proof

It’s a two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I recently discovered that I’m bisexual. However, I live in Pakistan. Here, sexuality is hardly discussed and, in many cases, considered taboo. I want to know more about myself and my sexuality. Can you please advise me on how to do that in a safe, open way?

-Nora

Yes: read! This column from a couple years ago suggests bi magazines (print and online) and Facebook pages. Allow me to add to the list Bisexual Bloggers’ Facebook page which connects you to some excellent electronic reading material. And if you like Tumblr, you’re in luck: bisexual scholar and author of Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution Shiri Eisner created quite a rundown of bi Tumblr blogs to follow. Note that one of them is Bisexual Books, which will give you even more to read. (Although Shiri somehow left off the best Tumblr blog of all — You Might Be A Bisexual — I am willing to convict her of mere temporary insanity when she finally throws herself on the mercy of the Upland court.)

But the thing I’d most like you to read, the tome that’ll knock your bisexual socks off, is an anthology called Getting Bi edited by Robyn Ochs and Sarah Rowley. The book consists of over 200 personal essays from bisexuals on what it feels like to be one of us. The authors come from 42 different countries (!) and offer a wide range of experiences and feelings, so I have no doubt that you’ll find multiple stories that resonate with you. It is incredibly validating to read this book and feel that connection to fellow bisexuals around the world.

At some point, you’ll want to get out of the library and meet other bisexuals in person. These readings will give you tips on how others have done that, even in places like Pakistan. Until then, get to surfing and hitting the stacks!

Dear Tiggy,

I identify as a bisexual but I am not completely sure whether I am, seeing as I have only had sex with men. I messed around with women when I was younger and enjoyed it but still have yet to have sex.

I guess my question is: will I know whether I’m bi after I have sex with a woman? Or am I already?

-Bryan

P.S. I’m from Texas and, yeah, homophobia ERRVERYWHERE.

I really don’t think having sex with a woman will help you know any more than you know now. It might give you a bit more confidence, but in a “Dumbo’s feather” kind of way. And even that’s not guaranteed.

Generally speaking, having sex to prove something is a bad reason to do it. Consider the feelings of your would-be lady lover: do you think she’ll enjoy knowing that you shared a sexual experience with her solely to “qualify” as a bisexual? Probably not, eh?

Also: would that prove it? If you read the post from last bi-week, you’ll see that I disagreed with the letter writer’s predatory friend on this very idea. Wouldn’t it just make you the guy who only had sex with a woman to prove he wasn’t totally gay? And wouldn’t that fact make you seem…more gay? Additionally, I imagine you’d soon decide that this event wasn’t enough “proof” because now you’re the guy who only had sex with a woman once. Where does that slippery slope end?

Plenty of people don’t have sex with partners who are complementary to their sexuality — or do have sex with partners who aren’t — but it doesn’t change who they are. One’s sexual identity is complex and nuanced, far moreso than anything that can be determined with a simple litmus test; that’s why you’re the only one who can identify yourself.

If you want to feel like a real bisexual, I have a much better idea than a fleeting romp: read Robyn Ochs’s other anthology, Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men. You’ll find bunches of men who are just like you, as well as others who have had different experiences but consider themselves no less bi than the next bi guy. Join the rest of us on pins and needles until the book is published this September. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Take a look, it’s in a book, a reading rainbow.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

Dear Tiggy,

I am 19 years old. A couple months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was her first homosexual relationship and she has never had a boyfriend. It’s funny because she always said she was bisexual without having had a relationship with a guy.

How can I know if I was just an experience for her? Does she prefer men or women? How can I get back with her? She herself sometimes rejects things about her sexuality.

-Melisa

Well, now you’ve done it. You’ve infuriated Tiggy.

First, I offer you a lesson on what is and is not “funny.” Funny is Maria Bamford’s Sophisticated Lady voice. Funny is Brian Regan’s emergency room bit. Funny is Dave Atell, in a Not At All Safe For Work, Oh-Ho, Not Nearly way. These things are very amusing. There is nothing at all amusing about someone telling you that they identify as bisexual but have never had a relationship with a person of a particular gender. This information is not a knee-slapper.

Perhaps you meant not “funny-ha-ha” but “funny-weird.” In this case, too, you have misjudged. This kind of “funny” best describes when you’re at work and you go to the bathroom, mostly because you’re bored but also because it’s 10:00 a.m. and that’s when you usually take your morning constitutional anyway, and you sit down and wait for the person in the other stall to finish up and leave before you “meditate on your high-fiber diet,” as it were, because she was there first and that’s the rule, and of course she takes four hours at the sink, just GO, and after you do your thing while thinking, “Do I surf the internet too much at work? I’m an awful person,” you turn around to flush with your foot, but you see your poop is a bit…green. Why is it greenish?

Well, that’s funny.

Then you remember that you had blue chip nachos the night before. Crisis averted. [flush]

But being bisexual and never having had a relationship with someone of a certain gender is not odd, or even interesting. Many people of all sexualities know what sorts of people attract them before they have relationships. If you are under the impression that she needs to have a relationship with people of at least two different genders to prove to herself, the world, and you that she is bisexual, alas, you are wrong again. Bisexuality needs no validation.

Moving on: you ask whether she prefers men or women. Your ex-girlfriend prefers men, women, and probably other genders as well. That’s what it is to be bisexual. To be honest, there are many things in this world that I do not understand without a thorough discussion during which I might ask several clarifying questions. Friends the world over are experts in subjects with which I have, at best, a passing acquaintance. I remind myself of this when I am asked to explain something to another who is just being introduced to a concept that I have known for many years. But for the life of me, I cannot fathom what is so hard for some people to understand about the basic idea of bisexuality. It’s when a person has romantic and/or sexual feelings for people who are the same gender and different genders from him/herself. You know what it isn’t? Rocket science.

As for just being an experience for her, you might know if she gave you any indication that you were just an experience for her. Her bisexuality is no such indicator. And I’m sure she does reject things about her sexuality. When she is bombarded day in and day out with bitter messages against her identity that range from disheartening to disgusting, even from the people in life who she most hoped would support her — like her girlfriend — then it’s nigh on impossible to prevent the infection of internalized biphobia. Being treated according to stereotypes instead of as a human being can wear on a gal.

In a conversation with an artist friend a few months back, I said that I loved public art but had such trouble interpreting it because there were no curators to help me. She explained that I needed to participate more, to actively bring to the table my thoughts and feelings on the piece. It was an A-ha Moment for me, and it made me aware of other instances in which people wanted answers to the mysteries of life without having to lift a finger. In your case, you took the initiative to write to me but did you read any other Ask Tiggy letters to get some sense of bisexuality? Did you read anything on the Bisexual Resource Center website? These questions are rhetorical, as you would never have written the letter above if you made even a small effort to understand.

I don’t know if you can get your girlfriend back because you’ve told me exactly nothing about your relationship, save for your belief that its negatives all hinge on her bisexuality. Armed with no other knowledge, I can only wager a guess that your girlfriend left to find a partner who isn’t prejudiced against her. If you care about her, you won’t try to get her back; I suspect she deserves better than what you’ve shown her so far. If you care about your future girlfriends, some of whom might be bisexual, you’ll click above where it says “Back to the BRC Website” and read up.

The lovely Evan Rachel Wood brings you Buzzfeed’s “12 Ways to Definitively Prove You’re Actually Bisexual.” Can you spot the animated GIFs they took from my Tumblr? It’s all good, Buzzfeed, the first GIFs are free!

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 24, 2014

May 13, 2014