June 24, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s a two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I recently discovered that I’m bisexual. However, I live in Pakistan. Here, sexuality is hardly discussed and, in many cases, considered taboo. I want to know more about myself and my sexuality. Can you please advise me on how to do that in a safe, open way?

-Nora

Yes: read! This column from a couple years ago suggests bi magazines (print and online) and Facebook pages. Allow me to add to the list Bisexual Bloggers’ Facebook page which connects you to some excellent electronic reading material. And if you like Tumblr, you’re in luck: bisexual scholar and author of Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution Shiri Eisner created quite a rundown of bi Tumblr blogs to follow. Note that one of them is Bisexual Books, which will give you even more to read. (Although Shiri somehow left off the best Tumblr blog of all — You Might Be A Bisexual — I am willing to convict her of mere temporary insanity when she finally throws herself on the mercy of the Upland court.)

But the thing I’d most like you to read, the tome that’ll knock your bisexual socks off, is an anthology called Getting Bi edited by Robyn Ochs and Sarah Rowley. The book consists of over 200 personal essays from bisexuals on what it feels like to be one of us. The authors come from 42 different countries (!) and offer a wide range of experiences and feelings, so I have no doubt that you’ll find multiple stories that resonate with you. It is incredibly validating to read this book and feel that connection to fellow bisexuals around the world.

At some point, you’ll want to get out of the library and meet other bisexuals in person. These readings will give you tips on how others have done that, even in places like Pakistan. Until then, get to surfing and hitting the stacks!

Dear Tiggy,

I identify as a bisexual but I am not completely sure whether I am, seeing as I have only had sex with men. I messed around with women when I was younger and enjoyed it but still have yet to have sex.

I guess my question is: will I know whether I’m bi after I have sex with a woman? Or am I already?

-Bryan

P.S. I’m from Texas and, yeah, homophobia ERRVERYWHERE.

I really don’t think having sex with a woman will help you know any more than you know now. It might give you a bit more confidence, but in a “Dumbo’s feather” kind of way. And even that’s not guaranteed.

Generally speaking, having sex to prove something is a bad reason to do it. Consider the feelings of your would-be lady lover: do you think she’ll enjoy knowing that you shared a sexual experience with her solely to “qualify” as a bisexual? Probably not, eh?

Also: would that prove it? If you read the post from last bi-week, you’ll see that I disagreed with the letter writer’s predatory friend on this very idea. Wouldn’t it just make you the guy who only had sex with a woman to prove he wasn’t totally gay? And wouldn’t that fact make you seem…more gay? Additionally, I imagine you’d soon decide that this event wasn’t enough “proof” because now you’re the guy who only had sex with a woman once. Where does that slippery slope end?

Plenty of people don’t have sex with partners who are complementary to their sexuality — or do have sex with partners who aren’t — but it doesn’t change who they are. One’s sexual identity is complex and nuanced, far moreso than anything that can be determined with a simple litmus test; that’s why you’re the only one who can identify yourself.

If you want to feel like a real bisexual, I have a much better idea than a fleeting romp: read Robyn Ochs’s other anthology, Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men. You’ll find bunches of men who are just like you, as well as others who have had different experiences but consider themselves no less bi than the next bi guy. Join the rest of us on pins and needles until the book is published this September. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Take a look, it’s in a book, a reading rainbow.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 15, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

It’s been over seven years since I came out to my mom the first time but I feel like I went through the stress of coming out for nothing.

Noticed I said that I came out “the first time”? We talked about it that day and briefly afterwards, but it’s now as though that conversation never happened. I feel as though I’m constantly coming out to her, or even that I’m still closeted. I understand that it can be hard to adjust to a child coming out, and it’s been easy to ignore because I’ve only had relationships with men since, but she rarely acknowledges that I ever said anything about liking women.

About two years after coming out, when I mentioned some sort of support meeting (it might have been PFLAG) her response was, “I thought we were done with this.” When finding my book of pin-up models, she asked why I had it. Seven years is a long time to keep fighting for recognition, never mind the times I don’t make a comment because I don’t feel like I’m “out enough” to say it.

Is there anything I can do so that I don’t have to keep coming out over and over again? I don’t want to have gone through all of that only to still feel closeted.

