September 30, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I am pretty sure that I am bisexual, and I have had crushes on both men and women since I was twelve. I am nineteen now and I have never felt safe or comfortable telling anybody about my sexual orientation.

My older sister has a severe personality disorder, and will likely never marry or have kids, which makes me feel a lot of pressure to be the daughter that my parents didn’t get the first time around. If I told them what I was, I know they would be supportive but they would also be upset and I can’t bring any more grief into their lives.

Also, I highly value my friendships with heterosexual girls, and even though I have never been attracted to a straight girl, I am worried that they would feel uncomfortable with me if I came out to them.

My question for you is, do some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives and does this have a negative effect on them? All I want is to be happy.

-Eliza

Nah, you couldn’t care less about making yourself happy. You want to make sure everyone around you is happy, even if it kills you. Maybe especially if it kills you. You, my lovely lady, have a martyr complex.

Here are some things that are not your job:

  • To be the daughter your parents want /“deserve”
  • To produce a son-in-law and grandkids for your parents
  • To eliminate all grief in your parents’ lives
  • To assure your straight friends that you are not sexually or romantically interested in them
  • To ensure that those who interact with you are comfortable with your identity and your personal behavior, even at the expense of your own comfort
  • To be perfect for everyone else

Yes, some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives. And yes, living a life that does not feel authentic has terrible effects on virtually all who attempt it, including feeling isolated, unfulfilled, and phony.

Here’s a better choice: find other ways to feel in control of your environment without resorting to self-sacrifice. Develop a practice of self-care. Make choices about yourself that benefit you, and let friends and loved ones manage their own disappointment.

A martyr complex is probably the nicest of all of the complexes, but it isn’t nice to you. And your happiness matters.

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of four months is bisexual and I am gay. I know this because he was open about it from the start. What he was not open about, however, was the fact that for the first two months we dated, he was also sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. She found out about me and told me about their relationship, and about the fact that he had already cheated on her several times with men while they were dating.

The girlfriend has now gone off to college (he’s 19, she’s 18, I’m 25), and the two of us are happy and reported to be monogamous. Problem is, she’s coming back for a fall break in October, and I’m confident they will have sex again every time she’s back in town.

I have no problem with him sleeping with women (trying to be GGG and a supportive boyfriend, giving him the freedom to have fun with parts I do not have) but I don’t want him sleeping with women he was at one point in love with!

Ugh. Am I crazy to be with him? Crazy to deny him sex with the ex? Crazy for dating a 19 year old, when clearly we’re in very different maturity stages in our lives? Part of me wants to leave him because I know this will only lead to future cheating and dishonesty, but I think I love him.

-Luke

I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, you’ve assessed the situation quite realistically. Most un-crazy monogamish folks have some kind of lines to draw in their relationships, and the boundary that you’re trying to set (i.e. no ex sex) is not unreasonable. You recognize and even articulate that your and his life stages are not aligned and that expecting him to adhere to this (albeit fair) rule is impractical.

No, not crazy at all — or, any more than the lot of us who have been in a similar situation. You’re just human, and hope burns eternal in the human heart. You’re clear-eyed enough to be 99% sure that this is going to end badly but there’s that 1% of you that secretly believes this might work out beautifully unless proven otherwise. It’s unfortunate but it appears that your heart has donned its powdered wig, taken its gavel, and proclaimed that Boyfriend Defendant cannot be convicted without evidence.

Looks like you’re going to have to ride this one out to its probably painful conclusion.

Go easy on yourself. It takes herculean strength — and then some — to say no to love, even stupid love. I predict that when you come out the other end of this, the next time someone dwarfed by your maturity entices you to board this particular merry-go-round, you’ll have the experience to say, “Nope, not again.”

Time to get selfish, Eliza. Or, as the French say, egoiste.


And speaking of French, Amelie adorably shows you how a martyr complex loses its flavor.


Crazy stupid love. Is there any other kind?

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 8, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Settle in, Wild Deuces, for another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

Today I was called a “miserable dyke” by someone who doesn’t even know I’m bi. No one but strangers on the Internet do.

Do you have any suggestions on how to cope with such negative energy and finding the courage to come out even if people won’t accept me?

