Dear Tiggy,
My name is Jessica and I’m 18 years old. Up until now, I identified as straight and never questioned it. But last year, I started developing feelings for two female friends of mine, so over the past month I’ve begun identifying as bisexual.
My uneasiness is that I’m afraid that it’s just a “phase” and that sometime in the future, I’ll be straight again. I’ve told a few close friends about this and they are all supportive of my feelings, but my mom believes that it’s a phase and that I’m just being a teenager.
My feelings for these girls are different than how I’ve liked guys: not as intense, not quite as sexual, but I still like them more than any of my other female friends. It’s more than just wanting to be their close friend.
If my bisexuality is a phase, I want to stop it and just be straight. I don’t like being in-between, if that makes sense. I don’t feel the same sexual tension around the girl I like than I have around a boy I’ve liked, and sometimes I worry that that means I’m not really bisexual. Any thoughts on the subject would be unbelievably helpful. Thank you.
-Jessica
Let’s unpack the idea of a “phase,” shall we?
If a woman has romantic relationships and sex with only women throughout her adolescence and adulthood until, at age 42, she falls in love with a man and has a monogamous marriage with him for the rest of her life, was her lesbianism just a phase? Or was her attraction to that man just a phase, cut short by her untimely demise at age 94?
If a man has sex with exactly the same number of men as women, dates exactly the same number of men as women, and has equally long relationships with — you guessed it — exactly the same number of men as women, is he in a phase? If so, which part of his behavior is the phase?
What kind of dating involving trans, genderqueer, or intersex people is considered a bisexual phase?
If roughly as many gays and lesbians decide to have relationships with the opposite sex as bisexuals decide to identify as homosexual, why isn’t homosexuality labeled a “phase”?
What is the time limit on a phase? What is the maximum number of relationships in a phase? How many discrete stints of dating a particular gender of person does it take to graduate from a phase?
You’re getting my point, I’m sure. When it comes to bisexuality, the “phase” label is arbitrary, yet never in our favor. It is true that people at certain points in their lives – particularly teenagers – go through developmental stages and experiment with various behaviors and points of view. However, you will not find a shred of scientific research that portrays bisexuality as a developmental phase.
When something as ubiquitous as this theory does not bear out by logic, you know that the answer is emotional. Only a painful history of bisexual oppression explains this ever-present, condescending label. It is a moniker put upon us by others who are not allies. Its intention is to debilitate us as a community, as people. Regrettably, many of us have internalized it.
As to whether you personally are experiencing a phase, my answer is that it doesn’t matter. I apologize for the cliché but life really is about the journey, not the destination. Whether you’ll feel this way in a year, or ten years, or forever, or only until 4:38 p.m. on Thursday is of little consequence. You feel this way now. Your life is now.
Jessica, there is little choice in having these feelings, but you possess all the agency in how you respond to them. Thus far, you’ve shown real honesty and courage. Keep going, you’re doing great.
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.