August 5, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of two years just came out to me as bisexual. I’m really confused because we’ve had an excellent sex life for a year and a half. We’ve also had an excellent relationship. It’s the strongest either of us have ever been in.

When he told me of his bisexuality, I told him that I would give him a free pass to try being with a guy. I gave him a few stipulations, like that he can’t have full out sex with him and he has to tell me immediately afterwards what he was thinking and feeling — every possible thing he can think of. I also said I didn’t really want them to be friends because it would make me feel really hurt. He vehemently refused this free pass although I’ve offered it to him three times now.

He wants to marry me and isn’t interested in expressing the attraction he has to men. I don’t know what to think or do! I love him, he loves me, and we are both 100% devoted to each other, but I don’t think I’ll be completely comfortable again in our relationship until I know what he wants. He says he only wants me and no one else.

Please help. I’m falling apart over here. I’m terrified he’ll get bored and leave me because he’ll decide he likes men more. He is my first everything so I feel this incredibly deep emotional attachment to him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.

-Megan

This relaxation exercise should help: become aware of the muscles in your right pinky finger. Relax them until your pinky goes limp. Do the same with your left pinky; both are now loose and free. Repeat with your ring fingers, middle fingers, and index fingers. As you complete the exercise by slackening your thumbs and palms…

…you should be able to unclasp your hands from around your boyfriend’s throat.

Your “free pass” is not free. The price he pays is your getting to set the precise parameters for the sexual activity he is allowed to engage in and the relationship he is allowed to have with his sexual partner after their encounter (i.e. none). And, of course, he must do an exhaustive brain dump for you so that you can Thought Police him.

Your “free pass” is not a pass. It’s an order. It’s not for your boyfriend; he doesn’t want it. It’s for you, so you can convince yourself that he’s gotten it out of his system. You want him to exorcise this demon under tightly controlled conditions so that you can go forward in life without the slightest worry that he’ll ever leave you. You’re projecting your insecurities onto him and then trying to fix them by fixing him. Not only does it not work but it’s also no way to treat a fellow sentient being, much less someone you purport to love.

The bisexuality element of the situation is easy. He doesn’t feel the need to be with other men in the same way that you don’t feel the need to be with other men. Bisexuals are as capable of monogamy as anyone else. He has told you that he does not want to explore that part of his sexuality with someone else; it’s on you that you don’t believe him.

The part you’re playing here is a much larger cause for concern than bisexuality. You’re acting out of fear and ignorance*, and your controlling behavior could be a precursor for abuse. Healthy partners come to terms with the fact that life offers no guarantees and control is almost always an illusion. He may think he wants to marry you but the harsh reality is that you’re not nearly emotionally ready.

The best thing you can do right now is get to a place where you know that if you split up for any reason, you’d be OK. Really, I promise you: you would be OK. He’ll still be your first everything, you will keep a special place for him in your heart forever, but you would eventually move on with your life. I’m not saying this because I think you’re going to break up. I’m saying this because your refusal to believe that you’d survive it is starting to turn you into a monster.

*To address this: scroll up, click on “Back to the BRC website” and read.

 
Just have sex with a guy, then put on this Christopher Walken headset so I can experience your every thought and feeling about it, and we’ll never have another problem. Easy peasy.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 24, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s a two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I recently discovered that I’m bisexual. However, I live in Pakistan. Here, sexuality is hardly discussed and, in many cases, considered taboo. I want to know more about myself and my sexuality. Can you please advise me on how to do that in a safe, open way?

-Nora

Yes: read! This column from a couple years ago suggests bi magazines (print and online) and Facebook pages. Allow me to add to the list Bisexual Bloggers’ Facebook page which connects you to some excellent electronic reading material. And if you like Tumblr, you’re in luck: bisexual scholar and author of Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution Shiri Eisner created quite a rundown of bi Tumblr blogs to follow. Note that one of them is Bisexual Books, which will give you even more to read. (Although Shiri somehow left off the best Tumblr blog of all — You Might Be A Bisexual — I am willing to convict her of mere temporary insanity when she finally throws herself on the mercy of the Upland court.)

But the thing I’d most like you to read, the tome that’ll knock your bisexual socks off, is an anthology called Getting Bi edited by Robyn Ochs and Sarah Rowley. The book consists of over 200 personal essays from bisexuals on what it feels like to be one of us. The authors come from 42 different countries (!) and offer a wide range of experiences and feelings, so I have no doubt that you’ll find multiple stories that resonate with you. It is incredibly validating to read this book and feel that connection to fellow bisexuals around the world.

