November 11, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am pansexual and possibly polyamorous. My girlfriend of three years, a devout monogamist, wants me to be able to express myself in whatever way I feel necessary.

Despite her total support, I am sexually unhappy in our relationship. She is unable to consider an open relationship and since I haven’t ever really been comfortable with my own sexuality, I haven’t had a chance to let myself experiment with other types of sex. This leads me to a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to provide her with the devotion and monogamy she deserves. I see no solution.

She says that if I truly wish to choose to be intimate with others, she cannot be with me. Throwing away our relationship for sex with strangers feels like the worst betrayal. I have been given an ultimatum to alone decide our future in the next day or two as she can’t wait for me to promise myself to her any longer. We aren’t happy now and aren’t sleeping in the same bed together after living and sleeping together for three years.

It is too painful for me to choose sexual freedom over love and emotional support but my feeling sexually repressed — be it a result of my own insecurities or her unwillingness to let me see other people in a sexual way — has led me to a collapse of libido and emotional stability. How can I choose when I’m so scared and alone?

-Max

The language you’re using to describe this tough situation paints you as the villain when you’re not. In order to get through this dilemma with the least amount of emotional damage to all parties, you need to reframe this story.

Devotion and monogamy are not the same thing. Even after reading your short letter, I have little doubt that you can and do offer devotion to this woman you clearly love. Does she “deserve” monogamy? Well, if so — in that she is a good person and “deserves” to have her desires met — then don’t you deserve polyamory?

When you honestly communicate to your partner a wish to express your sexuality and bravely come to terms with the consequent incompatibility of your relationship, you’re betraying yourself by couching that as “throwing away [your] relationship for sex with strangers.” The reality is that you two are fundamentally unsuited to each other and it’s no one’s fault. Cheating would have been the coward’s way out; you have eschewed that for the high road, so I cannot allow you to self-flagellate. There is nothing bad about wanting to explore your sexuality.

Please put this relationship out of its misery (your misery, her misery) – you both know it’s not working. It’s just not right to use this woman you love as a security blanket while you hold your breath and cross your legs for as long as you can stand it. I am sorry that being without a partner terrifies you but this, too, could use a reframing. You could view singledom as an opportunity to connect with new people and an adventure of self-discovery. Meanwhile, it sounds like you and she have a real mutual affection…is there a chance that you two can go on being friends?

Find a bisexual and/or poly support group in your area so you can feel supported enough to make the leap into being single. Max, don’t let fear and guilt dictate your not-at-all-selfish choices here.

Being poly is tremendous! No shame in being a bird who can’t help but fly. (Check the lyrics for an education…)

And Max, just because you’ll be single doesn’t mean you’ll be all alone.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 19, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

July 7, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 and I know for sure that I’m bi, although I like females a little more than I like males. I feel really scared to tell my parents. My family despises the LGBT community and I’m afraid that if I tell them, they’ll never accept me. I am planning on having my principal help me come out to my parents. I go to a Catholic school, so I feel like an outsider. How do I come out to my parents without them treating me differently and how can I be more proud of who I am?

-Kayla

July 8, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I am planning on coming out to my parents with the help of my principal on October 11 (Coming Out Day) which is a week after my birthday. How do I cope with the negative reaction my parents will have finding out that their 12-year-old daughter is bi? How do I feel proud about being bi in a Catholic school?

-Kayla

July 30, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 years old and I’ll be turning 13 years old in October but I am 110% positive that I’m bi. I go to a Catholic school and I’m really worried about me coming out in that type of environment. I told a couple of my closest friends at school about it and they have become my biggest supporters. My friend helped me talk to my principal about it and she told me to wait until I turn 13 to confirm it.

I still strongly believe that I’m bi but I’m too afraid to tell my parents. My parents aren’t okay with the LGBT community at all so it’s hard for me to deal with the fact that eventually I have to tell them that I’m a part of it. How do I come out in a way for them to accept me and how should I react if they don’t? Also, what are the some pros and cons about coming out?

-Kayla

Kayla, you’ve found my weakness: being relentlessly pursued! I do love a good chase. Well, you finally caught me, you ol’ saucebox, so I think that means I have to grant you three wishes. I hope advice on your three questions will suffice. Fortunately for me, they’re all the same question.

I think the query I get more than any other is “How do I come out?” but it comes in different packages. Most Wild Deuces write to me with just that line and little to no other information. I can’t help those people; coming out is such a personal act and any tips I might have to ensure safety and increase the chances of a positive response would be extremely specific to each situation.