-Bi Girl

To be honest, one thing I’ve learned from being bisexual is that feeling hated is actually rather freeing. When it seems that you can’t please anyone, there’s not a thing stopping you from doing what you know to be right for yourself. Evidently, people are going to call you a dyke whether they know you’re queer or not. Under circumstances like that, you might as well come out on your own terms.

It’s understandable to want to wait until you think the world is ready to accept you before you come out. Unfortunately, depending on your immediate environment and where you set the bar for acceptance, your current wait time is somewhere between exceedingly long and forever. Better, I think, to come out when it’s more comfortable to be out than not.

When you make friends who are queer, socializing with and supporting each other, it starts to feel like more of a hassle to be closeted. When you date someone special and want the world to know — as does ze* — coming out begins to look attractive. As these people become a part of your life, you begin to internalize the good things about being LGBT, and you’re suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of hiding an authentic facet of yourself that isn’t bad at all.

If you feel the comfort scale tip to the other side of the closet door, that’s when it’s time. You have a lot of agency in making that happen. Reach out to the bi community and give us a chance to reach back.

Dear Tiggy,

I have been in a same-sex relationship for three years; my mother does not approve. However, I have been able to keep my love life and my family life separate.

Now that I am 31 years old (i.e. not getting any younger!), it is getting to me that these two parts of my life have almost no interaction. It feels like a juggling act that has been going on for way too long.

My dilemma is, I love my girlfriend but I also love my mother. I have trouble swallowing the usual advice that I get – “It’s your life and you should do what you want” – because I want my mother in my life just as much as my girlfriend.

Should I sacrifice my relationship with my girlfriend? I am attracted to guys as well, and figure I would be able to eventually find someone. But I don’t want to regret my decision later. I know there isn’t a clear cut answer on this one but…HELP!

-KT

Quite a different situation from our friend above, and yet the advice holds. You’ve kept your worlds discrete so far because it’s the least unpleasant choice among your admittedly less-than-ideal options. Or it was. It sounds like your life isn’t very pleasant anymore.

In your position, the partner is typically a main driver in bringing the situation to a head because ze refuses to be treated like a dirty little secret. Many times, the onus is on them to make the closeted one uncomfortable because otherwise nothing will change. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend has pressured you in that way, though. It makes me sad to see you describing your relationship with her as if it were disposable. I wonder if she senses that you feel that way and that’s why she hasn’t pushed you to intermingle your worlds.

If you do break up with her, I think you might be surprised at how little control you have over falling in love again. You may well fall for another woman; then what will you do? And even if you connect with a man or stay single, that pain of not being able to be your whole self with your mother may always be there.

In the same way that your girlfriend might not have enough faith in your relationship to push you to come out to your family, I think you might not be confident that your mother loves you enough to remain in your life if you’re out. That, too, makes me sad.

I think you need to reframe this in your mind: it isn’t a choice between your girlfriend and your mother. This is much bigger than that. It’s between living your life with integrity vs. having to contort yourself to keep someone’s love. It’s about giving your mother an opportunity to love the real you. I think you need a therapist to help you through these feelings, preferably one who specializes in bi clients and/or family dynamics. They can help you decide how uncomfortable is enough.

*gender-neutral pronoun

It’s OK to say “when”.
Regarding_Henry_43655_Medium

Let the Four Tops give it to you like this, Bi Girl.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 15, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

It’s been over seven years since I came out to my mom the first time but I feel like I went through the stress of coming out for nothing.

Noticed I said that I came out “the first time”? We talked about it that day and briefly afterwards, but it’s now as though that conversation never happened. I feel as though I’m constantly coming out to her, or even that I’m still closeted. I understand that it can be hard to adjust to a child coming out, and it’s been easy to ignore because I’ve only had relationships with men since, but she rarely acknowledges that I ever said anything about liking women.

About two years after coming out, when I mentioned some sort of support meeting (it might have been PFLAG) her response was, “I thought we were done with this.” When finding my book of pin-up models, she asked why I had it. Seven years is a long time to keep fighting for recognition, never mind the times I don’t make a comment because I don’t feel like I’m “out enough” to say it.

Is there anything I can do so that I don’t have to keep coming out over and over again? I don’t want to have gone through all of that only to still feel closeted.

