October 14, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Having come out to myself, my wife of 31 years, and the world in the past year, I’m having the hardest time meeting older, bisexual men who understand my efforts to create a new phase of our marriage rather than divorce and pretend to be gay.

Where/how can I meet older, bisexual men? I live in a gay-friendly East Coast city. I joined local GAMMA support groups, MeetUps, and volunteer at a LGBTQ community center. These efforts create no friendships. I find hookups online, but they don’t lead to friends or relationships.

-Peter

Peter, I am not a man nor am I in my 50s, as you presumably are. As such, I didn’t want to address your dilemma without consulting a few bi friends with experience in these demographics. Here’s what my friend, Slick Boot, had to say:

“It does suck that that’s the reality for older single or unpartnered bi guys. But that reality has probably more to do with being male than being bi. And being male, unfortunately, more often than not, means that what is sought is primarily physical attraction, which mostly means youth, good looks and sexual stamina. You see, the main reason bi guys over 35 don’t band together is that they’re still looking to hook up with those bi guys in their 20s. Believe me, I’m not judging them as a group, mainly because I’m as guilty as any other older bi guy. We really have no one but ourselves to blame for our predicament.”

Ugh, self-defeating behavior is so frustrating. I spent a fair amount of time in a city where all of the queer women complained that only butches date femmes and vice versa…and then proceed to play into that exact system. Similarly, while I believe there is a critical mass of queer men looking for an emotional connection, they lament that other queer men aren’t…and then proceed to only seek out and respond to sex. And let’s not even get started about how we’ve all been utterly brainwashed by the ever-pounding surf of media that young = attractive and old (35+) = revolting.

This news seems like a total buzzkill but I value Slick Boot’s honest appraisal of the problems and I hope you at least find it validating. When I dug a little further with him on how he connected to guys like himself, he revealed that he did so through the fetish community. A-ha — so you can meet bi guys through other alternative sexuality fellowships! One such fellowship that I’d recommend to you, Peter, is the poly(amorous) community. They tend to be accepting of bisexuals and they won’t bat an eye at your having a primary partner. Take a look at LoveMore.com, Polyamory.org, and FetLife.com. (OK, that last one’s primarily a fetish site, but it actually has poly connections even for people who aren’t kinky.)

Another friend, Wayne Bryant, author of the excellent book Bisexual Characters in Film, says this: “Peter, the best way to meet bisexual men is through bisexual-specific events. Since you didn’t mention any in your note, there probably aren’t any in your city or you would be attending. Therefore: start one. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. Start with something simple and non-intimidating, like a brunch or dinner for bisexual men. You can post it at the LGBTQ center where you volunteer, on MeetUp.com, and on Craigslist. Nearly all of my bi male friends have come as the result of organizing community events like these. If you get something going on a monthly basis, get in touch with groups in other cities and have them link to your events, so that people looking around the web will be able to connect and participate.”

Now that’s some serious wisdom, not unlike what my pal, Dr. X, said about creating a sex club. Maybe you don’t feel that you’re the organizer type, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. I’d add these tips to what Wayne said:

  • If hosting a brunch at restaurant or a potluck meal at your house is not your jam, how about having a card game? It provides an activity that busies your hands but still leaves room to talk when you want. Bonus: if you have it at your home, it provides an easy way to come out as married.

  • You might advertise on bulletin boards in your city’s queer male neighborhood (assuming it has one) and the local LGBTQ newspaper (again, if there is one). I find that vintage queer dudes often prefer to kick it Luddite-style with paper announcements.

  • In your flyers/online announcement, I’d specify that you’re inviting gay and bi men in their 40s and up. Target the people you want to create the community you envision.

One more thing: in years long past, I tried many of the same stuff you have to meet more people but, like you, had trouble making lasting connections. My mistake was doing different activities in different places with different people every time I ventured out. I learned that in order to make friends, you have to become a regular. Folks need to become accustomed to your face. If you see the same people at least every week or two, whether it’s at a GAMMA meeting or the local hardware shop, you’ll start to bond. And don’t be afraid to say, “I’m going for a beer/coffee at Schmoe’s. Anyone want to come with?” as a group of you gets off a volunteer shift. These little tweaks to your social repertoire should yield better results.

Another perk of having card games is impressing everyone with your cardistry skillz.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 25, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a girl and I love my best friend…a lot. Guess what the problem is? She’s asexual and, therefore, has no interest in men or women. I’ve told her about my gigantic crush on her. She says she doesn’t mind, but I do.

I hate how much I love her (or at least think I do). What should I do?

-Alex

There’s hope yet, Alex. Have a look at this excellent website on asexuality called AVEN: Asexual Visibility & Education Network. It’s a terrific resource in a world where asexuals are extremely misunderstood and ignored. (Note to asexuals: as fellow minorities-within-the-sexual-minority, bisexuals totally feel your pain. Much love to you for sure.)

You’ll see on this site that asexuals do not experience sexual attraction but they can certainly be emotionally and otherwise attracted to people. From the site: “[Some] asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.” Furthermore: “Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.”

Do you know what this means? It means you still have a shot!

Okay, okay, okay, hang on. There are still a bunch of questions to answer. In order:
1.) Is she interested in having an emotional partnership with another person?
2.) Does she consider herself bisexual, lesbian, or straight? (Yes, Virginia, there are bisexual asexuals.)
3.) Are you interested in having a romantic relationship with someone who does not want to have sex? Remember, she might be open to discussing various relationship options, like polyamory.

