Dear Tiggy,
I am 19 years old. A couple months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was her first homosexual relationship and she has never had a boyfriend. It’s funny because she always said she was bisexual without having had a relationship with a guy.
How can I know if I was just an experience for her? Does she prefer men or women? How can I get back with her? She herself sometimes rejects things about her sexuality.
-Melisa
Well, now you’ve done it. You’ve infuriated Tiggy.
First, I offer you a lesson on what is and is not “funny.” Funny is Maria Bamford’s Sophisticated Lady voice. Funny is Brian Regan’s emergency room bit. Funny is Dave Atell, in a Not At All Safe For Work, Oh-Ho, Not Nearly way. These things are very amusing. There is nothing at all amusing about someone telling you that they identify as bisexual but have never had a relationship with a person of a particular gender. This information is not a knee-slapper.
Perhaps you meant not “funny-ha-ha” but “funny-weird.” In this case, too, you have misjudged. This kind of “funny” best describes when you’re at work and you go to the bathroom, mostly because you’re bored but also because it’s 10:00 a.m. and that’s when you usually take your morning constitutional anyway, and you sit down and wait for the person in the other stall to finish up and leave before you “meditate on your high-fiber diet,” as it were, because she was there first and that’s the rule, and of course she takes four hours at the sink, just GO, and after you do your thing while thinking, “Do I surf the internet too much at work? I’m an awful person,” you turn around to flush with your foot, but you see your poop is a bit…green. Why is it greenish?
Well, that’s funny.
Then you remember that you had blue chip nachos the night before. Crisis averted. [flush]
But being bisexual and never having had a relationship with someone of a certain gender is not odd, or even interesting. Many people of all sexualities know what sorts of people attract them before they have relationships. If you are under the impression that she needs to have a relationship with people of at least two different genders to prove to herself, the world, and you that she is bisexual, alas, you are wrong again. Bisexuality needs no validation.
Moving on: you ask whether she prefers men or women. Your ex-girlfriend prefers men, women, and probably other genders as well. That’s what it is to be bisexual. To be honest, there are many things in this world that I do not understand without a thorough discussion during which I might ask several clarifying questions. Friends the world over are experts in subjects with which I have, at best, a passing acquaintance. I remind myself of this when I am asked to explain something to another who is just being introduced to a concept that I have known for many years. But for the life of me, I cannot fathom what is so hard for some people to understand about the basic idea of bisexuality. It’s when a person has romantic and/or sexual feelings for people who are the same gender and different genders from him/herself. You know what it isn’t? Rocket science.
As for just being an experience for her, you might know if she gave you any indication that you were just an experience for her. Her bisexuality is no such indicator. And I’m sure she does reject things about her sexuality. When she is bombarded day in and day out with bitter messages against her identity that range from disheartening to disgusting, even from the people in life who she most hoped would support her — like her girlfriend — then it’s nigh on impossible to prevent the infection of internalized biphobia. Being treated according to stereotypes instead of as a human being can wear on a gal.
In a conversation with an artist friend a few months back, I said that I loved public art but had such trouble interpreting it because there were no curators to help me. She explained that I needed to participate more, to actively bring to the table my thoughts and feelings on the piece. It was an A-ha Moment for me, and it made me aware of other instances in which people wanted answers to the mysteries of life without having to lift a finger. In your case, you took the initiative to write to me but did you read any other Ask Tiggy letters to get some sense of bisexuality? Did you read anything on the Bisexual Resource Center website? These questions are rhetorical, as you would never have written the letter above if you made even a small effort to understand.
I don’t know if you can get your girlfriend back because you’ve told me exactly nothing about your relationship, save for your belief that its negatives all hinge on her bisexuality. Armed with no other knowledge, I can only wager a guess that your girlfriend left to find a partner who isn’t prejudiced against her. If you care about her, you won’t try to get her back; I suspect she deserves better than what you’ve shown her so far. If you care about your future girlfriends, some of whom might be bisexual, you’ll click above where it says “Back to the BRC Website” and read up.
The lovely Evan Rachel Wood brings you Buzzfeed’s “12 Ways to Definitively Prove You’re Actually Bisexual.” Can you spot the animated GIFs they took from my Tumblr? It’s all good, Buzzfeed, the first GIFs are free!
© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.