January 22, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My son-in-law has just disclosed he is a crossdresser and may be bisexual. My daughter would like to have resources to a cope with this as a spouse and support him as he sorts this out for himself. They are in the military in Hawaii.

-Douglass

What great timing, Douglass — the latest Boston Bisexual Women’s Network newsletter addresses this exact issue. The theme of BBWN’s Winter 2013 newsletter is “Mixed Marriages,” which includes mixed orientation marriages, such as one between a bisexual person and a heterosexual person. Turn to page seven and you’ll find terrific resources provided by therapist Betty Schleyer, Ph.D. These include the groups Alternate Path, Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (MMOMW), HUGS Couples, and Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriages (MMOM), as well as research showing that “stable, satisfactory mixed orientation marriages are possible.”

One caveat: having a spouse who comes out as gay or lesbian is a markedly different experience than one who comes out as bisexual. As your daughter and her husband search for compassionate support, I hope they know that if they receive feedback that makes them feel uncomfortable or judged, or simply doesn’t fit their reality, they should trust themselves and look elsewhere.

Meanwhile, I’m having a devil of a time finding resources for bisexuals and allies specifically in Hawaii. Your daughter and son-in-law might want to see what support is provided by OutServe, the military’s new association of active LGBT personnel. (Never thought we’d see the day, eh?) Furthermore, if they’re open to visiting a Unitarian Universalist church — which would not require them to give up any theism that they currently have — there’s one in Honolulu. UU churches have long been a safe space for LGBT people and this one in particular has a couple of conversation groups that may interest them.

And remember, a lack of local assistance is no obstacle in the Internet Age. The BRC has terrific brochures on our website, including one with a list of books on bisexuality and another on how to support the bisexuals in your life. As for crossdressing, please give your daughter this list of the Top 11 Misconceptions About Crossdressers to ease her mind. She’ll find support and information specifically geared toward wives and girlfriends of crossdressers – also known as transvestites – at A Crossdresser’s Secret Garden and Tri-Ess (Support, Serenity, Service).

Good luck to your family, Douglass, and I’ll put a call out to the bi community to send reinforcements to our beloved 50th state.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 2, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

This may seem like an obvious question, but I’m wondering how to come out as bisexual. There’s a lot of info about coming out as gay, which is great, but nothing seems to be aimed specifically at bisexuals.

-Lisa

Not obvious in the least, my Deuce! You’ve hit upon a real need in our community: a guide to coming out geared toward the unique obstacles that bisexuals face in the process. How could our fabulous fellow non-monos* have failed to create such a guide by now? I think you may have just sparked the brilliant idea that gets this bi ball rolling…

For now, there are a few resources that, while perhaps not perfect for this task, should be edifying, on-point reads. Start with a recent article in the Huffington Post from BiNet USA’s President, Faith Cheltenham. She shines an entertaining light on the stages many of us experience while coming to terms with our bisexuality in a world that’s not quite ready to embrace us. Next, jump on over to the BRC’s “Coming Out as Bi” webpage. It addresses what it means for a bisexual person to come out and the variety of options one has in doing so. You might also want to look at Chapter Two of Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World to see personal essays on how other bis have dealt with this. Finally, as Faith recommends in her article, pick up a copy of The Bisexual’s Guide to the Universe by Nicole Krystal and Mike Szymanski. Aside from offering more information than Bill Nye doing the backstroke in a pool of Trivial Pursuit cards, it’s fun. It reminds you that there are millions of us bisexuals, and we’re all connected.

Much luck on your journey, Lisa. When the BRC creates the definitive how-to on coming out as bi, you’ll be the first to know!

*Non-monos: Non-monosexuals, otherwise known as bisexuals. Monosexuals are those who are only attracted to one sex or gender.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 12, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 15 years old and just started to fully accept that I’m bi within the past year. All of my friends know and pretty much the whole school knows, too. I have faced some bullying but was always able to brush it off, say something witty, make them look stupid, and leave them babbling as they ran away in defeat.

Right now, I have a girlfriend and even though it’s only been a month, I love her very much. For our one-month anniversary, I thought it would be a nice surprise if I told my mom about is. My mom had asked me once or twice if I was a lesbian but I never wanted to tell her anything for fear that she wouldn’t accept me.

Because I couldn’t talk to her face-to-face, I wrote her a long letter explaining everything. Even though she replied that it is OK if I’m not straight, she basically told me that she does not accept my lifestyle, that I have no clue what I’m even saying, and that I’m just setting myself up for bad things in the future. I told her that I know what I’m getting into but she just tells me over and over that I have no clue.

I feel like she hates me and I keep beating myself up over it because it was stupid of me to tell her anything. But what happened happened, and there is no going back. Now I’m trying to find things to help her understand who I am. Are there any websites or anything that you could please give me to make it easier to explain to her? I could use a lot of help right now.

-Kitty

I’m sorry that your coming out to your mom didn’t go so well. But I’m ordering you to stop beating yourself up and start patting yourself on the back. You totally came out! You’ve successfully deflected bullying! You have a girlfriend who you love! You’re doing great!

And while I don’t know you or your mom, please trust me on this because I’m 100% sure: your mom does not hate you. She’s worried about you and she wants to protect you. You’re smart to want to give her resources because it sounds like she’s not sure how to wrap her head around all this.

Ask her to read this letter. It’s from a father of five specifically to parents whose child has just come out as bi. There’s lots of good info in there. Suggest to her that she surf around the rest of the Bisexual Resource Center’s website, too, for more ideas and thoughts on bisexuality in general.

Then, show her the website for PFLAG –- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Don’t let the name throw you; this preeminent support organization for parents and friends of queer people is bi-friendly. Not only does PFLAG offer excellent information, but it also provides peer-led support groups all over the country. When she’s ready, help your mom find the local PFLAG chapter and encourage her to attend. She’ll meet other parents like her who have gone through a child coming out to them. They can relate to her and guide her through this process.

Keep your head up, Kitty. It was a sweet idea for an anniversary present, and maybe it didn’t go over like a tickertape parade but you’re on the right track. It’s clear that your mother loves you and wants the best for you. Give her some resources and a little time to adjust. I have a good feeling about this.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.