October 1, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m at uni* and only just got into queer culture, so there’s a lot of catching up to do. I was brought up to never treat anyone any way because of their sex and to let people make their own decisions.

My problem is that I always thought that the point was to eliminate gender roles entirely, and yet for a lot of people it’s clearly very important to claim a different one than what was assumed at birth. Additionally, I don’t want any gender role or to be labeled with one.

How can I continue to fight for lack of gender discrimination and roles whilst being respectful of others’ decisions and identities? I’m not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act, it’s just meaningless to me. I’m aware that I’m treading a thin line and would like some advice on how to discuss these notions without being insensitive.

-N

You’re on to the vital notion that when it comes to identity, self-determination is the key. You’ve mastered the act of “not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act” but understand that your decisions for yourself — like not “want[ing] a gender role or to be labeled with one” — are just as worthy of respect. Take heart, N: you’re closer to coming to grips with all this than you think.

So let’s separate the idea of gender from gender roles. In my opinion, the latter is something assigned to you by society, an imposing monolith that is neither objective nor even self-aware. Society creates classes and runs its agenda on everyone by assigning each one as “better” or “worse” than another. It eliminates your right to self-determine, and that’s what’s wrong.

Many minority movements have sects who argue their people are no different in literally any manner from those in power. It’s a defensive strategy in response to the majority’s insistence on interpreting minority differences as “worse.” From what I’ve seen, this is a sisyphean approach to social justice. The hegemony will always find methods and reasons to make others seem different in bad way.

Better, I think, to embrace the ways in which your people are culturally different from the norm and know that it’s OK. No, you know what? It’s better than OK: it’s something to celebrate. This is what BUST Magazine, for example, is trying to do with women’s culture.

Roles aside, gender is something intrinsically felt. When I say that I know I’m a woman, it’s not because I like to wear make-up or whatever other behavior society is trying to pin on me. It’s something I feel inside. It’s part of my core essence. If being genderless feels comfortable to you, go with that because it’s your right as an autonomous person. Keep respecting the same right for others, and know that everyone doesn’t need to be the same to deserve to be treated the same.

*Short for “university.” Come on, Americans, keep up.

 
I’m hoping we’ve all moved beyond this.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 14, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve only come out as bisexual to a friend who I live near and see every day, and to some friends I made on a trip, so I’m still not really out. Recently, I had a huge ordeal: I asked a girl I really like to a school dance but I’ve found that I have a crush on another guy. How do I juggle the emotions I feel for my crushes of different genders?

Furthermore, I’m worried for my future. Can someone have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time? How do I choose which gender I want to be with in a serious relationship?

-Frank

Dealing with crushing on different genders is essentially the same as doing so when all of your crushes are the same gender. For now, just enjoy it. Go to the dance with the girl and decide afterward whether you want to pursue something with her, the guy, a new crush, or none of the above. Feelings around love and sex might be a bit overwhelming but it’s really nothing to panic about.

Yes, a person can have more than one boy/girlfriend at the same time, regardless of gender; it’s called “polyamory.” To be perfectly polyamorous instead of a chump-style cheater (or something similarly unhealthy), be sure to follow the four tenets that Loving More proscribes: honesty and clear agreements among partners, mutual goodwill and respect among all involved, intense interpersonal communication, and high ethical standards. That said, it’s often difficult for high schoolers to find others interested in dating non-monogamously. You may have to bide your time until after graduation to find poly-dating peers.

(Hey, as long as we’re on the subject, this would be a good time to make sure you understand the difference between polyamory and bisexuality. Take a minute to check out the second paragraph of my answer here.)

As for your last question, don’t choose a gender to be with; choose a person. The cool thing about bisexuality is that you don’t have to limit your love by gender! Follow your crushes and see where they take you.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 21, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Why do you think there is so much biphobia in the LGT community and what can be done about it?

—Kim


Geez. Anything else you wanna know, like the meaning of life or whether God exists? No? Alright, then, let’s take this one on.

It’s an unfortunate reality that vulnerable communities sometimes tear down other vulnerable communities to make themselves feel superior. It’s that adage of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours burn brighter — which, of course, doesn’t work. The mindset is: “Well, maybe I’m [minority], but at least I’m not [other minority],” and to confirm that notion, folks proceed to denigrate and abuse the other group.

But people who engage in this dynamic are not just trying to convince themselves of their superiority. Some of the most socially powerful within a minority group believe that they could be accepted by the majority as one of their own. In this case, we’re talking about gay men (who are probably also white, able-bodied, cisgender [people whose gender assigned at birth matches their body and personal identity], etc.) who think that they’re this close to being fully accepted by the straight community. They figure that they’ll be hanging with the cool kids as soon as they make it clear that they’re not like those losers, the bisexuals.

My public service announcement for any minorities currently entertaining this notion is as follows: The cool kids are never going to fully accept you.

I should note here that it’s not really fair to lump the Ts in with the Ls and Gs in this case. Many transgender people are bisexual, and our two communities generally get along like peas and carrots. More importantly, the trans community does not have the power to oppress bisexuals because we’re equally downtrodden, thank you very little. They are under no illusion that the mainstream will accept them as equals any time soon.

So, what can be done? The solution is to band together and insist on visibility. The San Francisco Human Rights Committee’s 2011 report tells us that “self-identified bisexuals make up the largest single population within the LGBT community in the United States.” The fact is, once our numbers are felt, there won’t be any denying us. And yet, so many people still won’t publicly identify as bi because, as actress Cynthia Nixon stated, “nobody likes the bisexuals…we get no respect.”

As Kathleen O’Neal thoughtfully opined on the BRC Facebook page, we need to create a space where bisexuals can actually identify as such without enduring hatred, particularly from the rest of the queer community. That starts with each and every bi person understanding that ze* is not alone. Bisexuals have conferences, books, blogs, social groups, activist groups, and regular events in every major city. We are everywhere and we are connected. First and foremost, we need to cultivate those bi community connections, battle our internalized biphobia, and be visible.

*gender neutral pronoun

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.