Dear Tiggy,
I’m 26 and just starting to embrace my bisexuality. The problem is that I don’t look like a lesbian, so it’s hard to find girls who might be interested. I like to dress up and put on makeup when I go out, and I’m attracted to feminine girls. I can’t tell who is gay or bi and they can’t tell that I’m bi. Do I need to wear a hat that says “bisexual” on it? (Kidding.) I’m in a conservative part of North Carolina, which doesn’t help. In summary: how do I meet girls and still act/look like myself?
-Brownie
Oh, yes. Tiggy can relate.
The way I see it, you have four options which are, thankfully, not mutually exclusive:
1.) Online dating. Duh.
2.) Be out. If virtually everyone who knows you knows you’re bi and single, you can get pretty far with dating just friends and acquaintances, not to mention letting your peeps set you up. And hey, dating people you already know is typically the most effective method to meet quality potential partners anyway. Win-win.
3.) Frequent queer spaces. All ladies are fair game for flirting with in queer spaces regardless of where they fall on the butch/femme spectrum. Just being in the room is akin to wearing a “bisexual” hat, minus the questionable fashion therein and the resulting hat head.
Note that there’s no need to limit yourself to bars and clubs if they’re not your scene. Visit MeetUp.com to find some local LGBT groups that host activities you enjoy. Better still, you could start your own. The Boston area has an incredible group called Mad Femme Pride that you might try to emulate. Sure, the queer vibe in North Carolina is different from Massachusetts, but never assume that you’re the only person facing a particular challenge. I bet a whole gaggle of North Carolinan chicks are waiting for someone to start a group like that. Why not you?
4.) Summon your courage to hit on mainstream strangers. That’s right: the Level 10 of queer dating. You might decide to limit yourself to flirting with women who give some sort of sign that they are queer. Likewise, you may start wearing a necklace or bracelet with bi colors in order to throw the girls a flag. When you have someone in your sights, the best thing to do is to wait until she looks at you, then look away like you didn’t want her to know you were looking at her. But as you do, smile to yourself and play with your hair a little. Practice this move at home.
Lucky for you, a femme and (I presume) cisgender woman can generally risk accidentally hitting on straight ladies without physical retribution, even in conservative areas. No, you’re merely subject to potential embarrassment or a bruised ego but that’s the spice of life, amirite? Just keep reminding yourself that you can’t win if you don’t play, and that scads of magnificent women are clamoring to bewitch you if only you’d give them a chance.
The existential question of these modern times.
She has a point, Olivia.
Oh, God, we’re all just Bizarro Chandler, aren’t we?
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.