self-awareness – Tiggy Upland

Dear Tiggy,

In the dating scene, I encounter a lot of folks who identify as “genderqueer” and reject the label “bisexual.” But I thought bisexuality and gender identity, though related, are definitely not one and the same. Why do queer folks feel the need to put down bisexuality like it’s The Plague?

-Daniel

You’re correct that they are two very different things. “Genderqueer” is a gender identifier in which a person identifies with neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders. “Bisexual” is a sexuality identifier in which a person is attracted to genders similar and dissimilar to their own. I imagine that the daters you’ve run into are unaware that the jury is not still out on whether the word “bisexual” is binary. It isn’t. I addressed the whole issue over the summer; check it out and definitely click on the links. Not sure how your pals missed it but you might want to also let them know that there’s a new Pope, a British royal baby, a civil war in Syria…lemme know if they’ve been living under that rock since before 2013 and I’ll send more updates.

I’d like to focus on your excellent question but in a broader sense: why are we fighting ourselves? It’s strange to me that queers with any sense of minority politics or self-awareness know that putting others down is an ineffective and childish way to legitimize our own identities, and yet we’re still doing it. We know it’s a tool of the majority to turn us against each other, and yet: stiiiill doin’ it. We know that a more powerful faction within our larger group bullied us in the same manner not ten minutes ago, and it wasn’t fair when we were on the wrong end of it, but…YEP, still gon’ do it.

Lately, I look around and think, Why are we telling our allies to shut the hell up? (Pro tip: if you feel like someone needs to hear this message with this level of vitriol, they are not your ally.) If someone is making an effort to understand us, why aren’t we trying harder to meet them where they’re at? Why do we still find it so hard to accept and provide for our people with an intersection of identities? Why are our leaders falling into the same ego-driven power plays, to the detriment of our movement, as so many before them?

Inclusion: this is what we need to strive for in 2014. Let’s lead by example, challenge ourselves to choose compassion over ranting whenever possible, and widen our circle of inclusion to encompass the greatest swath of people who we consider to be “us.” To go full-on Buddha, let’s accept that we are all one inter-being. If we can move even one step closer to this goal by this time next year, that will be 12 months well spent.

And with that, happy holidays, Wild Deuces! See you on the other side. Until then, read this.