And if the answers look good thus far, there’s only one more question:
4.) Does she like you that way?

Alex, I feel like you’re the protagonist in a video game who we’re all hoping will win. I’m sure you’d be up for battling villains and performing acrobatic feats but your mission can only be completed through communication, patience, honesty, and vulnerability. (Yeah, I know, you’d rather fight a dragon with fireballs. We’d all rather fight a dragon with fireballs.) Really listen to her describe her feelings and experience. I hope in the end, you two are a match made in the queerest of heavens.

P.S. Be sure to read the Huffington Post’s series on asexuality all this week.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 29, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I don’t fancy any men, but I admit to, on the odd times, going to gay bars when traveling. I also, once in a while, go to gay/bisexual saunas where I give some men hand jobs. I just like both the look and feel of a man’s private parts. I know I fancy the females…am I bi or what?

-U.K. Stevie

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 33-year-old male and I have been married to my wife for about seven years. Unfortunately, I haven’t been faithful throughout the course of our marriage. Perhaps the lack of fidelity is my only real issue and everything else is just moot.

I am extremely attracted to and aroused by my wife, and yet I still have urges to be with men. My wife knows that I had a short sexual relationship with a man before we got married, but I’ve always told her that I was just lonely and being sexually adventurous at the time.

Although I find myself aroused by the male body and genitals, I’m still not sure that I’m really bisexual. I have issues with kissing men, for instance. I’m just not interested in that kind of intimacy with another guy.

I would never leave my wife, but I don’t think I would ever be interested in or capable of a loving relationship with another male. I don’t want to snuggle with another guy or show any signs of affection. I want to have more sex with my wife, and I usually start having desires for men when I haven’t had sex with her in a long time (i.e. a week or so). Am I bisexual or just overly sexual?

-FunTonight69@…

Dear Tiggy,

At school recently, I’ve had a crush on this girl (I’m a guy). With girls, I think about relationships. There is also this guy at school who I think is hotter than everyone, but with him I just want to get on to the you-know-what part instead of the relationship part. The weird thing is, I think the guy is way hotter and sexier than the girl. Am I gay, straight, bi, or just bi-curious?

-Frustrated

Folks, for once and for all: I cannot tell you what your sexuality label is. I’m sure it would be a lot easier for some of you if Tiggy were some sort of sexuality slot machine but she isn’t. The only person who can identify your sexuality is you.

Your sexuality label is a socially-constructed concept, not unlike race. (Repeat: your sexuality label, not your sexuality.) For a better understanding of the implications of this, please read this terrific article from the Fall 2011 issue of Good Magazine. In it, the author describes what race — or “ethnic background label,” if you will — he would be in different places and times. It’s funny to think that you’d be considered a different race depending on where and when you existed, but it’s true. Sexuality labels work similarly; perhaps you’ve even heard someone say, “If I were younger, I think I would identify as bisexual.” Figuring out which label works for you can be particularly complicated for those of us who are “mixed.”

Check out this advice that I gave to someone trying to find her own label. For you three in particular, you might consider identifying as “heteroromantic bisexuals.” That means that you’re interested in romantic relationships with the opposite sex but are open to sexual relationships with all sexes.

P.S. FunTonight69@…, your third sentence? Probably. And a first step in turning over a new leaf might be to stop using FunTonight69 as your handle.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 23, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Wild Deuces,

It occurs to Tiggy that there is a lot of bad advice out there, confusing the lot of us and putting a wrench in our interpersonal relations, bisexual or otherwise. From antiquated myths to advisors with the occasional blind spot, there’s no lack of sources for these counterproductive ideas and it’s tough not to adopt those that we’ve heard over and over.

So I thought that instead of answering questions on this Tuesday, I’d instead squash some of the worst offenders in one fell swoop. Won’t that be cathartic? Here goes…

Intimacy cannot be measured in time. Relationships cannot be judged by length.

Perhaps not having had a long-term relationship is an indicator that there’s something holding you back. Perhaps it’s an indicator that you exit unhealthy relationships at the right time. Either is as likely as the other.

There’s a difference between privacy and shame.

If all of your friends have met someone (or many someones) and you haven’t, the most likely reason is that while there’s a lot of what they’re looking for, there’s comparably less of what you’re looking for.

Just because someone doesn’t date or have sex – with a specific kind of person or at all – doesn’t mean they don’t want to.

Problematic dating behavior doesn’t necessarily stem from past trauma.

There are circumstances when it’s OK to break up with someone over the phone.

You can end a relationship for virtually any reason. You do not lose your right to do so because the person in question has not hurt you.

Dating online is not for losers, nor does it indicate a participants’ mindset of ordering off a menu.

You will grow out of dating obnoxious people with whom it will never work. You will be attracted to other kinds of people.

Opposites might attract but they generally don’t get along.

There is no such thing as being “too picky.” If you wanted to be partnered more than you wanted to be happy, you’d settle.

Losing your virginity (which is a worthless construct anyway) beyond the drinking age is not at all uncommon and it’s not a reflection of your value as a lover, partner, or even eye-candy.

One of the best things about same-sex dating and relationships is that you aren’t bound to the bizarre social conventions and gendered behavior guidelines of opposite-sex dating. That said, you still need to treat your romantic counterpart as such, and not as casually as a friend.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.