I don’t know how to handle this! My husband opened a package sent to my 18-year-old son. The package contained a dildo.
My son knows we accept gay people and I’m sure he would be comfortable telling us if he was. The thing is, he has a girlfriend and seems to just like girls. Anyway, I’m not sure how to handle the package. I wish it had never been opened. I’m sure my son is expecting it and will know one of us has it.
How should we approach this? I feel so horrible because I know he will be embarrassed.
-Scunnered in Australia
All right, calm down, everybody calm DOWN. We’re gonna get through this.
Dang it, Scunnered, I don’t know how they do it in Australia but this is why opening someone else’s mail is a federal offense here in the States. You’ve got yourself a Pandora situation on your hands.
Here’s what, though: a male person using a dildo does not necessarily mean he is gay or bisexual, or that he enjoys receiving anal sex. Anal play in and of itself does not indicate sexual orientation. At all.
When you catch your breath on that one, here’s another revelation: the dildo might not even be for him to insert into his anus. In fact, it might not be for him, period.
Maybe he’s curious to see if he’d enjoy it. Maybe it’s for a joke. Maybe he wants to use it on his girlfriend. Maybe his girlfriend wants it for herself but can’t have it mailed to her house because her parents would open it, OOPS, he has the same kind of parents, OH WELL.
No matter how you deal with it, don’t make any assumptions on your son or his sexual activities based on the fact that a surprise dildo arrived on your doorstep. I’m sure I’m not the first person to impart these words of wisdom, but I’ll bet they’ve been useful every time they’ve been uttered.
Here are some options for you:
Wrap it back up, pretend you never opened it, and leave it for your son. How feasible this is depends on how good your poker face is and how badly you destroyed the package when opening it.
Leave it with a note that says OR Hand it to your son and say, “Your father accidentally opened this. He says he’s sorry,” and leave the room (or, better, the house). Don’t mention it again. Laugh about it in about 20 years.
Sit down with him to a meal at your house and hand him the box, letting him know that your husband didn’t mean to open it. This will give him a chance to give you an excuse, if he feels like it. Then you can say, “It’s fine,” change the subject, and keep eating dinner. Unlike the second option, you won’t be anxious about the next time you see each other.
I’m sorry you feel scunnered. It must be weird having your son’s adulthood and private matters shoved into your face like that. But really, this isn’t a big deal. He’s 18 – ‘round these parts, that’s an adult. One expects that an 18-year-old guy is somewhat acquainted with the idea of sex even if he hasn’t had it yet. No need to die of embarrassment, just soldier on. Power through the awkwardness, Mom, and he’ll take that cue from you.
There was only one time in history when a toy for Master Bates spelled unmitigated disaster, and it was this thing here.
Our son, who just turned 16, had a girlfriend last year for a few months. He was crazy about her, said he felt “dizzy” when they held hands, and was quite sad when she broke it off. He has been lately getting closer and closer with his (male) best friend. They spend a lot of time together, going on long walks and such, all of which did not seem out of the ordinary. The other day, however, they were holding hands and cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. They stopped abruptly when I entered the room. Later, I peeked around the corner and they were doing it again.
He has been acting more secretive lately. My wife and I keep trying to gently give him opportunities to talk to us about it but he has not yet shared anything. We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready. I have said non-specific supportive things to him lately, like that he can always talk to us about anything and asking him if there’s anything on his mind. He seems uncomfortable so I don’t push further than that. But we want to educate ourselves and be ready in case he springs it on us.
We know a lot about gay feelings (and are very comfortable with all of it) from our long experience with our many gay friends, but we do not have any bisexual friends and we feel like we know very little about what that is like, particularly for a teen. I have no idea if he even can categorize himself at this young age, nor do I want him to feel pressured to label himself. I suppose he probably falls into the “questioning” area right now, but still, we want to be able to talk to him about it whenever he feels ready. Also, we don’t know his friend’s parents very well and we don’t know if they know about this relationship; I think it is unlikely. We feel, just as we would if he were getting close and affectionate with a girl, that we don’t want him dating someone in secret.
My question, then, is this: is there anything we should know about the process of coming out as bisexual, compared with coming out as gay? Unlike other parents of gay kids who say they “knew for years” because of their child’s behavior, my son has never exhibited any outward signs of being gay, nor has he ever said or done anything that would have tipped us off. That said, he also is not nearly as girl-crazy as I was at 16. No Victoria’s Secret catalogs under the bed, but no International Male either. I am just scared of saying the wrong thing when he does decide to share with me, I want him to feel loved and happy, but at the same time he is so young and I remember how confusing everything is at this age. I know teenagers experiment sometimes but what constitutes experimenting and at what point has he crossed over into identity? I don’t want to belittle his feelings by suggesting that this is “just a phase”…but might it be?
Anyway, this is a long essay — sorry — but I am really experiencing a lot of confusing feelings myself right now, and any advice would be appreciated.
