religion

Three letters are the charm — and the norm — today in “Ask Tiggy.”

Dear Tiggy,

As a bisexual, is it normal to be attracted to one gender more than another?

-Kaitlyn

Yes, this is normal. Also, being equally attracted to two or more genders is normal. For both of these things, there’s nothing weird about it, there’s nothing wrong with it, you are one of manymanymany humans who feel this way, and neither makes you less bisexual.

Dear Tiggy,

I see myself as a bisexual or pansexual girl. My friend and I were discussing what type of guy looks hottest shirtless. She said she liked the lean type with not too much muscle. Meanwhile, I just couldn’t think of any type I liked most. They all are just shirtless to me; I can’t see anything else and I don’t have a preference.

When it comes to girls, I feel I can be more specific with what I like. Why am I so indifferent to shirtless guys? Is this normal?

-Aleksandra

Yes, this is normal. Your personal trigger-point toward men might be their other parts, physical and otherwise. But your friend is normal, too. Whether or not you are turned on by shirtless men in general is not a litmus test for bisexuality or female heterosexuality.

Attraction is complex: it involves physical, emotional, and behavioral catalysts, and it might change according to your experiences and/or your biology. It all fits under the “normal” tarp. Analyzing it to the hilt will drive you mad, though.

Dear Tiggy,

Is it normal to have attraction to both genders?
If I do have attraction to both genders, does that make God angry?
Is there any religion that allows such a thing?
Are there other people like this, or is it something abnormal that only a few people experience?

I am totally lost. Our society thinks that those who are attracted to their own gender are sick people who should die.

-Bees

Yes, it is normal.

I solemnly, absolutely, positively, 100% guarantee you that it does NOT make God angry.

Yes, there are religions that accept people like us: Metropolitan Community Church, Unitarian Universalists, Quakers, Wiccans, Reform Jews, United Church of Christ, New Age, Reconstructionist Jews, Episcopalians (American Anglicans), Old Catholic Church, Community of Christ (USA, Canada, and Australia), Lutherans, Moravians’ Presbytarians, United Church of Canada, Uniting Church of Australia, United Reform Church of Great Britain, Unity School of Christianity, and Swedenborgian. Buddhists and Hindus vary.

There are many other people all over the world who experience attraction to more than one gender. The bisexual community exists everywhere and we interact with each other regularly in friendship and love.

Bees, please read all of my previous columns. I mean it, read them all. If there are weblinks, click on them. Where they refer you to the Bisexual Resource Center (BRC) website, go there. These are the first, safest steps you can take to grasp a lifeline from the bisexual community. We’re here for you and we know that you are not a sick person. What you’re feeling is not bad, you should not die for it, and God still loves you. I hope as you read my columns you can move toward connecting with the bisexual community in person.

Now, you too can embrace that coveted status, NORMAL, through the most middle-of-the-road trend to hit the middle of the fashion runway: normcore! Let’s all look the part!

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a closeted, mature, bisexual man (in my 40s) who happened to meet another closeted, mature, bisexual man. We get along well and care for one another. I think I may be falling in love with him, which scares me.

Since we are both new at this, we’re still finding out things about being bisexual. We have been intimate, kissed and held one another passionately, and enjoyed ourselves. We do lots of things together including going out to dinners and movies. When we’re in the car, I will reach out and kiss him sometimes but I’ve noticed that he’s a bit reluctant to kiss back, sometimes even if we’re alone at home. He always kisses me back but he seems a little uncomfortable with it. I asked him and he said “I’m not used to kissing another guy.” I replied, “I’m not either but I enjoy kissing you.”

He says he’s still getting used to this other part of himself. As for his family, he was brought up by a verbally and physically abusive father and barely shakes hands with his brothers when he sees them after a long period. He’s never been married and is in his 40s, and is a conservative religious guy with preconceived ideas about people of different sexual orientations. He says to me, “It feels so right when I’m with you but I’m still uncomfortable about kissing another guy.”

I hate this…why would I fall for an emotionally unavailable guy? Should I just break this up before I get myself in trouble? I think I love him.

-Brook

The poor guy is suffering from a terrible case of internalized biphobia. I believe most queer people have internalized our society’s LGBT antipathy to some degree but this appears to be a tough case with possible aggravating factors including his political, religious, and family influences.

You sound like a caring, sympathetic, all-around sweet person; he’s lucky to have you. I suggest you find either a group for or a therapist who specializes in men addressing sexuality issues. You likely won’t find bi-specific help (which is a bit worrisome because others might try to convince you/him that you’re not really bi but gay) but I actually think it might be more important to find one that suits your ages and perhaps his religion.

I think you should find this therapist or group and go once before bringing it up with him. Explain to him that you’re going because you don’t want to feel conflicted around him anymore and that you just want to be happy. Tell him that you’d feel better if he went with you, but then give him a bit of time to decide whether he will or not. I believe setting it up like this is your best chance of getting him the emotional help he needs.

If he refuses to accompany you at first, go alone. Although this exercise is mostly for him, you could use a little sorting out, too, right? Perhaps you could focus on your reasons for being closeted, or on why you have fallen for someone emotionally unavailable. (The question alone shows your keen introspection. Unfortunately, the answer is so complex that I could never deduce it from just a letter.)

Don’t give up on him yet, Brook. You might love this guy. I think that trying to overcome some of your internalized biphobia together might be a watershed moment for this beautiful relationship.

This one goes out to Brook’s guy. Don’t let the haters get into your head.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 2, 2014

October 15, 2013