July 10, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am 20 years old and semi-closeted. I say “semi” because while there are a handful of people who know I am bi, there are also a handful of people who seem to suspect that I am a lesbian, and a few large handfuls of people who assume that I am straight and “just quirky about Charlize Theron, among other things.” I mean if they ever bothered to ask, I’d tell them, but these things don’t just come up in conversation on an everyday basis, ya know?

O.K., O.K., a lot of this is on me. I’m awkward about the labels. I wish this could be done telepathically. Anyway, I am not in school, have limited transportation options, and live in a smallish town although I am sort of close to DC –- just not close enough. There is no LGBT group in my area and I’m beginning to feel like I’m the only queer girl in my entire town. Any advice for getting out and socializing? I feel like I need a bisexual bat signal.

-Mary

Before we begin, I’d like to announce that I am forming a garage punk band called Bisexual Bat Signal. I will be the drummer. Obviously.

All right, back to you. I hate to agree, but a decent chunk of this is on you. Ask yourself: Why don’t I want people to know that I’m bi? Giving that a good think will open your eyes to why you might be sabotaging yourself.

Then, ask yourself: Why do I want people to know that I’m bi? Let your answers motivate you. Once you commit to wanting folks to know, you need to get a few of those bi buttons that only queer people understand. These include, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I took both,” “It’s the chemistry, not the plumbing,” and, of course, “It’s not a phase, it’s my life.” There’s your bat signal. Please be prepared, though, for straight friends to ask about them, too.

You say there are no LGBT groups anywhere near you…yeah, I’m not convinced. A quick Google search turns up many queer community groups in Virginia and Maryland. (As always, check BiNet’s map first for bi groups across the country.) Beyond that, you can find local LGBT groups in Unitarian Universalist churches, on MeetUp.com, through volunteer opportunities –- the list goes on. Look harder.

As for dating, the absolute best thing you can do is optimize your transportation situation. When you don’t live in a city but you want to socialize with other queers, you need a car. If you can’t afford one, cut off your cable TV or take an additional part-time job. I’m serious –- this is social life or death. Remember that most of the people you’ll meet through online dating will live in DC and just about all of them will expect you to meet them in the city.

The bottom line is that you’re going to have to put the effort into finding queer community. It’s out there but it’s not going to fall into your lap. In the immortal words of the great RuPaul, you betta WORK.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 24, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a happily married 27-year-old woman. I am bi, and my husband knows and is fine with it. I’m only out to him, my mother, my brother, and my step-dad, who are all are supportive of me. Other than that, no one else knows, as it’s a bad town to come out in.

My brother has a girlfriend who I really like a lot. She is also bi and likes me as well. They have a two-year-old and recently had a six-month-old who died of SIDS. My brother cheats on her all the time –- it’s a fact, he told me. He also told me that he is leaving her for another woman soon. Please know that I would never backstab my brother; I have been honest with him and let him know that I have a crush on his girlfriend. He didn’t care.

Is it wrong of me to like her? Would it be wrong to date her if my brother didn’t mind? Or should I leave her alone and find someone else? I am very confused because I have never been in this situation before, and with all that’s been going on in her life, I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

One more question, on a separate note: is it normal that when I’m around girls that I act a little “macho” and I feel like a gentleman, but when I’m with my husband, I’m a lady? Is there something wrong with me that I feel guy-ish like that?

I appreciate you taking the time to help me. There really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this.

—Seaweed


Let’s take the second question first: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s fun to play with gender roles and see what makes you feel most like yourself in different situations. Not to mention, it can be way sexy, baby! You can explore a bit more by looking up “genderplay” and “genderfuck” online and in books. There are millions of ways that people express gender, so don’t be afraid to let loose with your macho-lady self (in a safe space, of course).

My only caution is against basing your gender expression on who you’re with at any given moment. If those different camps of friends/family/lovers end up in the same room, it could feel like your worlds are colliding. Work on playing with gender while maintaining a consistent, integrated character. That kernel of your personality is the essence of you.

As for your crush, it’s great that you’re coming from a standpoint of loyalty toward your brother and compassion for his girlfriend. (Er, seems that between you and your bro, you scored the Sensitivity Gene…) It’s not wrong of you to like her, although I suppose the case could be made that your dating her could confuse her two-year-old. But considering all that’s on this poor woman’s plate –- recently losing a child, getting dumped by the philandering father of her toddler –- I think what’s in her best interest is if you don’t make a play for her now. What she’s really going to need when your brother leaves her is a friend.

When the break-up goes down, I’d write her a letter saying that you’re sorry to hear what happened and your heart goes out to her. Then, tell her that you’re starting to have feelings for her. Say that a.) you’re willing to push them aside in order to be there for her as a friend during this tough time, OR b.) you need to take a break from spending time with her because you can’t ignore these feelings. This strategy is all about communication and respect…plus, if she feels the same way, it gives her a chance to let you know.

Keep in mind, Seaweed: she’s not the only fish in the sea. It shouldn’t be that hard to find a salmon who isn’t up to her gills in your family drama.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.