-Michael
1/3/2015 Dear Tiggy,
I just read the “For Parents” essay on the BRC website; I don’t know how I missed it the first time. It answered most of the questions I asked you! I am so sorry I didn’t check that first. If you know Robert Barton, please tell him THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Very helpful and informative. I still have one thing, though, that I could use advice on, so I will rephrase the question:
I wouldn’t feel right outing the other kid to his family if he is not ready, but I also don’t feel that I should allow my son to be dating this boy and doing anything physical with their son — even kissing and holding hands — if they don’t know about it. Any advice on how I should approach this?
If the other boy (also 16) is not ready or willing to tell his parents then I feel I should I tell my son he has to put the brakes on this thing until his friend has spoken to them. Once he has done that, and then in turn they have had a discussion with me and my wife, then I think we can figure out where we all are, but at least there will be no secrets.
If I tell my son that this is the way it has to be, I’m afraid it will be like I’m “forbidding” my son from seeing someone he cares about, but it seems to me that there are issues here that would apply to any parents, no matter what their kid’s sexual identity is. I would want the same thing if my son were involved with a girl, so it seems like it’s no different, but I think maybe it is different because of the issue of outing.
-Michael
Firstly, you and your wife are doing really well in handling this in a loving and supportive manner. Keep up the absolutely excellent work. It’s a relief to the entire bisexual community that people like you exist.
It’s good to get into the habit of treating an LGBT relationship the same way you’d treat a hetero one; it speaks to your sense of fairness. Here’s the thing, though: a romantic relationship your teenage son is having with another boy is different in a couple of ways than one with a girl. It needs to be treated as such mostly for reasons surrounding safety because society rejects same-sex relationships.
If you don’t know the other boy’s parents, then you don’t know whether outing him would endanger his physical or emotional safety. Please acknowledge that he could end up beaten, homeless, humiliated, and so forth, and that those consequences are not unlikely. I know someone from one of the most liberal areas of the U.S. who, when her parents discovered that she was in a same-sex relationship, was sent to exorcists. You do not have the right to put someone in that position, particularly a child, simply to enforce a personal tenet of transparency in relationships.
Even if the response from his family (and friends, and school…these things have a way of getting around) isn’t that bad, outing someone is a terrible thing to do. It robs a person of privacy and control over their own identity.
If your son were dating a girl and hiding the relationship, it would probably be because one of them was cheating, ashamed of the other, or had parents who did not approve. It makes sense that you would not support anything like that. But in not announcing a same-sex relationship, your son is trying to protect himself from bullying while figuring out his feelings without undue pressure. These seem to me like fine reasons to keep a relationship under wraps.
Attentive parents tend to want to know who their child is dating because they are interested in their kid’s life and have a responsibility to guide their son/daughter. But let’s be real here: a major reason that a parent might want to restrain their teenager’s romantic relationships is the possibility of pregnancy. That’s not an issue here.
You say: “We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready” (italics mine). These are excellent instincts. Know that that necessarily means not forcing his hand by insisting that he be out on your terms. I sense that you’re uncomfortable with the lack of control you have over all this…imagine how your son feels. I think you should continue offering general support but otherwise give your son some space to sort out his feelings. Know that he must feel so much safer to understand through your gestures that you have his back. And he gets that, trust me. Dads are never as subtle as they think!
By the way, it’s perfectly fine for you to kindly insist — without providing a reason — that he leave the door open when hanging out with this guy. You’re still his parent and it’s still your house. I doubt he’ll ask why this rule suddenly cropped up.
I’m 12 and I know for sure that I’m bi, although I like females a little more than I like males. I feel really scared to tell my parents. My family despises the LGBT community and I’m afraid that if I tell them, they’ll never accept me. I am planning on having my principal help me come out to my parents. I go to a Catholic school, so I feel like an outsider. How do I come out to my parents without them treating me differently and how can I be more proud of who I am?
-Kayla
July 8, 2014 Dear Tiggy,
I am planning on coming out to my parents with the help of my principal on October 11 (Coming Out Day) which is a week after my birthday. How do I cope with the negative reaction my parents will have finding out that their 12-year-old daughter is bi? How do I feel proud about being bi in a Catholic school?
-Kayla
July 30, 2014 Dear Tiggy,
I’m 12 years old and I’ll be turning 13 years old in October but I am 110% positive that I’m bi. I go to a Catholic school and I’m really worried about me coming out in that type of environment. I told a couple of my closest friends at school about it and they have become my biggest supporters. My friend helped me talk to my principal about it and she told me to wait until I turn 13 to confirm it.
I still strongly believe that I’m bi but I’m too afraid to tell my parents. My parents aren’t okay with the LGBT community at all so it’s hard for me to deal with the fact that eventually I have to tell them that I’m a part of it. How do I come out in a way for them to accept me and how should I react if they don’t? Also, what are the some pros and cons about coming out?
-Kayla
Kayla, you’ve found my weakness: being relentlessly pursued! I do love a good chase. Well, you finally caught me, you ol’ saucebox, so I think that means I have to grant you three wishes. I hope advice on your three questions will suffice. Fortunately for me, they’re all the same question.