Often when I get that plea, I’m unsure of what the letter writer is really asking. Coming out is not really about the “how.” There are many ways you could come out, whether armed with further educational material or empty-handed, canned or improv, with a bang or a whimper. It’s more about the “why” and the “should I?” — do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Again, it’s crucial that the answers are specialized to the coming-outer.

I see that you’ve already answered both “should I?” and “how.” Asking your Catholic school principal for help is a bold move, and rather brilliant. It will be good to have an adult with you to mediate the interaction, and from your description she sounds like a level-headed lady. You’ve also developed a cadre of supporters among your friends, for which you’ll be especially thankful as you work this out with your family.

I understand that you want your parents to accept you and not treat you differently but this is the part where your only option is to adjust your expectations. The fact is, your family is Catholic (I assume) and you know they don’t like LGBT people. There is a small chance that they’ll have an immediate change of heart about queer people once they realize that their beloved child is one. You need to prepare, though, for the more likely possibility that this is going to take a lot of getting used to for them. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have recommended that you come out right now considering how long six more years under their roof and in a Catholic school will feel if they take this badly. But it sounds like you’re determined and you’ve laid some excellent groundwork for your big post-birthday surprise.

Here are a few tips that might be useful:

  • Read the BRC’s “Coming Out As Bi” webpage in the “Youth” section and watch the videos.
  • Get in touch with a queer youth organization in your area to bolster your support network.
  • Read this letter to parents of bi kids. If you think it would be helpful to your parents, print it out and give it to them when you come out.
  • If your parents are struggling with reconciling your bisexuality with their faith, point them toward the Dignity website.
  • As I counseled a Deuce coming out to her college roommate, you should tell them what “bisexual” means to you.
  • Like I told this other Deuce, don’t tell them you think that “everyone is bisexual.” Speak to your own feelings.

They will almost definitely claim that you’re too young to know what your sexuality is and that this is a phase. Probably what would work best is not to engage in the argument at all, simply replying, “I want you to be prepared if it isn’t.”

I think your real question, the real question behind every coming out letter I get, is, “How can I come out so that nothing will change?” You can’t. You can’t make them have the perfect reaction. Life is messy. But you’re opening the door to something more authentic, more magical, more you than you can imagine.

Here’s 13-year-old Jojo encouraging you to Get Out (of the closet). That’s peer support right there.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 8, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Settle in, Wild Deuces, for another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

Today I was called a “miserable dyke” by someone who doesn’t even know I’m bi. No one but strangers on the Internet do.

Do you have any suggestions on how to cope with such negative energy and finding the courage to come out even if people won’t accept me?

-Bi Girl

To be honest, one thing I’ve learned from being bisexual is that feeling hated is actually rather freeing. When it seems that you can’t please anyone, there’s not a thing stopping you from doing what you know to be right for yourself. Evidently, people are going to call you a dyke whether they know you’re queer or not. Under circumstances like that, you might as well come out on your own terms.

It’s understandable to want to wait until you think the world is ready to accept you before you come out. Unfortunately, depending on your immediate environment and where you set the bar for acceptance, your current wait time is somewhere between exceedingly long and forever. Better, I think, to come out when it’s more comfortable to be out than not.

When you make friends who are queer, socializing with and supporting each other, it starts to feel like more of a hassle to be closeted. When you date someone special and want the world to know — as does ze* — coming out begins to look attractive. As these people become a part of your life, you begin to internalize the good things about being LGBT, and you’re suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of hiding an authentic facet of yourself that isn’t bad at all.

If you feel the comfort scale tip to the other side of the closet door, that’s when it’s time. You have a lot of agency in making that happen. Reach out to the bi community and give us a chance to reach back.

Dear Tiggy,

I have been in a same-sex relationship for three years; my mother does not approve. However, I have been able to keep my love life and my family life separate.

Now that I am 31 years old (i.e. not getting any younger!), it is getting to me that these two parts of my life have almost no interaction. It feels like a juggling act that has been going on for way too long.

My dilemma is, I love my girlfriend but I also love my mother. I have trouble swallowing the usual advice that I get – “It’s your life and you should do what you want” – because I want my mother in my life just as much as my girlfriend.

Should I sacrifice my relationship with my girlfriend? I am attracted to guys as well, and figure I would be able to eventually find someone. But I don’t want to regret my decision later. I know there isn’t a clear cut answer on this one but…HELP!

