trust and talk to you — that’s excellent. When he comes to you, you’ll want to be stocked with leafy green knowledge from…
2.) attending a few meetings of your nearest PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Gays and Lesbians) chapter specifically for parents of transgender and/or gender variant children.
You’ll want to also gently steer him toward reputable information sources that are interesting to him. If, like dear old Dad, he’s a fan of advice columns, have him take a look at “Ask a Trans Woman” by the wise and uber-compassionate Lorelei Erisis in The Rainbow Times. The backlog of her columns should keep him busy with answers to most of his questions. Lorelei herself recommends the blogs We Happy Trans for easily accessible perspectives, as well as TransAdvocate as a general news source. She adds that trans activist Kate Bornstein’s book, Gender Outlaw, blew her mind when it came out, so she’s confident that Bornstein’s 2010 publication, Gender Outlaw: The Next Generation, could provide a similar experience to your kid. The book has essays, comics, and interviews from a diverse group of trans people…wouldn’t your son be psyched if you left a copy in his room?
Before I sign off, Jack, a caution: if you take these suggestions, you’ll come dangerously close to being “the cool dad.” The kids around town will start talking: “Did you hear that Dana’s dad gave him a copy of the new Gender Outlaw? My father won’t even let me watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.” “I hear that his dad was the one who turned him onto We Happy Trans. Do you think that could even be true?” Shy, gender variant teens will begin to moon around your house, pretending you’re their dad. They’ll hope for perhaps a brief exchange — “Hi, Mr. Rosenthropple.” “Get off my lawn.” — to replay in their minds and spin into legend. Someone will start a Twitter account posting only overheard snippets of your conversations. It will have 37 followers within the first 24 hours. A lone, bold teen will obtain your personal email address through nefarious means and summon her courage to use it to ask you for trans blog recommendations. Your own teenager will no longer seem as embarrassed by your mere existence.
You’ve been warned.
Being “the cool dad” is a damned sight better than what “the cool mom” devolved into.