I think the query I get more than any other is “How do I come out?” but it comes in different packages. Most Wild Deuces write to me with just that line and little to no other information. I can’t help those people; coming out is such a personal act and any tips I might have to ensure safety and increase the chances of a positive response would be extremely specific to each situation.
Often when I get that plea, I’m unsure of what the letter writer is really asking. Coming out is not really about the “how.” There are many ways you could come out, whether armed with further educational material or empty-handed, canned or improv, with a bang or a whimper. It’s more about the “why” and the “should I?” — do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Again, it’s crucial that the answers are specialized to the coming-outer.
I see that you’ve already answered both “should I?” and “how.” Asking your Catholic school principal for help is a bold move, and rather brilliant. It will be good to have an adult with you to mediate the interaction, and from your description she sounds like a level-headed lady. You’ve also developed a cadre of supporters among your friends, for which you’ll be especially thankful as you work this out with your family.
I understand that you want your parents to accept you and not treat you differently but this is the part where your only option is to adjust your expectations. The fact is, your family is Catholic (I assume) and you know they don’t like LGBT people. There is a small chance that they’ll have an immediate change of heart about queer people once they realize that their beloved child is one. You need to prepare, though, for the more likely possibility that this is going to take a lot of getting used to for them. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have recommended that you come out right now considering how long six more years under their roof and in a Catholic school will feel if they take this badly. But it sounds like you’re determined and you’ve laid some excellent groundwork for your big post-birthday surprise.
Here are a few tips that might be useful:
Read the BRC’s “Coming Out As Bi” webpage in the “Youth” section and watch the videos.
Get in touch with a queer youth organization in your area to bolster your support network.
Read this letter to parents of bi kids. If you think it would be helpful to your parents, print it out and give it to them when you come out.
If your parents are struggling with reconciling your bisexuality with their faith, point them toward the Dignity website.
Like I told this other Deuce, don’t tell them you think that “everyone is bisexual.” Speak to your own feelings.
They will almost definitely claim that you’re too young to know what your sexuality is and that this is a phase. Probably what would work best is not to engage in the argument at all, simply replying, “I want you to be prepared if it isn’t.”
I think your real question, the real question behind every coming out letter I get, is, “How can I come out so that nothing will change?” You can’t. You can’t make them have the perfect reaction. Life is messy. But you’re opening the door to something more authentic, more magical, more you than you can imagine.
Here’s 13-year-old Jojo encouraging you to Get Out (of the closet). That’s peer support right there.
I’m 15 years old and just started to fully accept that I’m bi within the past year. All of my friends know and pretty much the whole school knows, too. I have faced some bullying but was always able to brush it off, say something witty, make them look stupid, and leave them babbling as they ran away in defeat.
Right now, I have a girlfriend and even though it’s only been a month, I love her very much. For our one-month anniversary, I thought it would be a nice surprise if I told my mom about is. My mom had asked me once or twice if I was a lesbian but I never wanted to tell her anything for fear that she wouldn’t accept me.
Because I couldn’t talk to her face-to-face, I wrote her a long letter explaining everything. Even though she replied that it is OK if I’m not straight, she basically told me that she does not accept my lifestyle, that I have no clue what I’m even saying, and that I’m just setting myself up for bad things in the future. I told her that I know what I’m getting into but she just tells me over and over that I have no clue.
I feel like she hates me and I keep beating myself up over it because it was stupid of me to tell her anything. But what happened happened, and there is no going back. Now I’m trying to find things to help her understand who I am. Are there any websites or anything that you could please give me to make it easier to explain to her? I could use a lot of help right now.
-Kitty
I’m sorry that your coming out to your mom didn’t go so well. But I’m ordering you to stop beating yourself up and start patting yourself on the back. You totally came out! You’ve successfully deflected bullying! You have a girlfriend who you love! You’re doing great!
And while I don’t know you or your mom, please trust me on this because I’m 100% sure: your mom does not hate you. She’s worried about you and she wants to protect you. You’re smart to want to give her resources because it sounds like she’s not sure how to wrap her head around all this.
Ask her to read this letter. It’s from a father of five specifically to parents whose child has just come out as bi. There’s lots of good info in there. Suggest to her that she surf around the rest of the Bisexual Resource Center’s website, too, for more ideas and thoughts on bisexuality in general.
Then, show her the website for PFLAG –- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Don’t let the name throw you; this preeminent support organization for parents and friends of queer people is bi-friendly. Not only does PFLAG offer excellent information, but it also provides peer-led support groups all over the country. When she’s ready, help your mom find the local PFLAG chapter and encourage her to attend. She’ll meet other parents like her who have gone through a child coming out to them. They can relate to her and guide her through this process.
Keep your head up, Kitty. It was a sweet idea for an anniversary present, and maybe it didn’t go over like a tickertape parade but you’re on the right track. It’s clear that your mother loves you and wants the best for you. Give her some resources and a little time to adjust. I have a good feeling about this.