-Luna

You want your mom to accept you for what you are and not expect you to change at some point. In order to keep your sanity, you have to do that for her.

Accept that she can’t handle your bisexuality, doesn’t want to talk about it, and will go so far as to push you into engaging in her preferred reality for you. This is who she is now, maybe forever. I don’t know whether you ever had a relationship with her in which you could openly talk about who you’re dating, but you need to come to grips with the fact that you don’t now. In this way, you can protect yourself from the utter exhaustion of constant contention. (Meanwhile, be sure to join/build a community with bisexuals and allies with whom you can share your entire self.)

At the same time, answer her directly when she prods you. “Where are you volunteering on Sunday?” gets “A PFLAG meeting.” “Why is this pin-up book here?” gets “Why wouldn’t it be?” “I thought we were done with this” gets “I will never be ‘done’ with being bisexual.” You’ll feel better about yourself if you don’t actively enable her to “forget” that you’re bisexual. She’ll learn pretty quickly that if she goes digging for it, she’ll strike gold every time.

Likewise, if she notices that there’s some distance between you two and asks about it, tell her directly that she seems uncomfortable talking about your activities having to do with bisexuality (or sexual identity, or dating in general, etc. – wherever you choose to draw the line), so you don’t talk about them anymore. It should become clear to her that her attempts to police your sexuality only serve to limit your shared relationship.

It’s critical, though, that you don’t do any of this in the hopes of forcing her hand. Do not anticipate your mom giving you the relationship you want with her. If you don’t want her to prompt you to change, you owe her the same respect. The goal of setting these boundaries should be to keep your self-esteem intact as a bisexual person. I applaud your patience, Luna, and hope you know that the worldwide family of Wild Deuces will always recognize you as one of our pack.

In honor of the above-described Bisexual Groundhog Day Effect, I present to you “Round and Round.” (Yes, of course a bisexual advice column is featuring the video of the greatest hit from ’80s hair band, Ratt.) Please enjoy a cameo appearance by heterosexual drag queen, Milton Berle.

In other news, this Buzzfeed is the second best thing on the internet this month, the first being the weather reports.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 1, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Wild Deuce,

Is it time to dump the bi flag?

OK look, I know it was SO cool when Betsy Ross sewed the first one back in 1998 B.C. or whenever, and they’re flown proudly at, well, mostly just at Pride. And on some cool bi resource websites and all. And I totally have a key chain with the bi flag and everything!

But seriously, if the point of these colors is to raise awareness and be visible and create unity and yada-yada-yada, I wonder if it isn’t time to at least face the questions: Has the bi flag flopped? And if so, what else, if anything, should we do? I think the fact that they totally haven’t caught on outside of a small faction within a small segment within a little slice of those who identify as any kind of non-binary indicates that, well, they might actually be contributing to our continued invisibility within the LGBT community, and confusion within our mainstream culture.

I feel like either the marketing game needs to be amped up on “Old Bi Glory,” or something new needs to be created. Personally? I’m in favor of creating unity by using the rainbow flag, but making that important differentiation by having a niftily font-ized “B” inside it. Heck, maybe the B inside the rainbow could be the old bi colors just for whimsy. Or something like that. Something that creates unity and uniqueness simultaneously.

I’m certainly not trying to undo great work, or re-invent the wheel, but I think it might be worth at least talking about, because it’s getting annoying explaining it to other bisexuals who — and I’m honestly really good at selling things and getting people excited about stuff — are not all that enthused about it at all (or they nose huff a little and say, “Oh. Interesting. Never knew that,” like it was some kind of ancient trivia in no way connected to their life).

What do you think about the flag and its continued viability, Tiggy?

-365

“Vexillology.” Isn’t that a fantastic word? Let’s engage in a little, yes? Safely, of course. [Dons full-body condom/Soundsuit]

These Soundsuits by artist Nick Cave may not be 100% effective as prophylactics but they are top of the line in the fight against unfabulousness.

Flags come from heraldry, when families bore a coat of arms for self-protection, and were first used for military coordination on battlefields. They allow a clan of any sort a representation of their history and future. Sports flags indicate rule-breaking, cautions/alerts, or ball possession. Buddhists string prayer flags in the Himalayas to bless the countryside. You may think that flags that simply represent a population really aren’t meaningful anymore but let me ask you: do you feel something when you see someone burn your nation’s flag? How about when you see it flown at half mast? Upside down? A flag’s symbolism still crackles and smolders even among the ostensibly apathetic.

