Dear Tiggy,
I am a guy in my mid-20s and I am confused about my bisexuality because I have only been with women. I actually wish I was not bisexual and when I feel attracted to men it is a feeling I do not like.
My problem is that I have several times (but not always) felt that I am more attracted to men than women. Sometimes the urge to kiss a guy is stronger than the urge I have ever felt with a woman. And when I think about doing something with a guy I can get more turned on than when I think about doing things with a girl. Even when I masturbate the feeling is different, i.e. sometimes more tingling when I think of a guy.
That is not to say I don’t feel strong urges with women. When I see hot girls and I think about their bodies, I just want to go over and grab them. There are also things I prefer with the female body, such as the soft skin and breasts. But as I mentioned before, I have never been with a guy – and I don’t really want to – so I don’t know if these feelings are true or if my mind is just playing tricks on me.
Why I find this disconcerting is because I am not happy with being bisexual. I want to have a wife and kids some day. I want to have a woman I can hold and share my life with. I can’t really picture myself lying in bed cuddling with a man. What makes things even more confusing is that I have never been in love before. If I had been in love with a woman, I might have not been that afraid of feeling a strong lust for men because I would know I was capable of loving women. So whenever I feel attracted to men, I am afraid that I am more attracted to them than women.
In my head, there is an eternal battle. Can I really be more attracted to men when I have never been with one (and don’t particularly want to be)? Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal? Is my body telling me I want to be with a man, while my mind says I don’t?
Apologies for the excruciating detail and the explicit content, it’s just that I am really confused and depressed a lot of the time.
-Chris
Your letter makes me so sad for you. Lying in bed at night thinking, “I don’t want this…I don’t want to be this,” is incredibly painful. I hope my thoughts offer you solace, if not immediately, then in the long term.
The good news for you is that plenty of male bisexuals fall in love and settle down with a female partner. Furthermore, the vast majority of bisexuals don’t like all sexes equally. I’ve come to believe that nature abhors perfect balance just as much as it hates vacuuming. How would a person even measure whether zir* affection and attraction to one gender is precisely equal to zir feelings for another? And even if you did, for example, have a stronger pull toward men than women, you could still fall in love with and have a long term relationship with a woman.
But honestly, I think your wish not to be bisexual comes from internalized biphobia. Your revulsion in imagining cuddling and having sex with a man is likely from the same source. You ask, “Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal?” and I believe that’s probably correct.
There is such a thing as being a heteroromantic bisexual – that is, a person who is romantically attracted only to a different gender but is sexually attracted to more than one gender. I don’t think that’s what we’re dealing with here, though.
As I see it, your actual problem has little to do with sexuality and everything to do with your need to control your own life story. Chris, the truth is that control is an illusion. None of us is completely in charge of how we turn out. You don’t need to try to force your life to perform the hetero script you wrote for it…in fact, you couldn’t even if you wanted to, no matter how much you ruminate on this issue. So stop trying to mentally measure every urge and feeling because you’re going to make yourself nuts.
Focus your energy on letting go of the need to control your life’s narrative. You can look into Buddhism and start meditating, or read a self-help book like this one or this. Train yourself to welcome whatever may come into your life and you’ll be much more content regardless of what happens.
*gender-neutral pronoun
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.