-KT

Quite a different situation from our friend above, and yet the advice holds. You’ve kept your worlds discrete so far because it’s the least unpleasant choice among your admittedly less-than-ideal options. Or it was. It sounds like your life isn’t very pleasant anymore.

In your position, the partner is typically a main driver in bringing the situation to a head because ze refuses to be treated like a dirty little secret. Many times, the onus is on them to make the closeted one uncomfortable because otherwise nothing will change. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend has pressured you in that way, though. It makes me sad to see you describing your relationship with her as if it were disposable. I wonder if she senses that you feel that way and that’s why she hasn’t pushed you to intermingle your worlds.

If you do break up with her, I think you might be surprised at how little control you have over falling in love again. You may well fall for another woman; then what will you do? And even if you connect with a man or stay single, that pain of not being able to be your whole self with your mother may always be there.

In the same way that your girlfriend might not have enough faith in your relationship to push you to come out to your family, I think you might not be confident that your mother loves you enough to remain in your life if you’re out. That, too, makes me sad.

I think you need to reframe this in your mind: it isn’t a choice between your girlfriend and your mother. This is much bigger than that. It’s between living your life with integrity vs. having to contort yourself to keep someone’s love. It’s about giving your mother an opportunity to love the real you. I think you need a therapist to help you through these feelings, preferably one who specializes in bi clients and/or family dynamics. They can help you decide how uncomfortable is enough.

*gender-neutral pronoun

It’s OK to say “when”.
Regarding_Henry_43655_Medium

Let the Four Tops give it to you like this, Bi Girl.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 29, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m about to face an issue that lots of LGBT people have to deal with: college and, more specifically, dorm rooms.

I’m going to the University of Miami in the fall and I already know who my roommate will be. She is so awesome and we really hit it off. My worry is coming out to her. I would really like to have a girlfriend and that’s not something I want to have to hide from her.

I’m not out to anyone else at all. Also, my roommate lives in Shanghai which supposedly is not an LGBT-friendly place. (I don’t know if that’s true or if it matters.) My question is: how do I come out to her? Do I do it now or do I wait until she knows me better? Do I do it by having a long serious conversation or do I just say, “Hey, by the way, I’m bi?”

-Jessica

Congratulations on getting into U. Miami and soon embarking on the exciting adventure that is higher education! It bodes well for the upcoming year that you and your roommate are already getting along.

Let’s get the Shanghai thing out of the way first: it’s too hard to tell what she might think about having a female bisexual roommate based just on that. In general, the signs are good: Shanghai is a gigantic, multicultural city — I’m talking almost three times as big as NYC with more than twice the number of ethnicities — so residents are used to mixing it up with a pile of different people. There are lots of variables here, though: Is she from Shanghai proper or the suburbs? Does how she feel about queer men differ from how she feels about queer women? What are her thoughts on bisexuals specifically, as opposed to gays? This sociopsychological experiment is getting too complicated for the Upland Research Lab, so we’ll just figure that she’s a bit more cosmopolitan than the average bear and that’s probably a good thing.

I’m sorry to report that there’s no one “correct” way to come out to ensure a good response. But if you’re asking what I would do in your shoes…

  • Wait until she knows you, but don’t wait too long. If she already knows and likes you as a person, I believe she’ll be more likely to accept any traits attached to you. I think telling her a week after you’ve moved in together would give you both time to enjoy the rush of new experiences and bond with each other while demonstrating that you addressed this in a timely manner.

  • Throw out some flags that could prompt an organic conversation. Ask her if she’s OK with you putting a “Safe Space” pink triangle sticker near your door, put some bisexual buttons on your bulletin board or your bag, write “Going to the LGBT Center, BRB” on your dry erase board, etc. These actions will also make it easier to generally be “out” right when you start college.

  • If you bring it up, don’t act like you’re telling her you have cancer. If none of the above signs result in her approaching the topic, you should do so yourself about a week in. Pick a time when you’re alone and not rushing around; studying together in your room one afternoon should provide a good opportunity.

    • Accept that you’re going to be nervous and you’ll execute the whole thing in a rather ham-fisted manner — that’s OK. It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be done. Start with something like, “Hey, so, there’s something interesting about me that I wanted to share with you.” Try to sound upbeat.

  • Tell her what “bisexual” means to you. You can say, “I identify as bisexual,” and then, “That means…” and tell her what that means to you. Perhaps: “I’m open to dating people of any gender, not just guys.” You might want to use Robyn Ochs’s definition or, if that’s too complicated to memorize and deliver, just post it in your room somewhere for reference.