A cohesive group keeps a flag to demonstrate allegiance, show ownership of whatever the flag is planted into, allow others to easily identify them, and to communicate. And I don’t just mean through semaphore. In the 1970s, “flagging” was actively practiced by queer men across the U.S., Canada, and Europe. Our minority has had a history of living in the shadows, knowing we would be punished for expressing our sexuality; flagging, or “the hanky code,” was our way of signaling to each other our presence and preferences via colored handkerchiefs. Such back pocket flags have long gone out of vogue for queer men, save for the leather community, but they remain historical artifacts that were highly functional in their heyday.

I believe that the bi flag is all of these things. A sign. A shield. A rule marker. A uniform. A story. A prayer. Pretty tall order for a simple piece of fabric. But maybe you want the flag to do the work of organizing, too. Nah, son, it’s not gonna do that for you. As a salesperson and a bi activist, you know that pitching isn’t just explaining what a product does or the thought behind its engineering. It’s convincing people why they should care. We’re talking about the difference between: a.) “Straight-blue plus gay-pink equals bi-purple! It’s a Ziplock bag of sexuality!” and b.) “Put this in your back pocket and potential sex partners will flock to you.” The former elicits a snore, the latter secures undivided attention.

Thus, as you pointed out, a closer look at the marketing plan is in order. Forget the ‘70s – let’s talk about how we can most effectively use the bi flag in the 21st century. I’ve noticed in Tumblr and Twitter, lots of bloggers use the bi flag as their avatar. And where better to express a key facet of your identity than in your blog profile? Come to think of it, I wonder if you feel our flag has flopped because it hasn’t behaved as a meme would. Hey, listen, memes aren’t so great. They catch on like wildfire but they’re ephemeral and, at the core, are just templates for rotating witticisms. Flags are a slow-and-steady operation, and should be. We’ve got time. Unlike Bad Luck Brian, bisexuals expect to be around for a while, you know?

Before we move on, I have to share this one weirditude: I discovered that the hanky code does not operate on a universal color key. I guess just the fact that you had a hanky effectively signified your queerness, much like just the fact that you’re flying a colorful striped flag says you’re some kind of LGBT. This manifestation of unity is not very clear-cut or structured but being queer is about intersectional identities and a narrative journey, not a puzzle in which each piece has exactly one correct position within the whole. If fluidity is what we espouse, it’s fitting for the flag to embody that value.

Bisexual activist Shiri Eisner, author of Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution, discusses embracing traits associated with bisexuals – even the alleged “negative” ones – and incorporating them into our justice work. For instance, she encourages us to use our invisibility as a tool for radical change. Let me (well, Eisner) blow your mind right here:

“We might be able to say that to be bisexual is not only to pass [i.e. to be perceived, intentionally or not, as something other than what one is], but also to be inauthentic. It is to be partial, to be hybrid, to be the metaphorical axis of deceptiveness, treason, and danger. …But why is this a good thing? Because all of these qualities are signs of subversive power.” (Eisner 128)

Furthermore…
“Using these [qualities] as methods of disruption and social order might enable bisexual politics to step outside of the system and work toward radical social change, and subversion of binaries and hierarchies, building and destroying new categories and creating a complex, multiple, radical world.” (Eisner 135)

So much of what bisexuals experience is about society’s inability or desperate refusal to see us for what we are. And here we have a flag nobody seems to be able to pick out of a line-up. Well, hell, I’d say that is one representative flag.

You know what I think? More than all of those duties I listed above that the bi flag fulfills, it’s a lesson. It teaches all of us to stop trying to make it into something more popular or more palatable or whatever makes you more comfortable. It isn’t what you thought it was, or think it should be. It doesn’t fit into a nice little box. If offers no reassuring boundaries for comparison. It’s not really clear what its message is for you. Sometimes it’s its own worst enemy.

Good. That space in the middle is where bisexuals live.

You don’t recognize the bi flag?


Not feeling the bi flag?

The Dude’s a bi. (Wait, that is what he’s always saying, right?)

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.