August 20, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bisexual in a very feminine body. I have, for some time now, privately identified as “genderqueer” as I really do not feel like a woman, but I’m not really a guy either. I also identify as a top, not in terms of dominance but just in terms of being a giving partner vs. a receiving partner.

I have a broad range of attractions and of late, I have been seeing a lot of straight guys, which is partly a function of living in a small town. It is getting to the point with one where this issue should probably come up. My question for you is how I can best explain this subject without sending a straight guy running, or without causing him to fear that I may physically change genders at some point in the future? Are there good resources that address this issue?

-Tops Up

Sad fact: there are not many resources specific to genderqueers who are not transsexual. You might enjoy following Genderfork or get some info from Genderqueer Australia. There are also groups in larger cities, like Genderqueer Chicago, and a smattering of Meetups but overall, there remain precious few supplies of assistance for this vivid and varied crew. I pray that a slew of genderqueer angels will heed the desperate bleating for such resources and create a rush of websites, blogs, and articles for their people. Tops Up, you may be one of these heroes that your fellow genderqueers dream of. If you’re even slightly inclined, I command you to take to the keyboard post haste (makeshift mask and pillowcase cape optional)!

Until then, you have a question, and it’s one that so many share. Regardless of the failings of society at large for providing advice in this particular area, Tiggy can answer you. Of course she can answer you. Always bet on Upland.

I turned to my pal, J, a genderqueer genius, for their* experience with this exact dilemma. Most of it, says J, boils down to accepting yourself. No sexual partner, no matter how kind and open, will get you to be comfortable authentically expressing yourself until you accept that it’s OK to not choose a gender. You’re battling against every single thing thrown at you in life that says it’s not right to be neither male nor female, nor headed in the direction of either. But you’re not in this fight alone, not nearly. You can do this.

J concedes that even for people without a lick of shame surrounding their genderqueeritude, it can be exasperating to repeatedly slog through this dating scenario. In essence, J began to feel that having sex with straight guys felt probably like when a homosexual person who is not out to themselves has sex with someone of the opposite sex: the sex was perhaps exuberant but tender, their partner was both generous and considerate, good ol’ Tab A went into handy Slot B…but something was just off about the whole thing and they can’t quite put their finger on what.

J tells an anecdote about having a sexual experience with someone and suddenly realizing that this person saw J as a woman. J stepped back to wonder, “Is it OK that I need them to interact with me in the manner that I want, i.e. not acting toward me like, or even thinking that, I am a woman?” They ultimately decided that yes, it was. And it’s OK for you, too. It’s OK for you to need that and not accept less. J feels extremely distressed when regarded as a woman in bed; if you feel the same way, please know that your feelings are perfectly valid.

Although this might not be the answer for you, J solved their dilemma by not dating straight guys anymore. They did not want to restrict themselves to dating partners who restricted themselves to dating women. Whether you choose that route or not, both J and I want you to start telling your truth to the people in your life. We think you’ll be amazed at the results.

*J prefers the pronouns “they,” “their,” and “theirs.”

 
Actually, Black Sheep, you don’t have to get with this or that.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 20, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Before I married my wife, one of the reasons I felt connected to her was when I told her I may be bisexual, she said she was fine with it. Since then, she has said things over the years to imply that I might be “funny.” I am “funny” – that’s why I felt so good with her acceptance. Now I feel funny in a bad way.

Even if I am faithful and not having sex with men, I can’t win. How can I avoid feeling ashamed of myself or afraid to be who I am, and express myself to my wife?

—Headless Veggie

Ooh, Veggie, I’ll bet that hurt. I’m sorry – it sounds like you feel betrayed.

But here’s something I learned from an Interpersonal Communications seminar I once took: you need to verify what the person actually meant, especially if you care about them.

It’s human nature to assume you know what a loved one means when they’re speaking plain English, but you’d be surprised how often we misunderstand even those closest to us. You can wait until the next time she makes a “funny” comment and reply – calmly and curiously – “What do you mean by that?” Or, you could pick a quiet moment when you’re together and say, “Remember that time you said I was ‘funny’? What did you mean by that?”

