November 26, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a fourth-year, female college student who recently had sex with a woman for the first time a few weeks ago (my first time kissing a girl, too). For the past year-ish, I’ve realized that I’m attracted to women and have been interested in exploring what it’s like to be involved sexually with them. I discovered it’s AMAZING (!) and I’m fond of the girl who I had sex with.

Here’s the catch: I’ve been dating a guy on and off for four years and we got back together about a week ago because we can’t stand being apart. It became emotionally draining and I needed time apart, but we’ve decided to forget about the past and move on. It’s good. I am totally in love with him, he’s crazy about me, and I cannot imagine my life without him (cliche, I know).

But I realized that I don’t really have an interest in having sex with him like I used to. I loved how I felt with the girl I was sleeping with… it’s a totally different experience. It’s not that I’m not sexually attracted to my boyfriend or that I don’t like being intimate with him, it’s just…I don’t think I’m a fan of his man-part being inside me. He’s very loving but it’s just rougher, for lack of a better word, than being with a woman.

So, basically, what does a young woman do who recently discovered how incredible having sex with women is but is also completely in love with a guy?

-Ghirlwind

I don’t doubt that you’re in love with this guy but I suspect it’s star-crossed. Is your relationship both exhilarating and exhausting? Got those high highs and low lows? Do you ever think, “Why does this have to be so complicated all the time?”

Yep. Star-crossed.

Sometimes you can have history, affection, and commitment with someone but you two still can’t get it together as a couple. You keep returning to him because you believe that you belong together, but maybe it isn’t fate; it’s just hope. And if the nature of your relationship has been push-pull for this long, it’s not going to change. You’re on-and-off for a reason.

I’m telling you all this because I think you should break it off with this guy. Give yourself permission to explore this incredible, electrifying new world of women that you’ve discovered without thinking that it means you don’t love this guy. You do love him, you just can’t un-complicate things with him. Sometimes love is like that.

Plus, if you did remain with him instead of dating women, it wouldn’t really work well right now. You don’t want to have P-in-the-V sex with him. As a straight guy, he probably counts little else under attraction and intimacy.

Senior year is a scary time that drives us to cling to the few stable forces left in our lives. But cutting loose from this perpetual knot of a relationship so you can jump into a sexual adventure is going to be way more fun, doncha think? You say you can’t stay away from him, but I bet your new female lovers will find a way to distract you.

Breaking it off with the guy won’t be fun…

…but what comes next will.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 15, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a closeted, mature, bisexual man (in my 40s) who happened to meet another closeted, mature, bisexual man. We get along well and care for one another. I think I may be falling in love with him, which scares me.

Since we are both new at this, we’re still finding out things about being bisexual. We have been intimate, kissed and held one another passionately, and enjoyed ourselves. We do lots of things together including going out to dinners and movies. When we’re in the car, I will reach out and kiss him sometimes but I’ve noticed that he’s a bit reluctant to kiss back, sometimes even if we’re alone at home. He always kisses me back but he seems a little uncomfortable with it. I asked him and he said “I’m not used to kissing another guy.” I replied, “I’m not either but I enjoy kissing you.”

He says he’s still getting used to this other part of himself. As for his family, he was brought up by a verbally and physically abusive father and barely shakes hands with his brothers when he sees them after a long period. He’s never been married and is in his 40s, and is a conservative religious guy with preconceived ideas about people of different sexual orientations. He says to me, “It feels so right when I’m with you but I’m still uncomfortable about kissing another guy.”

I hate this…why would I fall for an emotionally unavailable guy? Should I just break this up before I get myself in trouble? I think I love him.

-Brook

The poor guy is suffering from a terrible case of internalized biphobia. I believe most queer people have internalized our society’s LGBT antipathy to some degree but this appears to be a tough case with possible aggravating factors including his political, religious, and family influences.

You sound like a caring, sympathetic, all-around sweet person; he’s lucky to have you. I suggest you find either a group for or a therapist who specializes in men addressing sexuality issues. You likely won’t find bi-specific help (which is a bit worrisome because others might try to convince you/him that you’re not really bi but gay) but I actually think it might be more important to find one that suits your ages and perhaps his religion.

I think you should find this therapist or group and go once before bringing it up with him. Explain to him that you’re going because you don’t want to feel conflicted around him anymore and that you just want to be happy. Tell him that you’d feel better if he went with you, but then give him a bit of time to decide whether he will or not. I believe setting it up like this is your best chance of getting him the emotional help he needs.

If he refuses to accompany you at first, go alone. Although this exercise is mostly for him, you could use a little sorting out, too, right? Perhaps you could focus on your reasons for being closeted, or on why you have fallen for someone emotionally unavailable. (The question alone shows your keen introspection. Unfortunately, the answer is so complex that I could never deduce it from just a letter.)

Don’t give up on him yet, Brook. You might love this guy. I think that trying to overcome some of your internalized biphobia together might be a watershed moment for this beautiful relationship.

 
This one goes out to Brook’s guy. Don’t let the haters get into your head.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 6, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am bisexual, female, and in a year-long relationship with my girlfriend, who is also bisexual. Our best friend, “Anne,” is roommates with my girlfriend. Since she is fairly religious, we were afraid to tell her about us but finally did after four months in. Being a rather possessive person, Anne had a hard time dealing with us being in a relationship that she was not a part of. She was angry at first but got much better as time went on.

Today, though, Anne revealed that she had told her sister about us a long time ago so she could have someone to talk to about it. (Note that we are not completely out yet.) Unfortunately, her sister told their very religious father. After a long, grueling phone call in which Anne completely defended my girlfriend and me, her family told her she was going to hell for supporting us and that they didn’t want to see her again until she cut all ties to us.

I feel so guilty. I feel like I ruined her life, and made her choose between her family and me. She keeps talking about how she has nobody to walk her down the aisle and no place to go for Christmas. I have no idea what to do.

Thank you for any advice.

-Guilty

Welp, Anne wanted to be a part of your relationship…aaaaand now she is. But before we talk about that, let’s review the ways in which you are not responsible for her actions or their repercussions:

  • She outed you to her sister without your permission.

  • Her sister told someone you ostensibly never would have told.

  • She opted to fight about it with her father.

You didn’t commit any of these actions that led up to the unfortunate result. Arguably, you might have made a different choice at every turn. You are responsible for none of this and, therefore, have nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, even the part where Anne defended you to her father which, while honorable, was her decision to make. In order to get past your guilt, you need to acknowledge that you did not “[make] her choose between her family and [you].” If you want to put blame where blame is due, how about starting with her homophobic and vindictive father?

Back to Anne. While I don’t think it’s a conscious effort, I do think she’s getting something out of your guilt. On some level, she realizes that wailing about family-less special occasions makes you feel like you and your girlfriend owe it to her to become her new family. Now that she’s martyred herself for you (which, remember, you never asked her to do), she can enjoy being a permanent appendage to your relationship. You know you’re getting played at least a little when Anne is lamenting a lonely holiday a full eight months in advance. “Nobody to walk her down the aisle”…does she even have a boyfriend? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I suggest releasing your guilt or risk having it fester and turn into resentment. The next time Anne cues the violins for her plight as a political orphan, encourage her to consider making up with her father in some way. Tell her that you appreciate her standing up for you and your girlfriend, but you can’t take the place of her family.
 
Guilty: “You’re not our wife.”
Anne: “I threw my family for you.”
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.