-Luna

You want your mom to accept you for what you are and not expect you to change at some point. In order to keep your sanity, you have to do that for her.

Accept that she can’t handle your bisexuality, doesn’t want to talk about it, and will go so far as to push you into engaging in her preferred reality for you. This is who she is now, maybe forever. I don’t know whether you ever had a relationship with her in which you could openly talk about who you’re dating, but you need to come to grips with the fact that you don’t now. In this way, you can protect yourself from the utter exhaustion of constant contention. (Meanwhile, be sure to join/build a community with bisexuals and allies with whom you can share your entire self.)

At the same time, answer her directly when she prods you. “Where are you volunteering on Sunday?” gets “A PFLAG meeting.” “Why is this pin-up book here?” gets “Why wouldn’t it be?” “I thought we were done with this” gets “I will never be ‘done’ with being bisexual.” You’ll feel better about yourself if you don’t actively enable her to “forget” that you’re bisexual. She’ll learn pretty quickly that if she goes digging for it, she’ll strike gold every time.

Likewise, if she notices that there’s some distance between you two and asks about it, tell her directly that she seems uncomfortable talking about your activities having to do with bisexuality (or sexual identity, or dating in general, etc. – wherever you choose to draw the line), so you don’t talk about them anymore. It should become clear to her that her attempts to police your sexuality only serve to limit your shared relationship.

It’s critical, though, that you don’t do any of this in the hopes of forcing her hand. Do not anticipate your mom giving you the relationship you want with her. If you don’t want her to prompt you to change, you owe her the same respect. The goal of setting these boundaries should be to keep your self-esteem intact as a bisexual person. I applaud your patience, Luna, and hope you know that the worldwide family of Wild Deuces will always recognize you as one of our pack.

In honor of the above-described Bisexual Groundhog Day Effect, I present to you “Round and Round.” (Yes, of course a bisexual advice column is featuring the video of the greatest hit from ’80s hair band, Ratt.) Please enjoy a cameo appearance by heterosexual drag queen, Milton Berle.

In other news, this Buzzfeed is the second best thing on the internet this month, the first being the weather reports.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 21, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

First, thanks for what you do. This site has been a very calming place for me as I’m trying to make a safe, comfortable place for my 16-year old son to talk to me.

I learned recently, through social media, that he is searching for a gender identity. From what I gather, he feels like a male most all the time, but really wants to have the freedom to be pretty and/or feminine when he chooses, without creating a scene.

Because he cosplays often, people accept his “dressing up” as character role play and he gets a lot of positive attention from it. But the fallback is that he feels no one takes his feminine side seriously.

Unfortunately, I have been unknowingly insensitive in the past when photos of him in a dress, or with makeup on have popped up on Tumblr accounts. I really thought he was just doing it for laughs so I razzed him a bit. Now, I’m afraid he won’t open up, even though I told him that his mom and I love him unconditionally.

I appreciate your insights on taking a deep breath and waiting on his timeline, not mine. I don’t mind his curiosity, but I’m concerned he’s getting his answers from strangers who have speculative knowledge at best and present themselves as “expert.”

One of your articles expressed the frustration out there when trying to get good information. I feel his personality type (sweet and accommodating) is easy prey for a charismatic, self-described “authority.”

In your opinion, do you think the conflicting (or bad) information he collects is more helpful or harmful when it comes to formulating his self image?

-Jack

Jack, people like you are the reason that the rest of us haven’t yet lost hope for this world. You are the raddest of dads. I’m so pleased to hear that this site is helpful to you; it certainly sounds like you’re doing all of the right things…

…except, OK, you ragged on him about the dressing up but you didn’t do it out of malice. You made a mistake. Forgive yourself — literally, right now. Then find a few minutes alone with him to come clean about it: “Listen, I just want you to know that I feel bad for making jokes about the things you wore on Tumblr. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m sorry.” Done and done. Both of you are going to feel a lot better once you clear the air on that front.

As far as bad facts from sketchy characters go, it sounds like your son might benefit from building his critical thinking skills. (Gender issues aside, it’s best not to send any young adult into the wild blue yonder without ensuring those are at the ready.) At the dinner table, make a point to talk about current events in a way that encourages him to question informational sources. Hopefully, he’ll show you that he’s a bit more savvy than you think.

