June 11, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Strap your helmets on, Wild Deuces, because Tiggy is answering a couple of sports questions on this two-fer Tuesday.

Dear Tiggy,

My 16-year-old boy just told our family that he is bi, which is okay with me. He is currently in a monogamous relationship with a girl, who knows how he feels. None of his other friends know. He plays competitive sports and my husband now tells him that he should no longer shower in the locker room with the guys as he has always done, since it is not fair to the other guys. I think that this betrays a bias my husband – who otherwise seems to support my son – subconsciously holds. What is the protocol for the locker room?

-S.A.

Perhaps you’ve heard the old adage about homophobia? It’s the fear among straight men that gay men will treat them the way they treat women. A little kernel of truth in there, eh?

The protocol for your son in the locker room is the same it ever was. I don’t think your husband has even thought this through. If your son suddenly declines to shower with his teammates, does he honestly think that will go unnoticed? Is he suggesting that your son out himself? It’s pretty clear that he’s not comfortable doing that yet, as he hasn’t.

Has your husband considered that a shower embargo might put your son in danger of being bullied? Or that he’s projecting how he thinks he would have felt as a teenager in a locker room full of girls, and his son doesn’t exactly feel that way? Or that statistically, there’s almost no way his son is the only bi/gay guy in that locker room?

I do applaud your husband for being otherwise supportive. Right now, he’s viewing this from the perspective of the straight teenage guy that he was. I think an ongoing process of gently nudging him to see things from his son’s perspective would be the best plan.

Dear Tiggy,

I just came out to my dance team that I am bi. My coach said she doesn’t believe in bisexuality, that it’s a phase and I need to choose whether I like girls or boys. She tries to tell me that I just date boys because of the pressure, but I respond that that’s not true; I have fallen in love with boys and I am attracted to males. I am also attracted to girls. She doesn’t seem to get that.

I’m very close to her. How do I have her understand more that it is possible to like both sexes?

-Kait

It’s not your place to educate this adult. It is her duty as a coach to nurture your personal development, or at least not disrupt it, and she’s failing in that.

If you’ve shared with your parents that you’re bisexual, you need to tell them about this ongoing debate with your coach. One or both of them should have a conversation with her – the kind where your parents talk and she listens. They have to let her know that they don’t appreciate her trying to inappropriately influence you with her wrongheaded ideas about sexuality. You’re bisexual, it does exist, and no one gives a rat’s rear what Coach Fussybritches believes. And if they (your parents) hear about even one more incidence of this, there will be consequences. Boom, drop the mic.

I’m guessing you don’t want to get your parents involved or hurt your relationship with this coach. The thing is, as close as the two of you are, she can never really be your “friend” the way your peers are. She’s your coach and filling that role comes with certain responsibilities. If your parents don’t know that you’re bi, please explain this situation to your academic advisor, school nurse, older cousin or aunt, or some trusted adult who can straighten her out.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 8, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Before we begin, I have a suggestion for Angel in the last column: try having your girlfriend wear a strap-on when you have sex. Give it a whirl –- it could be a lot of fun! (Why didn’t I think of this two weeks ago when you wrote in? I swear, Tiggy would lose her head if it wasn’t strapped on.)

Dear Tiggy,

I am an 18 year old female and am bisexual. About six months ago, I started dating my amazing girlfriend. She is perfect. She is so nice to me – we write each other poems all the time and we love each other for who we are. If I’m ever upset or sad, she just cuddles with me and I am there for her as well. We have just as much fun sitting and talking or watching TV as when we are making out or having sex. She says I understand her more than anybody. We decided to stay together when I went to college and are still going strong. We are so comfortable around each other and we trust each other with our lives; it really is a fairytale relationship.

Except the part that isn’t a fairytale relationship. First of all, I am not out to anyone and neither is she. We are both bi and like men as well, but we both have never told anyone about our interest in females. Second, she is 12 years my senior, meaning she is 30 while I am 18. Third, she used to be my vocal coach. She was not a teacher at school but an instructor who I took private lessons with.

While we don’t care about these things when it comes to just us, we both want to reach the point where we can come out, proudly hold hands in public, and tell people that we are dating. Right now, we keep it a secret and since she is my best friend, nobody ever questions us hanging out alone together. I’m very worried mostly because I really, really love her…but I am also close with my family. While they might someday accept that I am bi, I don’t know if they could ever accept her as my partner specifically, especially when they were the ones paying for my voice lessons.

We never did anything other than sing during my lessons but it looks like she took advantage of me. That couldn’t be further from the truth: I made most of the first advances and neither of us took advantage of the situation. We just really love each other. My problem is that I have no idea how to make other people understand that.

-Scared and in Love

It’s good that you recognize that it looks like she might be taking advantage of you. Unfortunately, between your “perfect” this and “fairytale” that and poems and cuddles and unicorns crapping sparkly rainbows, you’re otherwise showing very little perspective because you’re butt-crazy in love.

