June 12, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 15 years old and just started to fully accept that I’m bi within the past year. All of my friends know and pretty much the whole school knows, too. I have faced some bullying but was always able to brush it off, say something witty, make them look stupid, and leave them babbling as they ran away in defeat.

Right now, I have a girlfriend and even though it’s only been a month, I love her very much. For our one-month anniversary, I thought it would be a nice surprise if I told my mom about is. My mom had asked me once or twice if I was a lesbian but I never wanted to tell her anything for fear that she wouldn’t accept me.

Because I couldn’t talk to her face-to-face, I wrote her a long letter explaining everything. Even though she replied that it is OK if I’m not straight, she basically told me that she does not accept my lifestyle, that I have no clue what I’m even saying, and that I’m just setting myself up for bad things in the future. I told her that I know what I’m getting into but she just tells me over and over that I have no clue.

I feel like she hates me and I keep beating myself up over it because it was stupid of me to tell her anything. But what happened happened, and there is no going back. Now I’m trying to find things to help her understand who I am. Are there any websites or anything that you could please give me to make it easier to explain to her? I could use a lot of help right now.

-Kitty

I’m sorry that your coming out to your mom didn’t go so well. But I’m ordering you to stop beating yourself up and start patting yourself on the back. You totally came out! You’ve successfully deflected bullying! You have a girlfriend who you love! You’re doing great!

And while I don’t know you or your mom, please trust me on this because I’m 100% sure: your mom does not hate you. She’s worried about you and she wants to protect you. You’re smart to want to give her resources because it sounds like she’s not sure how to wrap her head around all this.

Ask her to read this letter. It’s from a father of five specifically to parents whose child has just come out as bi. There’s lots of good info in there. Suggest to her that she surf around the rest of the Bisexual Resource Center’s website, too, for more ideas and thoughts on bisexuality in general.

Then, show her the website for PFLAG –- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Don’t let the name throw you; this preeminent support organization for parents and friends of queer people is bi-friendly. Not only does PFLAG offer excellent information, but it also provides peer-led support groups all over the country. When she’s ready, help your mom find the local PFLAG chapter and encourage her to attend. She’ll meet other parents like her who have gone through a child coming out to them. They can relate to her and guide her through this process.

Keep your head up, Kitty. It was a sweet idea for an anniversary present, and maybe it didn’t go over like a tickertape parade but you’re on the right track. It’s clear that your mother loves you and wants the best for you. Give her some resources and a little time to adjust. I have a good feeling about this.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 1, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m being bullied for my sexuality, but it’s tricky: I’m a bisexual 14-year-old in northeast Louisiana. Recently, I came out to a friend who I trusted, but they told the entire school. Now that everyone knows I’m bi, I’ve been picked on for acting feminine. I’ve also been called things such as “faggot” and “whore” in front of teachers, who all turn their heads as the kids continue to bully me.

I would try to tell a counselor but my school is a predominantly Christian, homo/biphobic place. Not one adult there supports the LGBT community. Though I’m a larger, more muscular type of person, I’m very mellow, so I am trying not to let them instigate a fight. However, some students have tried to start fights and have threatened me.

What do I do?

—Special K

There are two major things to know:

You are not alone.

In December, a 17-year-old girl in Massachusetts was beaten up for being bi. The BRC made this video for her, and for all of the bullied bi kids out there. You can use the resources we talk about in the video to answer the questions you might have about being bi and to connect with our community. There are hundreds of thousands of us; in fact, bisexuals are the biggest group in the queer community. We’re here for you, Special K.

And you’re not alone as a bullied teen, either. Watch David Aponte’s video where he talks about being picked on for stupid reasons and then having adults at his school react inappropriately. Sound familiar? This happened and still happens to so many of us. The good news is that a confluence of events – including the many “It Gets Better” videos on YouTube, which you should also watch – has brought the issue of bullying to the forefront in this country and it’s not acceptable for adults to ignore it anymore. Which brings us to the second point…

You cannot go through this alone.

You have to tell your parents.

Hold up – you don’t have to come out to them. You just need to tell them that you’re being bullied. Tell them that random kids are calling you names and trying to get you to fight them. If they ask why kids are calling you “faggot” or saying that you act feminine, you can say: 1.) you don’t know, 2.) they’re jerks, 3.) they don’t even know what they’re talking about, or 4.) all of the above. Your parents already know that kids act like this, and that’s why they probably won’t even ask anyway.

I’m really hoping that your school is public because there are certain government standards by which they must abide. This law in Louisiana requires “local school boards to adopt policies prohibiting harassment, intimidation and bullying by students and protecting students and employees who report such incidents.” Your parents can bring this up at a school committee meeting or in a private meeting with your principal. I know it’s beyond embarrassing to have people at school know that your parents are sticking up for you, but they probably won’t know at all. It’s not like your parents are calling other kids’ parents.

In short, they need to bring this to the school’s attention and politely point out that the administration is required by law to do something. The school might then create a student-led anti-bullying group, show the movie “Bully” to the students and faculty, or hold some other awareness-raising program. Trust me, they’ll do something. They can be as backward as they want but let me tell you, there’s not a school in America that wants angry parents, bad press, or questions from government funders about whether they’re following the law. And once your school puts a focus on anti-bullying, the teachers will stop pretending that they don’t see it happening.

Here are some fantastic resources that your parents might be interested in: http://www.stopbullyinglouisiana.org/resources. Please tell them today, and let me know how it goes.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.