subtle – Tiggy Upland

1/2/15
Dear Tiggy,

Our son, who just turned 16, had a girlfriend last year for a few months. He was crazy about her, said he felt “dizzy” when they held hands, and was quite sad when she broke it off. He has been lately getting closer and closer with his (male) best friend. They spend a lot of time together, going on long walks and such, all of which did not seem out of the ordinary. The other day, however, they were holding hands and cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. They stopped abruptly when I entered the room. Later, I peeked around the corner and they were doing it again.

He has been acting more secretive lately. My wife and I keep trying to gently give him opportunities to talk to us about it but he has not yet shared anything. We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready. I have said non-specific supportive things to him lately, like that he can always talk to us about anything and asking him if there’s anything on his mind. He seems uncomfortable so I don’t push further than that. But we want to educate ourselves and be ready in case he springs it on us.

We know a lot about gay feelings (and are very comfortable with all of it) from our long experience with our many gay friends, but we do not have any bisexual friends and we feel like we know very little about what that is like, particularly for a teen. I have no idea if he even can categorize himself at this young age, nor do I want him to feel pressured to label himself. I suppose he probably falls into the “questioning” area right now, but still, we want to be able to talk to him about it whenever he feels ready. Also, we don’t know his friend’s parents very well and we don’t know if they know about this relationship; I think it is unlikely. We feel, just as we would if he were getting close and affectionate with a girl, that we don’t want him dating someone in secret.

My question, then, is this: is there anything we should know about the process of coming out as bisexual, compared with coming out as gay? Unlike other parents of gay kids who say they “knew for years” because of their child’s behavior, my son has never exhibited any outward signs of being gay, nor has he ever said or done anything that would have tipped us off. That said, he also is not nearly as girl-crazy as I was at 16. No Victoria’s Secret catalogs under the bed, but no International Male either. I am just scared of saying the wrong thing when he does decide to share with me, I want him to feel loved and happy, but at the same time he is so young and I remember how confusing everything is at this age. I know teenagers experiment sometimes but what constitutes experimenting and at what point has he crossed over into identity? I don’t want to belittle his feelings by suggesting that this is “just a phase”…but might it be?

Anyway, this is a long essay — sorry — but I am really experiencing a lot of confusing feelings myself right now, and any advice would be appreciated.

-Michael

1/3/2015
Dear Tiggy,

I just read the “For Parents” essay on the BRC website; I don’t know how I missed it the first time. It answered most of the questions I asked you! I am so sorry I didn’t check that first. If you know Robert Barton, please tell him THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Very helpful and informative. I still have one thing, though, that I could use advice on, so I will rephrase the question:

I wouldn’t feel right outing the other kid to his family if he is not ready, but I also don’t feel that I should allow my son to be dating this boy and doing anything physical with their son — even kissing and holding hands — if they don’t know about it. Any advice on how I should approach this?

If the other boy (also 16) is not ready or willing to tell his parents then I feel I should I tell my son he has to put the brakes on this thing until his friend has spoken to them. Once he has done that, and then in turn they have had a discussion with me and my wife, then I think we can figure out where we all are, but at least there will be no secrets.

If I tell my son that this is the way it has to be, I’m afraid it will be like I’m “forbidding” my son from seeing someone he cares about, but it seems to me that there are issues here that would apply to any parents, no matter what their kid’s sexual identity is. I would want the same thing if my son were involved with a girl, so it seems like it’s no different, but I think maybe it is different because of the issue of outing.

-Michael

Firstly, you and your wife are doing really well in handling this in a loving and supportive manner. Keep up the absolutely excellent work. It’s a relief to the entire bisexual community that people like you exist.

It’s good to get into the habit of treating an LGBT relationship the same way you’d treat a hetero one; it speaks to your sense of fairness. Here’s the thing, though: a romantic relationship your teenage son is having with another boy is different in a couple of ways than one with a girl. It needs to be treated as such mostly for reasons surrounding safety because society rejects same-sex relationships.

If you don’t know the other boy’s parents, then you don’t know whether outing him would endanger his physical or emotional safety. Please acknowledge that he could end up beaten, homeless, humiliated, and so forth, and that those consequences are not unlikely. I know someone from one of the most liberal areas of the U.S. who, when her parents discovered that she was in a same-sex relationship, was sent to exorcists. You do not have the right to put someone in that position, particularly a child, simply to enforce a personal tenet of transparency in relationships.