  • Tell her what this means for her. You can say, “I wanted you to know so you aren’t taken by surprise if I go on a date with a woman, for example.” You could also head off her fears at the pass and provide a little comic relief by saying, “By the way, although you are obviously the most intriguing and beautiful woman in the world, I understand that you are not interested in women in a romantic way, so I’ve decided not to attempt to mate with you. You’re welcome.”

  • Let her know where you’re coming from. You can tell her that she’s the first person you’ve come out to. That will alert her that you’re a bit vulnerable while also conveying that you trust and respect her.

  • Find community support. You might want to check out SpectrUM meetings right away. It will feel much better to say, “Alright, you guys, I’m planning on coming out to my roommate tomorrow, wish me luck!” to a group that can respond, “Here’s how I did it. We’re here for you no matter how she reacts. You got this!” If you feel that you can trust your R.A., you could also tell her in advance.

Nothing left to do but jump in with both feet, Jessica. You can do this! Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

Hey, it’s dorms at U. Miami!


Hey, it’s queers at U. Miami!


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 12, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Sending all my love to the Wild Deuces who caught Bilicious Boston on one of the TWO nights we had it this past weekend. Never forget that bisexuals are everywhere!

Dear Tiggy,

My best friend recently came out as bisexual to me. His sexuality doesn’t make any difference to me and I was very supportive of him since he hasn’t told anyone else.

I would like to give him some sound advice on how to tell his parents because his mother is very…I don’t think “homophobic” is the right word, but she’s not as tolerant as he would like and he’s afraid to tell her.

I suggested perhaps mentioning that I myself am bisexual and seeing how she reacted to that news in order to gauge how she feels about it in general. But I would love to be able to help him out more. He’s my best friend in the whole world and I’m so glad he felt that he could tell me something so personal.

He’s been feeling depressed lately and I’m afraid that’s why. He can’t be honest with the main people in his life.

Any advice?

-Chloe

I’m sure it kills you to see him so down and you want to do whatever it takes to make him happy again, but I don’t think you appreciate what a lifeline you’re already providing to him. You’re a main person in his life and he can be honest with you. How great is that?!

If you’ve ever been to Bilicious, you know that there’s a question and answer period with the performers at the end. At our last show, an audience member asked about how she might come out to her parents. Michael replied that he came out to his father by slipping it into conversation at a family barbecue. He had mentioned his involvement with the Bisexual Resource Center and his father said, “So, what are you, the token straight guy?” And Michael responded, “No, I’m bisexual, hey, can you pass the ketchup, Mom, is there going to be corn on the cob?” Karin suggested that the audience member put a positive spin on it. She broached the topic with her own mother like so: “I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationships with people lately and I’ve discovered a really cool new thing about myself. I’m excited about it and I want to share it with you.”

As you can see, there are various ways to come out and each one is very specific to the parental relationship at hand. That’s why I think you should back away from telling your friend how (and when — does he even want to come out right now?) to tell his mother. It might not be emotionally safe for him to do this now, or with her, or before he does something else, etc. Let him navigate his own path.

I do see where you were going with the “Tell her I’m bi” plan, and there is a certain logic to it, but I don’t think it’s going to be effective. Some parents are OK with everyone being bi…except their own kid. Other parents thoughtlessly rattle off bigoted statements until their kid is personally involved, at which point they realize that their love for their child trumps all of that stuff they thought they believed.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Try to support his choices as he goes through this process. Listen to him. If you’re not sure what to say, ask questions about how he feels so you can listen some more. Listening feels like it’s passive but it makes a tremendous difference. And like I told the Golden Girls, thank you for being a friend, Chloe. It gets better for people like him because of friends like you.

 
It’s about time I pulled this one out.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 24, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a happily married 27-year-old woman. I am bi, and my husband knows and is fine with it. I’m only out to him, my mother, my brother, and my step-dad, who are all are supportive of me. Other than that, no one else knows, as it’s a bad town to come out in.

My brother has a girlfriend who I really like a lot. She is also bi and likes me as well. They have a two-year-old and recently had a six-month-old who died of SIDS. My brother cheats on her all the time –- it’s a fact, he told me. He also told me that he is leaving her for another woman soon. Please know that I would never backstab my brother; I have been honest with him and let him know that I have a crush on his girlfriend. He didn’t care.