In Rachel Carson’s seminal book on environmentalism, Silent Spring, she advises that the best way to get rid of crabgrass isn’t to drown it in pesticides, it’s to plant regular grass on top of it. And that’s your best bet here, too: provide your son with good information to overpower the bad. You’re hard at work letting him know that he can trust and talk to you — that’s excellent. When he comes to you, you’ll want to be stocked with leafy green knowledge from…

1.) reading Transgender Explained for Those Who Are Not by Joanne Herman, and

2.) attending a few meetings of your nearest PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Gays and Lesbians) chapter specifically for parents of transgender and/or gender variant children.

You’ll want to also gently steer him toward reputable information sources that are interesting to him. If, like dear old Dad, he’s a fan of advice columns, have him take a look at “Ask a Trans Woman” by the wise and uber-compassionate Lorelei Erisis in The Rainbow Times. The backlog of her columns should keep him busy with answers to most of his questions. Lorelei herself recommends the blogs We Happy Trans for easily accessible perspectives, as well as TransAdvocate as a general news source. She adds that trans activist Kate Bornstein’s book, Gender Outlaw, blew her mind when it came out, so she’s confident that Bornstein’s 2010 publication, Gender Outlaw: The Next Generation, could provide a similar experience to your kid. The book has essays, comics, and interviews from a diverse group of trans people…wouldn’t your son be psyched if you left a copy in his room?

Before I sign off, Jack, a caution: if you take these suggestions, you’ll come dangerously close to being “the cool dad.” The kids around town will start talking: “Did you hear that Dana’s dad gave him a copy of the new Gender Outlaw? My father won’t even let me watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.” “I hear that his dad was the one who turned him onto We Happy Trans. Do you think that could even be true?” Shy, gender variant teens will begin to moon around your house, pretending you’re their dad. They’ll hope for perhaps a brief exchange — “Hi, Mr. Rosenthropple.” “Get off my lawn.” — to replay in their minds and spin into legend. Someone will start a Twitter account posting only overheard snippets of your conversations. It will have 37 followers within the first 24 hours. A lone, bold teen will obtain your personal email address through nefarious means and summon her courage to use it to ask you for trans blog recommendations. Your own teenager will no longer seem as embarrassed by your mere existence.

You’ve been warned.
 
Being “the cool dad” is a damned sight better than what “the cool mom” devolved into.
 


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 12, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Sending all my love to the Wild Deuces who caught Bilicious Boston on one of the TWO nights we had it this past weekend. Never forget that bisexuals are everywhere!

Dear Tiggy,

My best friend recently came out as bisexual to me. His sexuality doesn’t make any difference to me and I was very supportive of him since he hasn’t told anyone else.

I would like to give him some sound advice on how to tell his parents because his mother is very…I don’t think “homophobic” is the right word, but she’s not as tolerant as he would like and he’s afraid to tell her.

I suggested perhaps mentioning that I myself am bisexual and seeing how she reacted to that news in order to gauge how she feels about it in general. But I would love to be able to help him out more. He’s my best friend in the whole world and I’m so glad he felt that he could tell me something so personal.

He’s been feeling depressed lately and I’m afraid that’s why. He can’t be honest with the main people in his life.

Any advice?

-Chloe

I’m sure it kills you to see him so down and you want to do whatever it takes to make him happy again, but I don’t think you appreciate what a lifeline you’re already providing to him. You’re a main person in his life and he can be honest with you. How great is that?!

If you’ve ever been to Bilicious, you know that there’s a question and answer period with the performers at the end. At our last show, an audience member asked about how she might come out to her parents. Michael replied that he came out to his father by slipping it into conversation at a family barbecue. He had mentioned his involvement with the Bisexual Resource Center and his father said, “So, what are you, the token straight guy?” And Michael responded, “No, I’m bisexual, hey, can you pass the ketchup, Mom, is there going to be corn on the cob?” Karin suggested that the audience member put a positive spin on it. She broached the topic with her own mother like so: “I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationships with people lately and I’ve discovered a really cool new thing about myself. I’m excited about it and I want to share it with you.”

