April 2, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My local bi support groups are divided by gender. I’m bi and trans, and a bit uncomfortable with picking which one to attend. De-legitimize my gender and hang out with my ladies? Feel uncomfortable as always in a room full of other men? Should I start my own all-inclusive support group? Ask the bisexual center for help? I’m in a quandary. What would you do, Tiggy?

-Mack

As stoked as I am to hear that you have even one local bi support group, never mind more than one, I agree that it can be disheartening when queer groups break up by gender. I find that LGBT entities tend to divide this way because their social opportunities (e.g. bars, clubs) are attractive to either gays or lesbians, not both. But dang, you’d think bisexuals would see the beauty in making sure folks of all genders share their feelings — and their lives! — with each other.

It’s even more problematic for transgender people for the reasons that you imply. True, people of different genders experience bisexuality in their own unique way and may want to connect with those who have a first-hand understanding of that. But dividing into groups based on one piece of our demographic profile denies so many of us the intersectionality of our identities, and the feeling that we’ve found a space where we can be our whole selves.

If I were you, I’d attend the next male and female bi meetings and bring up my concerns. I’d ask if others felt the same way and whether they would be open to reconfiguring the groups based on something other than gender. If a majority of people feel the need for a change, you can go to the bisexual center and ask if you might re-divide the groups based only on time and place of meetings. If fewer than a majority are into switching things up with the current crews, then lead the way to greatness by starting your own all-inclusive assembly. I’ll bet the bisexual center, along with any local trans and genderqueer groups, will be happy to help you realize your gender-holistic vision.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 15, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have just recently come out as bi to a few close friends. Now, a year into my marriage, I am feeling less and less attraction to men and more and more of an attraction to women. It’s actually become somewhat uncontrollable. I have become involved with a female friend of mine, mainly on an emotional (and, at times, physical) level. She is so wonderful and when I am with her, I feel so relaxed and I feel like myself. This is not the first time in my relationship with my husband that this has happened. Any advice?

—Bi Wife

Wild Deuces, I have to admit that my first impulse was to be a bit tough on this questioner, as I felt she was being selfish and dishonest with her husband. But I knew that that wasn’t fair to her. I needed to try harder to be sympathetic and see where she was coming from. I thought that perhaps a bit more information might allow me to be less judgmental, so I wrote back to Bi Wife and asked, “Why did you get married?” She replied:

Dear Tiggy,

I got married because I loved my partner. I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him enough that I could suppress or ignore these other feelings I was having. He seemed OK with the fact that I was attracted to women. I’ve had “feelings” for a very long time; I can even remember having them in high school over 10 years ago. I grew up in North Carolina and didn’t really even know what it meant to be LGBT until I moved to Boston four years ago. I thought that all girls felt the way I feel and that it was just a phase. I wish I had known then what I know now.

—Bi Wife

And that’s all it took for me to get over my judgment and see the perspective of this particular Deuce. Actually, I was surprised that she didn’t seem offended by my question. I think if someone asked me why I got married, even if I had revealed that the marriage was not in a solid place, I’d say, “Because I loved zir,* duh.” But in just a few earnest words, she conveyed to me exactly how easy it would be to wind up in her shoes. Thanks for that, Bi Wife. Now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk snippiness, I can honestly say that my heart goes out to you.

I think the universe really threw you off when it gave you the opportunity to better understand your sexuality well after it gave you a great guy. It really should have done it in the opposite order, and now your life schedule is all out of whack. The universe is an idiot and kind of a jerkface. I think this is what scientists mean when they say the universe is dense.

Because of this, you’ve been trying to find your way through this process of self-discovery while staying married. It sounds like this process has gotten messy, and you need to admit the hard truth to yourself that you’ve cheated on your spouse with at least two people. Maybe you’re even ready to admit to yourself that exploration of your queer sexuality while being monogamously married to a man isn’t exactly working. However, I wouldn’t suggest that you make any immediate decisions about your whole arrangement; figuring this all out will be a process, so take your time.

Since you’re in Boston, I highly recommend that you attend the peer-led group, “Straight Marriage, Still Questioning” on the second Monday of each month. For more information, contact kate.e.flynn [at] gmail [dot] com. Unlike with your sometimes-slow pal Tiggy, you won’t have to wait a single second for these folks to “get” you. They’re in the same position you are and will welcome you into their mutually-supportive space with open arms.

I wish you much faith and courage on this difficult figuring-out period in your life, Bi Wife. I can only suggest that you try as hard as you can to be honest with yourself as you go along. And one more thing: I’d hold off on having children with your husband until you get this all sorted, if I were you.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

*gender neutral pronoun