Her comments might just be a ham-fisted way of trying to open up a dialogue on what bisexuality means to you. If you two haven’t talked candidly about that, she might be worried that you think it’s OK to be non-monogamous. Now, you know that non-monogamy and bisexuality are two totally different things, and Tiggy knows it, but it’s possible that your wife doesn’t know much of anything about bisexuality. Did you talk about it beyond telling her years ago that you might be bi? Tiggy suspects not.

Now is the time for a deep discussion about your sexuality, as well as your feelings around her support for your true self. I think she wants this, and it can only be good for you in the long run. Go for it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 12, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 58-year-old, twice-divorced man. Ever since I hit puberty and had some homosexual encounters with a cousin and other pubescent male friends, I’ve desired the sexual activities but have zero-zip-zilch emotional connection with men.

I NEVER look at a man and say, “Wow… I’d really like to [sexual activity].” But I always notice women, am attracted to them – and they to me – and enjoy both sex and emotional connection with them. However, for years, I frequented adult bookstores with video booths with glory holes and performed oral sex on many men anonymously. I also have had anal sex with men less than a dozen times. After the physical encounters, I experience the most debilitating shame and guilt to the point of suicide (which I obviously haven’t carried out since I’m still here).

I haven’t done anything with a man in a very long time but the desire is still there. I think about it every day. I wish I could satisfy the physical desire, but there’s just no way that I would ever want a real relationship with a man. My relationships with women are positive and fulfilling, yet this other desire is always present. I’m in a relationship with a woman now (not living together, though) and she would not tolerate this kind of behavior.

Any thoughts, ideas, “cures”?

—Crater Lake

My dear, I am neither willing nor able to “cure” you of human sexuality, as there is nothing sick about it. From where I sit, your problems regarding this issue are: 1.) post-sex shame/guilt, and 2.) securing an optimal emotional and sexual situation.

For the first, I’m so sorry to hear that shame and guilt over something that is not wrong is eating you up. If you’re ever suicidal again, please call 1-800-SUICIDE immediately. When your brain is set on self-destruct over something as benign as consensual sex between adults, you are not thinking clearly. One of the hotline counselors can talk you down until you realize how senseless and terrible it would be to take your own life.

There’s only one way I know of to get rid of shame: you have to get your secret out. It’s been locked up in your mind, festering and poisoning you, making you think crazy things like that you’re bad for doing what you do. Unburden yourself from this secret and feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. Say it out loud.

I’m sending you on a Get-It-Off-My-Chest Mission. Don’t start out by shouting it from the rooftops, though; pace yourself…

1. Tell one person online who you’ll never meet anyway. (Hey, you already told me – nice job!)

2. Tell more people online: chat anonymously with likeminded folks on one of the Craigslist discussion forums.

3. Tell a therapist: let him know that you want to work on alleviating shame surrounding your sexual behavior.

4. Ask him to recommend an appropriate men’s conversation group. Tell the people there.

By then, you’ll hear that other people have the same sexual and romantic feelings and activities as you. I promise that experiencing that validation is unlike anything else.

As for the second, that’s what we’re all looking for. You’re really not that different from everyone else, I swear. Maybe you’ll decide that you can live without having other sexual partners as long as you can stay with your lady. Here’s a secret that I told Conan O’Brien: nobody gets exactly what s/he wants in this world. “Good enough” can be pretty darned good. However, if I may say so, it doesn’t sound like you’re content with the status quo.

I think you’ve done some great work in identifying your ideal situation: a sexual and emotional relationship with a woman, with the freedom to have the occasional sexual encounters with men. If you want to stay with your current partner, at least consider asking her if she would be amenable to an arrangement that meet your desires. As they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

If you and she decide to part ways, you might find some folks on your Mission whose desires match well with yours (like people in the poly community). Of course, it’s hard to negotiate your needs with a potential romantic partner, and yeah, some of them might “run screaming from the room,” as it were, but you know what? Lots of them won’t. Many of them will have their own quirks to bring to this bargaining table. Some of them will even be turned on by what you’re into. And if you’re lucky, one very special character will fit you perfectly.

Courage, friend. Check back in to let us know how your Mission goes.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.