September 3, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Two letters, one answer, Deuces. Let’s do this.

Dear Tiggy,

Recently my boyfriend told me he wasn’t sure he’s straight. He was really upset when he told me. While he said he is only attracted to women, he added that he gets off on both homosexual and heterosexual porn. As far as I know, this is the only reason he is confused.

Does this mean he is bisexual or still heterosexual? Or is it a latent homosexual tendency? I’m confused and not sure how I feel. He was really scared to tell me because he thought I would break up with him. I still love him so much but can’t help but worry about this.

-Rachel

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 45 year old man and have found over the last several years that more and more of my sexual fantasies, and almost all of the pornography I have been watching, is gay. I spoke to a girlfriend who suggested I explore it, so I had sex with another man. I haven’t been attracted to men as I encounter them, although the fantasies and pornography make me feel I seek a bisexual lifestyle.

Is it possible that I can be excited by the same sex in image and fantasy but really that is where it ends, or should I seek to be more open?

-Tom

Listen: sex is weird.

Sexual feelings and behavior are complex. Odd. Counterintuitive. Hysterical. Stenchy. People who act like they know anything about sex are lying to you and lying to themselves, especially “experts.” Sex is the only field in which you cannot even fully trust scientists.

But this I know for sure: your porn predilections are not the final word on your sexuality. I know lesbians who much prefer gay male porn, gay men who enjoy straight porn, and, yes, straight men who are consistently aroused by gay porn. And trust me, those combos are just the tip of the perverted iceberg. Friends, if you only knew what’s going on below sea-level.

Rachel, first off, there’s no such thing as a “latent homosexual tendency.” That’s some Freud-talk right there, and he was the most sexually f’ed up person the world has ever known. (He gave some poor woman a coke-laced nose job because she masturbated a lot. The hell?) In any case, if that really is the only reason your boyfriend thinks he might be bisexual, then he’s not…but if he was that upset about telling you, I suspect there may be more he’s not saying. I’d sit down with him, tell him that you can’t have a relationship without total honesty, and ask him to tell you everything. That last word leaves it open-ended so he’s more likely to spill on anything he might have been hiding regarding his sexual behavior.

Tom, it’s difficult for me to offer my perspective if I don’t know how you felt about having sex with another man. It would also help to know how hard you had to work to find this guy; that says something about the strength of your motivation to bring this fantasy to life. I do find it interesting that you hauled off and had sex with a dude (for the first time, I assume?) just because your female friend (that’s what you meant by “a girlfriend,” right?) suggested it. What I can tell you is that whether you choose to relegate your enjoyment of men to your mind or explore it more with real people is entirely up to you. Yes, either is possible.

There are a bunch of reasons people watch porn that doesn’t perfectly complement their sexuality. Some people put a premium on hot men, which they find in gay porn much more than in straight porn. Some imagine they are one of the actors/actresses. Some are entranced by what’s happening far more than who’s doing it. And sure, some people are closeted. But porn is only one small piece of anyone’s personal sexual puzzle, so instead of fixating on what this one thing might mean, we should all probably just enjoy it in whatever form we please. That’s what it’s there for.

 
Sex is weird.
 

Talk about it, Heart.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 5, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a bi woman in a relationship with a man whom I love and we have a great sex life. I still masturbate sometimes and when I do, I like to look at pictures and videos of naked women. I’m worried that he’ll find out that I like female porn and feel bad about himself because of it. It kills me to think that I might make him feel like he’s not enough for me or not what I want, or that he doesn’t turn me on. None of that is true at all! I just like mainstream female porn when I masturbate, I don’t know why.

Should I give up the porn entirely? I suppose I could incorporate it into our sex life but I don’t want to. Is it OK for me to like this stuff? If he ever finds out that this is what I like to masturbate to, is there anything I can say so that he doesn’t feel terrible about it?

—Pornland

It’s OK for you to like that stuff, and I think that’s the issue at hand here. I think if you start to see how many people – women, especially – enjoy porn and how varied our interests are, the shame angle of your story will dissipate and you’ll feel a lot less anxious about this. I get that you’re sincerely concerned for your boyfriend’s feelings but I also think that you’re projecting your discomfort onto him.

To get good with your totally normal porn appreciation, make a plan to go to a women-only event or two at the nearest progressive, women-owned sex shop, e.g. Good Vibrations in Boston and San Francisco, Babeland in Seattle and NYC, Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis and Denver, etc. I think it’ll do you good to see so many other women who are cool with whatever might turn them on. After that, summon up the courage to ask a few of your own female friends if they ever look at porn.

Next, pick up Violet Blue’s A Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn. The book is a review of how women can find porn that they like and addresses the obstacles therein, including how formulaic it is, the typical anti-women content, and more. The very first section in the first chapter is entitled, “Women Are Turned on by Explicit Imagery, Period.” A validating read, for sure.

Finally, you can keep your mainstream female porn all to yourself if you like, but I suggest that you try some new things in bed with your boyfriend – toys, other kinds of porn, the sky’s the limit. The sex shops listed above will be helpful in getting your creative (and, uh, other) juices flowing in that regard. I hear that your sex life is “great” but I don’t know if that means there’s a lot of variety there. See, I doubt that mainstream female porn is the only thing that gets you going. Once you find some other sexual funsies that you and your dude can share, the fact that you have this one thing that you want to keep to yourself won’t bother you as much. If your boyfriend ever does stumble upon your masturbatory preferences, both of you will already be confident that your joint sex life is dynamic and multi-faceted, so I doubt it will feel threatening to him.

One last thing: do you think you and he might start an ongoing conversation on what it means to you to be bi? That’s the other thing I’m picking up on: your need to completely compartmentalize your desire for women and your desire for men, at least in front of your boyfriend.

Alright, now go ahead and start the best homework anyone’s ever been given.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.