As you can see, there are various ways to come out and each one is very specific to the parental relationship at hand. That’s why I think you should back away from telling your friend how (and when — does he even want to come out right now?) to tell his mother. It might not be emotionally safe for him to do this now, or with her, or before he does something else, etc. Let him navigate his own path.

I do see where you were going with the “Tell her I’m bi” plan, and there is a certain logic to it, but I don’t think it’s going to be effective. Some parents are OK with everyone being bi…except their own kid. Other parents thoughtlessly rattle off bigoted statements until their kid is personally involved, at which point they realize that their love for their child trumps all of that stuff they thought they believed.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Try to support his choices as he goes through this process. Listen to him. If you’re not sure what to say, ask questions about how he feels so you can listen some more. Listening feels like it’s passive but it makes a tremendous difference. And like I told the Golden Girls, thank you for being a friend, Chloe. It gets better for people like him because of friends like you.

 
It’s about time I pulled this one out.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 23, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter has informed my wife and me that she is bisexual. I am very supportive and accepting of her decision. However, she wants to “come out” on her Facebook page. I am curious if that is really the way to do it. I think she should tell her “true” friends and family, as I don’t really feel it matters what the rest of the world thinks. I guess I don’t really understand the Facebook thing when it comes to personal information because you’re not just telling people who are your friends, you’re telling the whole world. Maybe I’m just old fashioned?

-Steve

First and foremost, a big ol’ virtual high-five to you for being a supportive and accepting parent. It’s going to make it so much easier for your daughter to grow up happy and healthy, and she’s lucky to have you.

The thing you need to know about Facebook in this situation is what your daughter’s privacy settings are. Can the whole world really see her page or just the people she “friends”? (Pro-tip: “Friend” is now a verb.) Pretty much everyone I know has their settings on the latter, and that’s especially important for a teenager. In fact, I would recommend that her privacy settings allow only people who are her Facebook friends to message her, and then make sure she understands that she should only friend people she knows in real life. Facebook is for keeping in touch with people you know, not for meeting new people.

Now that that’s sorted, I think we can agree that if she announces this news on Facebook, she really will be telling people who are her friends and family. And yet, I’ll bet you’re still a bit uncomfortable about it, huh? I absolutely believe that you’re supportive of her sexual identity but…well, let me turn your logic around on you for a sec: if it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks, then why not announce it?

Gotcha there, Steve.

When you come out, it’s scary to do so with the people you love the most because you’re emotionally invested in the fallout. But with everyone else – distant cousins, loose acquaintances, and so forth – it’s more of a hassle than nerve-wracking. It’s enormously fulfilling to be out but it’s just so tedious and time-consuming to have to tell every single person in your life. For bisexuals, it’s that much harder because even if we date someone of the same gender, folks tend to figure that we’re homosexual. Bisexuality is never the default assumption, so we’re stuck coming out constantly.

In the olden days, you would tell a couple of gossipy friends and they would mercifully spread the word for you. But the 21st century has come up with a more efficient method: just post the darned thing on Facebook and be done with it. What a relief that your daughter no longer has to canvass door-to-door making sure everyone has heard – she can just hit up Zuckerberg’s electronic town crier. She might not even post an announcement, opting instead to check off “Women” and “Men” under Interested In in the Basic Information section.

What I’m saying is, I think this is going to be more subtle than you’re imagining. Ask her to let you know when and how she announces it on Facebook, and keep an eye on the initial reaction. I suspect her revelation will be received with neither a bang nor a whimper, but the simple, quiet validation of many Likes.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 11, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Strap your helmets on, Wild Deuces, because Tiggy is answering a couple of sports questions on this two-fer Tuesday.

Dear Tiggy,

My 16-year-old boy just told our family that he is bi, which is okay with me. He is currently in a monogamous relationship with a girl, who knows how he feels. None of his other friends know. He plays competitive sports and my husband now tells him that he should no longer shower in the locker room with the guys as he has always done, since it is not fair to the other guys. I think that this betrays a bias my husband – who otherwise seems to support my son – subconsciously holds. What is the protocol for the locker room?

-S.A.

Perhaps you’ve heard the old adage about homophobia? It’s the fear among straight men that gay men will treat them the way they treat women. A little kernel of truth in there, eh?