Even if the response from his family (and friends, and school…these things have a way of getting around) isn’t that bad, outing someone is a terrible thing to do. It robs a person of privacy and control over their own identity.

If your son were dating a girl and hiding the relationship, it would probably be because one of them was cheating, ashamed of the other, or had parents who did not approve. It makes sense that you would not support anything like that. But in not announcing a same-sex relationship, your son is trying to protect himself from bullying while figuring out his feelings without undue pressure. These seem to me like fine reasons to keep a relationship under wraps.

Attentive parents tend to want to know who their child is dating because they are interested in their kid’s life and have a responsibility to guide their son/daughter. But let’s be real here: a major reason that a parent might want to restrain their teenager’s romantic relationships is the possibility of pregnancy. That’s not an issue here.

You say: “We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready” (italics mine). These are excellent instincts. Know that that necessarily means not forcing his hand by insisting that he be out on your terms. I sense that you’re uncomfortable with the lack of control you have over all this…imagine how your son feels. I think you should continue offering general support but otherwise give your son some space to sort out his feelings. Know that he must feel so much safer to understand through your gestures that you have his back. And he gets that, trust me. Dads are never as subtle as they think!

By the way, it’s perfectly fine for you to kindly insist — without providing a reason — that he leave the door open when hanging out with this guy. You’re still his parent and it’s still your house. I doubt he’ll ask why this rule suddenly cropped up.

Note to Michael’s kid: They’re onto you, buddy!

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter has informed my wife and me that she is bisexual. I am very supportive and accepting of her decision. However, she wants to “come out” on her Facebook page. I am curious if that is really the way to do it. I think she should tell her “true” friends and family, as I don’t really feel it matters what the rest of the world thinks. I guess I don’t really understand the Facebook thing when it comes to personal information because you’re not just telling people who are your friends, you’re telling the whole world. Maybe I’m just old fashioned?

-Steve

First and foremost, a big ol’ virtual high-five to you for being a supportive and accepting parent. It’s going to make it so much easier for your daughter to grow up happy and healthy, and she’s lucky to have you.

The thing you need to know about Facebook in this situation is what your daughter’s privacy settings are. Can the whole world really see her page or just the people she “friends”? (Pro-tip: “Friend” is now a verb.) Pretty much everyone I know has their settings on the latter, and that’s especially important for a teenager. In fact, I would recommend that her privacy settings allow only people who are her Facebook friends to message her, and then make sure she understands that she should only friend people she knows in real life. Facebook is for keeping in touch with people you know, not for meeting new people.

Now that that’s sorted, I think we can agree that if she announces this news on Facebook, she really will be telling people who are her friends and family. And yet, I’ll bet you’re still a bit uncomfortable about it, huh? I absolutely believe that you’re supportive of her sexual identity but…well, let me turn your logic around on you for a sec: if it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks, then why not announce it?

Gotcha there, Steve.

When you come out, it’s scary to do so with the people you love the most because you’re emotionally invested in the fallout. But with everyone else – distant cousins, loose acquaintances, and so forth – it’s more of a hassle than nerve-wracking. It’s enormously fulfilling to be out but it’s just so tedious and time-consuming to have to tell every single person in your life. For bisexuals, it’s that much harder because even if we date someone of the same gender, folks tend to figure that we’re homosexual. Bisexuality is never the default assumption, so we’re stuck coming out constantly.

In the olden days, you would tell a couple of gossipy friends and they would mercifully spread the word for you. But the 21st century has come up with a more efficient method: just post the darned thing on Facebook and be done with it. What a relief that your daughter no longer has to canvass door-to-door making sure everyone has heard – she can just hit up Zuckerberg’s electronic town crier. She might not even post an announcement, opting instead to check off “Women” and “Men” under Interested In in the Basic Information section.

What I’m saying is, I think this is going to be more subtle than you’re imagining. Ask her to let you know when and how she announces it on Facebook, and keep an eye on the initial reaction. I suspect her revelation will be received with neither a bang nor a whimper, but the simple, quiet validation of many Likes.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.