Two letters, one answer, Deuces. Let’s do this.
Dear Tiggy,
Recently my boyfriend told me he wasn’t sure he’s straight. He was really upset when he told me. While he said he is only attracted to women, he added that he gets off on both homosexual and heterosexual porn. As far as I know, this is the only reason he is confused.
Does this mean he is bisexual or still heterosexual? Or is it a latent homosexual tendency? I’m confused and not sure how I feel. He was really scared to tell me because he thought I would break up with him. I still love him so much but can’t help but worry about this.
-Rachel
Dear Tiggy,
I am a 45 year old man and have found over the last several years that more and more of my sexual fantasies, and almost all of the pornography I have been watching, is gay. I spoke to a girlfriend who suggested I explore it, so I had sex with another man. I haven’t been attracted to men as I encounter them, although the fantasies and pornography make me feel I seek a bisexual lifestyle.
Is it possible that I can be excited by the same sex in image and fantasy but really that is where it ends, or should I seek to be more open?
-Tom
Listen: sex is weird.
Sexual feelings and behavior are complex. Odd. Counterintuitive. Hysterical. Stenchy. People who act like they know anything about sex are lying to you and lying to themselves, especially “experts.” Sex is the only field in which you cannot even fully trust scientists.
But this I know for sure: your porn predilections are not the final word on your sexuality. I know lesbians who much prefer gay male porn, gay men who enjoy straight porn, and, yes, straight men who are consistently aroused by gay porn. And trust me, those combos are just the tip of the perverted iceberg. Friends, if you only knew what’s going on below sea-level.
Rachel, first off, there’s no such thing as a “latent homosexual tendency.” That’s some Freud-talk right there, and he was the most sexually f’ed up person the world has ever known. (He gave some poor woman a coke-laced nose job because she masturbated a lot. The hell?) In any case, if that really is the only reason your boyfriend thinks he might be bisexual, then he’s not…but if he was that upset about telling you, I suspect there may be more he’s not saying. I’d sit down with him, tell him that you can’t have a relationship without total honesty, and ask him to tell you everything. That last word leaves it open-ended so he’s more likely to spill on anything he might have been hiding regarding his sexual behavior.
Tom, it’s difficult for me to offer my perspective if I don’t know how you felt about having sex with another man. It would also help to know how hard you had to work to find this guy; that says something about the strength of your motivation to bring this fantasy to life. I do find it interesting that you hauled off and had sex with a dude (for the first time, I assume?) just because your female friend (that’s what you meant by “a girlfriend,” right?) suggested it. What I can tell you is that whether you choose to relegate your enjoyment of men to your mind or explore it more with real people is entirely up to you. Yes, either is possible.
There are a bunch of reasons people watch porn that doesn’t perfectly complement their sexuality. Some people put a premium on hot men, which they find in gay porn much more than in straight porn. Some imagine they are one of the actors/actresses. Some are entranced by what’s happening far more than who’s doing it. And sure, some people are closeted. But porn is only one small piece of anyone’s personal sexual puzzle, so instead of fixating on what this one thing might mean, we should all probably just enjoy it in whatever form we please. That’s what it’s there for.
Sex is weird.
Talk about it, Heart.
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.