The protocol for your son in the locker room is the same it ever was. I don’t think your husband has even thought this through. If your son suddenly declines to shower with his teammates, does he honestly think that will go unnoticed? Is he suggesting that your son out himself? It’s pretty clear that he’s not comfortable doing that yet, as he hasn’t.

Has your husband considered that a shower embargo might put your son in danger of being bullied? Or that he’s projecting how he thinks he would have felt as a teenager in a locker room full of girls, and his son doesn’t exactly feel that way? Or that statistically, there’s almost no way his son is the only bi/gay guy in that locker room?

I do applaud your husband for being otherwise supportive. Right now, he’s viewing this from the perspective of the straight teenage guy that he was. I think an ongoing process of gently nudging him to see things from his son’s perspective would be the best plan.

Dear Tiggy,

I just came out to my dance team that I am bi. My coach said she doesn’t believe in bisexuality, that it’s a phase and I need to choose whether I like girls or boys. She tries to tell me that I just date boys because of the pressure, but I respond that that’s not true; I have fallen in love with boys and I am attracted to males. I am also attracted to girls. She doesn’t seem to get that.

I’m very close to her. How do I have her understand more that it is possible to like both sexes?

-Kait

It’s not your place to educate this adult. It is her duty as a coach to nurture your personal development, or at least not disrupt it, and she’s failing in that.

If you’ve shared with your parents that you’re bisexual, you need to tell them about this ongoing debate with your coach. One or both of them should have a conversation with her – the kind where your parents talk and she listens. They have to let her know that they don’t appreciate her trying to inappropriately influence you with her wrongheaded ideas about sexuality. You’re bisexual, it does exist, and no one gives a rat’s rear what Coach Fussybritches believes. And if they (your parents) hear about even one more incidence of this, there will be consequences. Boom, drop the mic.

I’m guessing you don’t want to get your parents involved or hurt your relationship with this coach. The thing is, as close as the two of you are, she can never really be your “friend” the way your peers are. She’s your coach and filling that role comes with certain responsibilities. If your parents don’t know that you’re bi, please explain this situation to your academic advisor, school nurse, older cousin or aunt, or some trusted adult who can straighten her out.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 28, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My name is Jessica and I’m 18 years old. Up until now, I identified as straight and never questioned it. But last year, I started developing feelings for two female friends of mine, so over the past month I’ve begun identifying as bisexual.

My uneasiness is that I’m afraid that it’s just a “phase” and that sometime in the future, I’ll be straight again. I’ve told a few close friends about this and they are all supportive of my feelings, but my mom believes that it’s a phase and that I’m just being a teenager.

My feelings for these girls are different than how I’ve liked guys: not as intense, not quite as sexual, but I still like them more than any of my other female friends. It’s more than just wanting to be their close friend.

If my bisexuality is a phase, I want to stop it and just be straight. I don’t like being in-between, if that makes sense. I don’t feel the same sexual tension around the girl I like than I have around a boy I’ve liked, and sometimes I worry that that means I’m not really bisexual. Any thoughts on the subject would be unbelievably helpful. Thank you.

-Jessica

Let’s unpack the idea of a “phase,” shall we?

If a woman has romantic relationships and sex with only women throughout her adolescence and adulthood until, at age 42, she falls in love with a man and has a monogamous marriage with him for the rest of her life, was her lesbianism just a phase? Or was her attraction to that man just a phase, cut short by her untimely demise at age 94?

If a man has sex with exactly the same number of men as women, dates exactly the same number of men as women, and has equally long relationships with — you guessed it — exactly the same number of men as women, is he in a phase? If so, which part of his behavior is the phase?

What kind of dating involving trans, genderqueer, or intersex people is considered a bisexual phase?

If roughly as many gays and lesbians decide to have relationships with the opposite sex as bisexuals decide to identify as homosexual, why isn’t homosexuality labeled a “phase”?

What is the time limit on a phase? What is the maximum number of relationships in a phase? How many discrete stints of dating a particular gender of person does it take to graduate from a phase?

You’re getting my point, I’m sure. When it comes to bisexuality, the “phase” label is arbitrary, yet never in our favor. It is true that people at certain points in their lives – particularly teenagers – go through developmental stages and experiment with various behaviors and points of view. However, you will not find a shred of scientific research that portrays bisexuality as a developmental phase.

