September 16, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a high school student who came out as bisexual last year to my friends and the news has fairly progressed throughout the school since then. After I came out I had my first girlfriend a year after having my first boyfriend.

People assume I’m just lesbian and that I despise guys but that’s not true. So many people refer to me as gay that I’m starting to tell some people I’m lesbian and some I’m bi. I’ve noticed that I choose depending on how I feel about that person. I don’t know why I’m doing this but it is very conflicting to me.

I have a crush on a guy but I feel like I’m holding myself back from telling him because if something were to happen between us, there would be too many questions about my sexuality and too much drama. What doesn’t help is that everyone tells my ex-boyfriend that he “turned me gay,” not to mention the fact that we are all in one sports team. Help?

-Steph

Being on a team is drama. Basic sociology dictates that humans in a group are going to date each other and break up, and observing teammates have to more or less roll with it. And sports are nothing — you should see what it’s like being in a theatre production. It’s called Drama Club for a reason. Anyway, the truth is that if folks are talking about you, that means they find you intriguing. There are worse things than being popular, sweet Steph. It does stink to get bad PR, though.

Since you’re the one who has the interesting business that everyone else wants to be all up in, you ought to revel in said business. Specifically, focus on this guy you’re after and let the Greek chorus that’s following you fade to background noise. Every time you find yourself getting caught up in the peer analysis of your romantic life: stop, recognize it, and redirect that energy toward the dude. You only have so many hours in the day to care about stuff. Prioritizing your energy is vital.

Let me get a little Wizard of Oz on you for a sec: I believe that you’ve always had the brain, heart, and nerve to address those who are curious about your love life. However, instead of giving you a diploma, a medal, or a watch (which was sort of random…?), I want to give you a phrase: “I’m 100% bisexual.”

The word “hapa” was at one time a slur against people who are part Asian/Pacific Islander and part (an)other race(s), as it comes from the Hawaiian word for “half.” But then a beautiful thing happened: mixed race Asians reclaimed the word and connoted it for the positive. I smile when I see “100% Hapa” bumper stickers, knowing it’s a point of pride. (Can you imagine how rad it is to be a hapa bisexual? That’s 200% hapa in a single person!)

So we’re taking a page out of the hapa book for you today. When someone asks you about your sexuality, just say, “I’m 100% bisexual.” It’s pithy, it’s ironic, it’s self-confident, it says all you need to say. Don Draper would love it. If your curious friend mentions that they heard you identify as a lesbian some days ago, you don’t need to get into your experimentation in advertising yourself to different markets; just say, “I figured it out.” You weren’t lying before (or now) and your sexuality didn’t change, you figured it out. Any further questions can be answered with, “Now, now. A girl has to have some secrets,” and a change of subject to your inquisitor’s love life.

Oh, and the next comment about your ex turning you gay should be met with an eye roll and a muttered, “That joke is so old.” If the person saying it is trying to humiliate your ex in front of the rest of the team, go full throttle and state firmly, “Stop saying that. It’s not true and it’s not funny.” If you can, you should privately say to your ex at some point that no matter what has or will happen since you two were together, nothing is going to change the fact that you liked him. Anyone can say whatever they want because what matters is that you and he know it was real.

But enough about him…go get that new guy.

This movie was about 100% better than the trailer made it look.
P.S. Check the poster’s handle. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 27, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a man in my 20s who is very likely bisexual with a slight leaning towards women. From all outward perspectives, I’m a traditionally masculine man and have no issues with dating women.

The thing is, I am going to attend cosmetology school and we all know there is a stereotype about men who are hairdressers. As stupid as it is, I’m really worried that if I am bisexual, women will just assume that I’m a closeted gay guy because of the double whammy of saying I’m bisexual and being a hairdresser.

I shouldn’t care what people think, but I still want to have a fairly wide dating pool of women. Of course, I’m probably the one who sounds bigoted by asking for advice about this.

-Ryan

Is “sincere, thoughtful dude asking a question to which thousands of people want an answer” the new definition of “bigot”? Ah, semantics, you shape-shifting chameleon in army fatigues.

I recently made a new friend on OKCupid who identifies as a lesbian. She said something typically fabulous, to which I responded that she is a truly righteous bi ally. She explained that she’s more than a bi ally – that, in fact, the only reason she doesn’t date men is because her “milkshake does not bring any of the boys to the yard.” For some reason, her milkshake appears to be only of interest to girls.

We all do this to some degree; we “market” ourselves according to our strengths. I’ve said before that how you identify sexually is typically based on your crushes, fantasies, romantic history, sexual activity, politics, culture, and your view of yourself. These many ingredients make up a fairly complex and subjective reality. At the end of the day, how you choose to identify comes down to how it makes you feel about yourself.

In the simplest terms, it seems that you’re grappling with feeling like you’re lying if you identify as straight vs. missing out on the lady hook-ups if you identify as bi. (And for any Pollyannas out there saying, “You wouldn’t want to have sex with a biphobe anyway,” well, that’s easy to say when you’re not jonesin’ for it. As the Bible tells us, let he who is holding an unwanted milkshake in an empty yard cast the first stone.) But you have a lot more options than that.

Read up on how other bi guys handle this issue in Getting Bi and start following the Facebook pages for the Bisexual Resource Center and Bisexual Men. You’ll quickly see that there are an array of labels that might work for you (including “no label”) and tons of choices for who, when, and how to disclose your sexual identity. I bid you go forth and identify yourself in the most personally authentic manner that scares away the least booty.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.