Dear Tiggy,
I am a 27-year-old male and never thought about being gay or bisexual. I always said I have no problem if someone else is as long as they are happy.
About three months ago, I met a psychic who insists that I am bisexual. (She herself is bi.) I tend to overthink so, for a month, I ruminated on this and was in a serious depression. I tried my best to remember my thoughts and feelings on sexuality throughout the years and nothing made sense.
I spoke to a friend who is married with a child and says he is bi. This guy admits to having a crush on me for years. I’ve tried to be a good friend to him because he’s had a hard life. His solution and only solution to my sexuality dilemma is that I have to try sex with another man.
As far as I know, I’ve never been attracted to a guy in that way — i.e. never said that a guy is hot, never wanted to kiss a man, etc. My friend said he went through the same thing and I must try it because rationalizing it doesn’t work. I was very close to trying it because I kept thinking about it…it was basically stuck in my brain. I would look at guys trying to see if I’m attracted to them, I looked at gay porn, I did almost everything to determine whether I like sex with men, except trying it. I was on the verge of suicide because it bothered me so much and I’ve been a bit depressed lately.
I am going to a therapist now and I’m doing much better. I do believe I’m straight. I have a girlfriend who is trying to help me through this. We were talking about getting married and having children before all this but I held up that process because this needed to be dealt with. I love her, and I’ve had prior relationships and sex with women which I enjoyed.
I’m seeking an unbiased opinion. I’ve thought about being with a man so much that I almost thought I am bi but I have no attraction to men. When I talk to my friend, he seems to mean well but I get really depressed so I blocked all contact with him.
His reasons for knowing I am bisexual are as follows:
- I used to flirt with him (I cannot remember this)
- I help my mother
- I do not sleep around with women even though I have the opportunity
- I do not wear my pants down by my butt
- I have gay coworkers that I get along with
- I looked at gay porn to see if I had a response
What is your opinion? Thank you so much.
-Mason
There is nothing in this list or your letter that even remotely indicates that you are bisexual. In fact, to say that any of these bulleted items have to do with sexual orientation is absurd.
Keeping in mind that depression and anxiety are different sides of the same coin, it’s possible that your depression triggered obsessive behaviors surrounding your anxiety toward bisexuality. A column I wrote this past spring may shed more light on that for you. It might also be that the thing you’re really anxious about is that your relationship is on its way to marriage and kids. Perhaps you subconsciously transferred the object of your worries to your sexuality in order to have an excuse to put the wedding on hold. In any case, I have to tell you, Mason: I’m a little bit worried about you, buddy. Not for anything having to do with sexuality, but because you seem to be highly suggestible and it’s left you vulnerable to nefarious characters.
Take, for example, this psychic you visited. I don’t believe in psychics but I’m hoping that in time, you will agree with me that at least this particular one is a charlatan. I’m not sure what she even gets out of convincing you that you’re bisexual — maybe camaraderie, if she has no fellow bisexual friends? Or a guaranteed repeat-customer, because she thinks you’ll keep coming back to see what other unlikely things she’ll divine for you? Regardless, you have logic on your side (e.g. you’ve never been attracted to men) while all she has is a “vision,” which anyone can make up. And yet, you doubted yourself.
Worse still is this so-called friend who is preying on you with the obvious motive of having sex with you. He says he’s into you, he gives the most cockamamie reasons I’ve ever heard to “prove” your bisexuality, and insists that the only way you’ll know your sexuality for sure is — surprise! (not!) — to have sex with him. This selfish schemer is more transparent than the damned Windex factory…and yet, once again, you doubted yourself.
I certainly don’t wish for you to transform into a crusty old cynic but people who haven’t honed their critical thinking skills are often chosen as marks by domineering individuals bent on exploitation. A post on the blog Band Back Together discusses what psychological manipulation looks like and the characteristics of people typically targeted. Take a look…would you say any of these apply to you?
- A desire to please and earn the approval and acceptance of others
- Naivete (the victim doesn’t want to believe that anyone is cunning or ruthless and may be in denial of own victimhood)
- A fear of negative emotions
- Over-internationalization (believing what the manipulator says to be true, which can result in self-doubt or shame)
- Excessive empathy (the victim tries really hard to understand the point of view of the manipulator and believes the manipulator has a justifiable reason to be hurtful)
- Over-conscientiousness (victim is too willing to give the manipulator the benefit of the doubt)
- Low self-confidence (victim lacks the ability to say no, doubts themselves, lacks confidence)
- Emotional dependency (the victim has a dependent or submissive personality)
- Low emotional skills (when the victim does not understand his or her emotional self well, they misinterpret feelings)
It might be helpful if you and your therapist concentrated on this rather than on your sexuality. If you’re so inclined, pick up a copy of what Skeptic magazine called a critical thinking classic: Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Thomas E. Kida. It will help you avoid people like your “friend” who is playing mind games with you to get you into bed.
If I haven’t been clear enough yet: that guy is not your friend. He’s a jerk and you should stay far, far away from him, I don’t care how hard his life has been. I’m sad that two of the bisexuals you’ve met so far have been rather sinister, but I swear on a stack of elegant coffeetable books that most of us are kind and delightful.
Trust yourself, Mason. You have more of the answers than you think.
Puppeteers, be gone with your strings! Tiggy banishes you with three magic words.
© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.