At some point, you’ll want to get out of the library and meet other bisexuals in person. These readings will give you tips on how others have done that, even in places like Pakistan. Until then, get to surfing and hitting the stacks!

Dear Tiggy,

I identify as a bisexual but I am not completely sure whether I am, seeing as I have only had sex with men. I messed around with women when I was younger and enjoyed it but still have yet to have sex.

I guess my question is: will I know whether I’m bi after I have sex with a woman? Or am I already?

-Bryan

P.S. I’m from Texas and, yeah, homophobia ERRVERYWHERE.

I really don’t think having sex with a woman will help you know any more than you know now. It might give you a bit more confidence, but in a “Dumbo’s feather” kind of way. And even that’s not guaranteed.

Generally speaking, having sex to prove something is a bad reason to do it. Consider the feelings of your would-be lady lover: do you think she’ll enjoy knowing that you shared a sexual experience with her solely to “qualify” as a bisexual? Probably not, eh?

Also: would that prove it? If you read the post from last bi-week, you’ll see that I disagreed with the letter writer’s predatory friend on this very idea. Wouldn’t it just make you the guy who only had sex with a woman to prove he wasn’t totally gay? And wouldn’t that fact make you seem…more gay? Additionally, I imagine you’d soon decide that this event wasn’t enough “proof” because now you’re the guy who only had sex with a woman once. Where does that slippery slope end?

Plenty of people don’t have sex with partners who are complementary to their sexuality — or do have sex with partners who aren’t — but it doesn’t change who they are. One’s sexual identity is complex and nuanced, far moreso than anything that can be determined with a simple litmus test; that’s why you’re the only one who can identify yourself.

If you want to feel like a real bisexual, I have a much better idea than a fleeting romp: read Robyn Ochs’s other anthology, Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men. You’ll find bunches of men who are just like you, as well as others who have had different experiences but consider themselves no less bi than the next bi guy. Join the rest of us on pins and needles until the book is published this September. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Take a look, it’s in a book, a reading rainbow.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 7, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a woman dating a guy who I think is bisexual. I would ask if he is but I know he would deny it. I am sure he has had sex with a man but considers himself straight. Is there a way to tell whether he is bi?

I have thought about it and doesn’t bother me if he is. I am willing to continue my relationship with him even if he is bisexual. I have had sex with another woman, so I am an open person.

He and I have been together for three years and although he has given me a ring, we don’t say we love each other very often and we hardly ever kiss with tongue. Moreover, we don’t have intercourse much; when we do, it’s doggie style. He is usually hard but not enough for intercourse, so we often have oral sex and he orgasms easily that way.

Is there some way to sexually explore whether he is bisexual without saying anything and alienating him? Are there sexual acts I can try to see how he reacts?

-Theresa

There’s no way to tell if someone is bisexual other than asking them. The sexual activity you describe doesn’t mean anything about his sexuality, and there are no sexual acts that one likes (or doesn’t), performs (or doesn’t), or receives (or doesn’t) that indicate bisexuality. For better or worse, there is no bisexual birthmark.

I wonder: why are you so eager to know? You already know how he identifies and the genders of some of the people he’s slept with, so you practically have your answer already. It sounds like you think bisexuals have to divide their sexual attraction among the genders, thereby diluting it. That’s not how it works, though; even if he is bisexual, that doesn’t have anything to do with how active your sex life is.

If you’re not satisfied with the way you share physical affection, you need to talk to him about it. I know, it’s hard. You’re afraid of scaring him off and making him feel embarrassed. You’re not sure what to say. Theresa, most of us — bisexual or otherwise — have been faced with the task of communicating about sex and have felt the same way you do. But a long term relationship is worth the effort and you might be amazed at the things you find out. What if he’s been thinking this whole time that you don’t want to kiss with tongue? What if he’s on medication that affects his erections? What if he’s been wanting to try new positions but wasn’t sure if you were up for it?

The next time you finish having sex, dive in. Ask him open-ended questions (i.e. questions that don’t have a simple yes/no answer), then tell him some of the things you think you’d like. If you frame it as a fun, physical adventure, he’s sure to want to be the Lewis to your Clark.
 
If you can’t talk to your boyfriend, at least talk to Rick Stratton. He’s begging you.
 


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.