Dear Tiggy,
I’m a happily married 27-year-old woman. I am bi, and my husband knows and is fine with it. I’m only out to him, my mother, my brother, and my step-dad, who are all are supportive of me. Other than that, no one else knows, as it’s a bad town to come out in.
My brother has a girlfriend who I really like a lot. She is also bi and likes me as well. They have a two-year-old and recently had a six-month-old who died of SIDS. My brother cheats on her all the time –- it’s a fact, he told me. He also told me that he is leaving her for another woman soon. Please know that I would never backstab my brother; I have been honest with him and let him know that I have a crush on his girlfriend. He didn’t care.
Is it wrong of me to like her? Would it be wrong to date her if my brother didn’t mind? Or should I leave her alone and find someone else? I am very confused because I have never been in this situation before, and with all that’s been going on in her life, I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.
One more question, on a separate note: is it normal that when I’m around girls that I act a little “macho” and I feel like a gentleman, but when I’m with my husband, I’m a lady? Is there something wrong with me that I feel guy-ish like that?
I appreciate you taking the time to help me. There really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this.
—Seaweed
Let’s take the second question first: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s fun to play with gender roles and see what makes you feel most like yourself in different situations. Not to mention, it can be way sexy, baby! You can explore a bit more by looking up “genderplay” and “genderfuck” online and in books. There are millions of ways that people express gender, so don’t be afraid to let loose with your macho-lady self (in a safe space, of course).
My only caution is against basing your gender expression on who you’re with at any given moment. If those different camps of friends/family/lovers end up in the same room, it could feel like your worlds are colliding. Work on playing with gender while maintaining a consistent, integrated character. That kernel of your personality is the essence of you.
As for your crush, it’s great that you’re coming from a standpoint of loyalty toward your brother and compassion for his girlfriend. (Er, seems that between you and your bro, you scored the Sensitivity Gene…) It’s not wrong of you to like her, although I suppose the case could be made that your dating her could confuse her two-year-old. But considering all that’s on this poor woman’s plate –- recently losing a child, getting dumped by the philandering father of her toddler –- I think what’s in her best interest is if you don’t make a play for her now. What she’s really going to need when your brother leaves her is a friend.
When the break-up goes down, I’d write her a letter saying that you’re sorry to hear what happened and your heart goes out to her. Then, tell her that you’re starting to have feelings for her. Say that a.) you’re willing to push them aside in order to be there for her as a friend during this tough time, OR b.) you need to take a break from spending time with her because you can’t ignore these feelings. This strategy is all about communication and respect…plus, if she feels the same way, it gives her a chance to let you know.
Keep in mind, Seaweed: she’s not the only fish in the sea. It shouldn’t be that hard to find a salmon who isn’t up to her gills in your family drama.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.