The distance between 18 and 30 in terms of life experience, shared interests, and maturity is huge. Huge. Not all love affairs with a power differential are borne of manipulation or suffer from internal exploitation but some are and do. This is what your family and friends will be worried about when you tell them, and while you might think they don’t get it because they’re not in your relationship, you also have to accept that they could be more objective for the same reason.

Please recognize the potential for a person in her position to control your relationship, and even the likelihood that that’s her aim (conscious or not) given that she chose to be in that position.

Here are the biggest concerns:

  • This sounds like it started when you were a minor.
  • She crossed a professional line.
  • You’re in the closet, which makes you more vulnerable.

Here are some questions for you to ponder:

  • Why isn’t she dating women closer to her own age? (Don’t automatically reach for, “We didn’t mean to fall in love. We like each other as people regardless of age.” It’s seldom that random. Look harder.)
  • Why did she choose to date her student?
  • Has she ever dated someone over whom she had “power” (e.g. age, status) before? Is this a pattern for her?

Honestly, I don’t mean to make your girlfriend out to be some kind of villain. I feel bad about raining on your love parade and I’m not dogging May-December romances in general. But it’s prudent for you to consider the tough possibilities with clear eyes in order to truly know whether yours is a healthy relationship. You say you want to “make people understand” that this is love; to do that, you first need to take their perspective on why it might be something a bit different.

Since the most worrisome element here is the secrecy, the best thing you and your girlfriend can do is tell your friends and family about your relationship. Show everyone your love, let the world in on it. Live openly and start hanging out together with other people – go to the mall together with your friends, have dinner together with your family. If you and she operate entirely above board, it will be difficult for anyone to make the case that there’s something shady about it.

I hope your girl wants to proudly hold hands in public as much as you do, Scared & In Love. Your family will probably have a hard time with this information at first, but there’s only one way to be out, and that’s just to go for it.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 11, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

When I was first starting to come out (which took an alarmingly long time, thanks to that weird myth that teenaged girls having feelings for other girls is “just a phase,” and the lack of information on bisexuality in my very liberal universe), my school had just started its GSA.

The teacher who ran it was an outspoken proponent of gay rights and we all looked up to her a great deal. However, when I asked her if there were resources or group meetings for bisexuals, I was told dismissively that if the person was mostly gay they could go to gay support groups, while if they were mostly straight they didn’t need them.

Although I was too shy and uneducated about the topic to say anything then, I felt angry and hurt. I knew enough to know that what I was feeling was not the same as being gay and that my concerns and questions were worth addressing. It was the first time I was written off for being bisexual, and although it wasn’t the last, it was the most hurtful.

I’m happily out to pretty much everyone now, including the man I’m going to marry. I’ve considered for a while now sending her a message telling her that she hurt me. She is no longer leading the GSA but I feel somewhat compelled to educate her about the issue. Then again, it’s been almost four years since this happened and we don’t really talk ever. Is it worth bringing it to her attention, or will it just make me look petty or insecure? How far should we as bisexuals go to educate those around us?

-Katie

How far each of us goes to educate others about bisexuality is a very personal choice, and one that is sensitive to circumstances. In your case, it sounds like you need to get this off your chest. I say: do it. But how you say it takes some consideration.

If your goal is to let her know that what she said was especially hurtful to a vulnerable, just-coming-out bisexual teen, then you’ll easily accomplish that. If your goal is to educate her on bisexuality, I’m afraid that has a high failure-rate. Approaching someone you don’t really even know anymore with an attitude that you’re curing their ignorance is never taken well.

Keep in mind that when you challenge or debate someone, you’re not just doing it to change your opponent’s mind, but you’re also trying to persuade all of the people witnessing the exchange. The latter is more likely to work and helps a lot more people.

I suggest that you write an essay for Bi Women, the Boston Bisexual Women’s Network newsletter, about the incident with this teacher and how you processed it. (Submit by February 1st so it gets into the spring issue.) Then, send a paper copy and/or the weblink of the issue to your alma mater’s GSA. Encourage them to have a discussion on your article and on how bisexuals feel in the queer community today. It would be even better for all of the queer kids at your old school if you went the extra mile and donated a copy of Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well.

If you think that your former teacher has any chance of seeing the article or hearing about the GSA conversation, you owe her the courtesy and respect of being direct about it. At the same time that you mail the article to your GSA, mail another copy to the teacher with a short, handwritten note. Tell her you wrote an essay that includes an uncomfortable exchange you two had and you hope that relating this experience opens an important dialogue among the queer students currently at your school. Be gracious: tell her that it’s not your intention to make her feel bad about what transpired between you many years ago. Instead, you feel this is an excellent opportunity for discussion.

And that’s how you get closure while turning a bad experience into a positive one for young bisexuals. Nothing petty or insecure about acting classy, girl.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.