September 17, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 26 and just starting to embrace my bisexuality. The problem is that I don’t look like a lesbian, so it’s hard to find girls who might be interested. I like to dress up and put on makeup when I go out, and I’m attracted to feminine girls. I can’t tell who is gay or bi and they can’t tell that I’m bi. Do I need to wear a hat that says “bisexual” on it? (Kidding.) I’m in a conservative part of North Carolina, which doesn’t help. In summary: how do I meet girls and still act/look like myself?

-Brownie

Oh, yes. Tiggy can relate.

The way I see it, you have four options which are, thankfully, not mutually exclusive:

1.) Online dating. Duh.

2.) Be out. If virtually everyone who knows you knows you’re bi and single, you can get pretty far with dating just friends and acquaintances, not to mention letting your peeps set you up. And hey, dating people you already know is typically the most effective method to meet quality potential partners anyway. Win-win.

3.) Frequent queer spaces. All ladies are fair game for flirting with in queer spaces regardless of where they fall on the butch/femme spectrum. Just being in the room is akin to wearing a “bisexual” hat, minus the questionable fashion therein and the resulting hat head.

Note that there’s no need to limit yourself to bars and clubs if they’re not your scene. Visit MeetUp.com to find some local LGBT groups that host activities you enjoy. Better still, you could start your own. The Boston area has an incredible group called Mad Femme Pride that you might try to emulate. Sure, the queer vibe in North Carolina is different from Massachusetts, but never assume that you’re the only person facing a particular challenge. I bet a whole gaggle of North Carolinan chicks are waiting for someone to start a group like that. Why not you?

4.) Summon your courage to hit on mainstream strangers. That’s right: the Level 10 of queer dating. You might decide to limit yourself to flirting with women who give some sort of sign that they are queer. Likewise, you may start wearing a necklace or bracelet with bi colors in order to throw the girls a flag. When you have someone in your sights, the best thing to do is to wait until she looks at you, then look away like you didn’t want her to know you were looking at her. But as you do, smile to yourself and play with your hair a little. Practice this move at home.

Lucky for you, a femme and (I presume) cisgender woman can generally risk accidentally hitting on straight ladies without physical retribution, even in conservative areas. No, you’re merely subject to potential embarrassment or a bruised ego but that’s the spice of life, amirite? Just keep reminding yourself that you can’t win if you don’t play, and that scads of magnificent women are clamoring to bewitch you if only you’d give them a chance.

 
The existential question of these modern times.

 
She has a point, Olivia.

 
Oh, God, we’re all just Bizarro Chandler, aren’t we?


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 27, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a man in my 20s who is very likely bisexual with a slight leaning towards women. From all outward perspectives, I’m a traditionally masculine man and have no issues with dating women.

The thing is, I am going to attend cosmetology school and we all know there is a stereotype about men who are hairdressers. As stupid as it is, I’m really worried that if I am bisexual, women will just assume that I’m a closeted gay guy because of the double whammy of saying I’m bisexual and being a hairdresser.

I shouldn’t care what people think, but I still want to have a fairly wide dating pool of women. Of course, I’m probably the one who sounds bigoted by asking for advice about this.

-Ryan

Is “sincere, thoughtful dude asking a question to which thousands of people want an answer” the new definition of “bigot”? Ah, semantics, you shape-shifting chameleon in army fatigues.

I recently made a new friend on OKCupid who identifies as a lesbian. She said something typically fabulous, to which I responded that she is a truly righteous bi ally. She explained that she’s more than a bi ally – that, in fact, the only reason she doesn’t date men is because her “milkshake does not bring any of the boys to the yard.” For some reason, her milkshake appears to be only of interest to girls.

We all do this to some degree; we “market” ourselves according to our strengths. I’ve said before that how you identify sexually is typically based on your crushes, fantasies, romantic history, sexual activity, politics, culture, and your view of yourself. These many ingredients make up a fairly complex and subjective reality. At the end of the day, how you choose to identify comes down to how it makes you feel about yourself.

In the simplest terms, it seems that you’re grappling with feeling like you’re lying if you identify as straight vs. missing out on the lady hook-ups if you identify as bi. (And for any Pollyannas out there saying, “You wouldn’t want to have sex with a biphobe anyway,” well, that’s easy to say when you’re not jonesin’ for it. As the Bible tells us, let he who is holding an unwanted milkshake in an empty yard cast the first stone.) But you have a lot more options than that.

Read up on how other bi guys handle this issue in Getting Bi and start following the Facebook pages for the Bisexual Resource Center and Bisexual Men. You’ll quickly see that there are an array of labels that might work for you (including “no label”) and tons of choices for who, when, and how to disclose your sexual identity. I bid you go forth and identify yourself in the most personally authentic manner that scares away the least booty.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.