South

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 26 and just starting to embrace my bisexuality. The problem is that I don’t look like a lesbian, so it’s hard to find girls who might be interested. I like to dress up and put on makeup when I go out, and I’m attracted to feminine girls. I can’t tell who is gay or bi and they can’t tell that I’m bi. Do I need to wear a hat that says “bisexual” on it? (Kidding.) I’m in a conservative part of North Carolina, which doesn’t help. In summary: how do I meet girls and still act/look like myself?

-Brownie

Oh, yes. Tiggy can relate.

The way I see it, you have four options which are, thankfully, not mutually exclusive:

1.) Online dating. Duh.

2.) Be out. If virtually everyone who knows you knows you’re bi and single, you can get pretty far with dating just friends and acquaintances, not to mention letting your peeps set you up. And hey, dating people you already know is typically the most effective method to meet quality potential partners anyway. Win-win.

3.) Frequent queer spaces. All ladies are fair game for flirting with in queer spaces regardless of where they fall on the butch/femme spectrum. Just being in the room is akin to wearing a “bisexual” hat, minus the questionable fashion therein and the resulting hat head.

Note that there’s no need to limit yourself to bars and clubs if they’re not your scene. Visit MeetUp.com to find some local LGBT groups that host activities you enjoy. Better still, you could start your own. The Boston area has an incredible group called Mad Femme Pride that you might try to emulate. Sure, the queer vibe in North Carolina is different from Massachusetts, but never assume that you’re the only person facing a particular challenge. I bet a whole gaggle of North Carolinan chicks are waiting for someone to start a group like that. Why not you?

4.) Summon your courage to hit on mainstream strangers. That’s right: the Level 10 of queer dating. You might decide to limit yourself to flirting with women who give some sort of sign that they are queer. Likewise, you may start wearing a necklace or bracelet with bi colors in order to throw the girls a flag. When you have someone in your sights, the best thing to do is to wait until she looks at you, then look away like you didn’t want her to know you were looking at her. But as you do, smile to yourself and play with your hair a little. Practice this move at home.

Lucky for you, a femme and (I presume) cisgender woman can generally risk accidentally hitting on straight ladies without physical retribution, even in conservative areas. No, you’re merely subject to potential embarrassment or a bruised ego but that’s the spice of life, amirite? Just keep reminding yourself that you can’t win if you don’t play, and that scads of magnificent women are clamoring to bewitch you if only you’d give them a chance.

The existential question of these modern times.

She has a point, Olivia.

Oh, God, we’re all just Bizarro Chandler, aren’t we?

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m being bullied for my sexuality, but it’s tricky: I’m a bisexual 14-year-old in northeast Louisiana. Recently, I came out to a friend who I trusted, but they told the entire school. Now that everyone knows I’m bi, I’ve been picked on for acting feminine. I’ve also been called things such as “faggot” and “whore” in front of teachers, who all turn their heads as the kids continue to bully me.

I would try to tell a counselor but my school is a predominantly Christian, homo/biphobic place. Not one adult there supports the LGBT community. Though I’m a larger, more muscular type of person, I’m very mellow, so I am trying not to let them instigate a fight. However, some students have tried to start fights and have threatened me.

What do I do?

—Special K

There are two major things to know:

You are not alone.

In December, a 17-year-old girl in Massachusetts was beaten up for being bi. The BRC made this video for her, and for all of the bullied bi kids out there. You can use the resources we talk about in the video to answer the questions you might have about being bi and to connect with our community. There are hundreds of thousands of us; in fact, bisexuals are the biggest group in the queer community. We’re here for you, Special K.

And you’re not alone as a bullied teen, either. Watch David Aponte’s video where he talks about being picked on for stupid reasons and then having adults at his school react inappropriately. Sound familiar? This happened and still happens to so many of us. The good news is that a confluence of events – including the many “It Gets Better” videos on YouTube, which you should also watch – has brought the issue of bullying to the forefront in this country and it’s not acceptable for adults to ignore it anymore. Which brings us to the second point…

You cannot go through this alone.

You have to tell your parents.

Hold up – you don’t have to come out to them. You just need to tell them that you’re being bullied. Tell them that random kids are calling you names and trying to get you to fight them. If they ask why kids are calling you “faggot” or saying that you act feminine, you can say: 1.) you don’t know, 2.) they’re jerks, 3.) they don’t even know what they’re talking about, or 4.) all of the above. Your parents already know that kids act like this, and that’s why they probably won’t even ask anyway.

I’m really hoping that your school is public because there are certain government standards by which they must abide. This law in Louisiana requires “local school boards to adopt policies prohibiting harassment, intimidation and bullying by students and protecting students and employees who report such incidents.” Your parents can bring this up at a school committee meeting or in a private meeting with your principal. I know it’s beyond embarrassing to have people at school know that your parents are sticking up for you, but they probably won’t know at all. It’s not like your parents are calling other kids’ parents.

In short, they need to bring this to the school’s attention and politely point out that the administration is required by law to do something. The school might then create a student-led anti-bullying group, show the movie “Bully” to the students and faculty, or hold some other awareness-raising program. Trust me, they’ll do something. They can be as backward as they want but let me tell you, there’s not a school in America that wants angry parents, bad press, or questions from government funders about whether they’re following the law. And once your school puts a focus on anti-bullying, the teachers will stop pretending that they don’t see it happening.

Here are some fantastic resources that your parents might be interested in: http://www.stopbullyinglouisiana.org/resources. Please tell them today, and let me know how it goes.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 17, 2013

May 1, 2012