Is it wrong of me to like her? Would it be wrong to date her if my brother didn’t mind? Or should I leave her alone and find someone else? I am very confused because I have never been in this situation before, and with all that’s been going on in her life, I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

One more question, on a separate note: is it normal that when I’m around girls that I act a little “macho” and I feel like a gentleman, but when I’m with my husband, I’m a lady? Is there something wrong with me that I feel guy-ish like that?

I appreciate you taking the time to help me. There really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this.

—Seaweed


Let’s take the second question first: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s fun to play with gender roles and see what makes you feel most like yourself in different situations. Not to mention, it can be way sexy, baby! You can explore a bit more by looking up “genderplay” and “genderfuck” online and in books. There are millions of ways that people express gender, so don’t be afraid to let loose with your macho-lady self (in a safe space, of course).

My only caution is against basing your gender expression on who you’re with at any given moment. If those different camps of friends/family/lovers end up in the same room, it could feel like your worlds are colliding. Work on playing with gender while maintaining a consistent, integrated character. That kernel of your personality is the essence of you.

As for your crush, it’s great that you’re coming from a standpoint of loyalty toward your brother and compassion for his girlfriend. (Er, seems that between you and your bro, you scored the Sensitivity Gene…) It’s not wrong of you to like her, although I suppose the case could be made that your dating her could confuse her two-year-old. But considering all that’s on this poor woman’s plate –- recently losing a child, getting dumped by the philandering father of her toddler –- I think what’s in her best interest is if you don’t make a play for her now. What she’s really going to need when your brother leaves her is a friend.

When the break-up goes down, I’d write her a letter saying that you’re sorry to hear what happened and your heart goes out to her. Then, tell her that you’re starting to have feelings for her. Say that a.) you’re willing to push them aside in order to be there for her as a friend during this tough time, OR b.) you need to take a break from spending time with her because you can’t ignore these feelings. This strategy is all about communication and respect…plus, if she feels the same way, it gives her a chance to let you know.

Keep in mind, Seaweed: she’s not the only fish in the sea. It shouldn’t be that hard to find a salmon who isn’t up to her gills in your family drama.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 18, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy


Dear Tiggy,

I just recently came to terms with knowing that I am bisexual. I tend to be more attracted to women but I’m still attracted to men. I just got a divorce from my wife who treated me like I wasn’t a man because I’m bi and made me feel ashamed. I’m HIV positive, almost homeless, about to drop out of school, and a veteran of eight years. I have no friends or family up here in upstate New York and I’m at my wits’ end. I don’t know how much more I can take between my ex-wife making false police reports on me, having no food to eat, and being alone. I just don’t know what to do and when I stumbled on your site, I figured I’d give it one last try. I don’t know how much longer I can last like this; I’m not as strong as I used to be. Thanks for listening.

—John from Poughkeepsie


I’m so glad you reached out to me, John. This is a terrible time for you right now but you’re going to get through this. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will weather this difficult storm and come out stronger on the other side because you’ll know that if you got through that, you can get through anything.

You need support, and badly. You’re vulnerable on just about every possible front. If you can move to where friends or family are, do so, and as soon as possible. Move in with them temporarily so you can have a home, food, and contact with people who love you. I suspect that you don’t want to be a burden on anyone but in dire straits — and, John, they don’t get more dire than you’ve described — you have to swallow your pride and ask for help. It’s a necessary stepping stone to getting back on your feet. Keep in mind that until you have at least a temporary home and you know where your next meal is coming from, you won’t be able to fully help yourself. Because you’re moving, you’ll need to drop out of school for now but credits do transfer. It doesn’t mean you’ll never go back. However, getting hundreds of miles away does mean that your ex-wife will probably stop calling the cops on you.

When you get settled with people who love you, your plan of action should be to get into the social service system. Leave no stone unturned: find the nearest support center for HIV-positive people, for veterans, for the homeless, and for elders if you’re 50 years old or older. Ask each of them to assign you a social worker; they can provide and suggest resources like food, housing opportunities, legal assistance, debt relief, and employment. There IS help out there for you, especially since you fall into certain categories of vulnerable people.

John, summon your energy and call a friend or family member today to see if they’ll put you up for a while. If the first person you call can’t help, keep calling friends until someone can. Then throw whatever you own into your car and go to them. Please let people help you. And check back in with me so I know that you’re doing better. The bi community is pulling for you.

UPDATE for “Looking to Provide Support”: There’s a new Facebook group called “Bi Standers” for mates, partners, husbands, and wives of mixed-orientation marriages, state-recognized or otherwise. It’s a cyberspace for all members of these long-term relationships who want support or to be supportive to others.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.