When something as ubiquitous as this theory does not bear out by logic, you know that the answer is emotional. Only a painful history of bisexual oppression explains this ever-present, condescending label. It is a moniker put upon us by others who are not allies. Its intention is to debilitate us as a community, as people. Regrettably, many of us have internalized it.

As to whether you personally are experiencing a phase, my answer is that it doesn’t matter. I apologize for the cliché but life really is about the journey, not the destination. Whether you’ll feel this way in a year, or ten years, or forever, or only until 4:38 p.m. on Thursday is of little consequence. You feel this way now. Your life is now.

Jessica, there is little choice in having these feelings, but you possess all the agency in how you respond to them. Thus far, you’ve shown real honesty and courage. Keep going, you’re doing great.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 26, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter, who is a 17-year-old high school senior, recently told me she is bisexual. I feel like she has been lying to me for years and this has taken a huge bite out of my total trust in her.

Now she wants to not tell her dad or stepmom and I am upset that I will be forced to lie about her to others. She is very involved in her schools GSA – in fact, she’s the president – and I have been asked by several people if she is gay. In the past, I always said “no,” but now I feel like that would be a mis-truth.

Should I encourage her to tell her dad and stepmom or leave it up to her? She is afraid of their reaction, fearing it won’t be good. Also, how should I answer curious gossipers when they get nosy? I want to be supportive and not destroy our fragile friendship but I also need to be the parent and guide her.

-Want To Be Supportive

Imagine you are your daughter. You’re 17 so you’re just starting to figure out who you are, which can be confusing and scary. As a teenager, you’re still pretty dependent on your parents’ approval. Some feelings are coming up, feelings that you can’t control. Sorting them out to any degree takes time. Eventually you realize that if you share them, your friends and family might not like you anymore; if you don’t, you might explode.

Can you see how terrified she must be? It speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship that she trusted you with this information. She needs you now. Framing this as a betrayal misses the point. She was likely questioning her sexuality for a while before knowing enough to come out to herself, never mind anyone else. And once she reached that point, she had to risk disappointing you – her mother, her world. None of this has anything to do with breaking your trust.

Can you also see how all of her options for handling this are pretty lousy? Being burdened with someone else’s secret is uncomfortable…but not as “uncomfortable” as your daughter losing her father and stepmother’s acceptance, right? Tell her privately that you don’t like the secrets and lies so if they ask you about her sexuality, you’ll tell her father and stepmother to direct any personal questions about your daughter to her. If she then chooses to lie to them, please stay out of it. Your daughter needs to feel that she has her own agency in disclosing this personal information.

Nosy gossips are much easier to deal with, as they should be ashamed of asking about the sexual proclivity of a minor. Master a polite-but-confused smile and flash it as you say, “I don’t discuss my teenage daughter’s sexuality in public” (the unspoken coda being, “…obviously, you boob”).

By understanding what your daughter is going through, you can let this new reality bring you closer. Read this, consider visiting a local PFLAG chapter, stand by your girl, you’re going to be fine.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 24, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve known I’m bi for pretty much forever, but did not come out until I was 18. I’m now 21 and looking for a life — or at least long-term, committed — partner. My parents are very accepting, with one catch…

My mom thinks that in being bi, you can choose whether to pursue your life with a man or woman –- not fall in love but choose, among those you love, which one to marry and spend your life with. And she thinks, given all the discrimination same-sex couples face, that I should choose a man. This, she says, is for my own sake as well as my future children’s.

Obviously, I disagree with her but I can’t articulate it well despite my repeated efforts. When she says this, I feel such a pressure to only pursue men but I have a definite preference for women. My resistance to pursuing men now has me questioning my orientation I’ve already switched my label to “queer” instead of “bi.” Advice?

-Inarticulate

Your mom reminds me a bit of this mom, in that they both just want their daughters to have the easiest lives possible. Good parents typically –- and irrationally –- want to eliminate every potential obstacle from their kids’ lives. Moms: they worry.

She might also be putting some of her own stuff on you. (I think sometimes we don’t realize that our parents are humans and have their own thoughts and feelings that they occasionally project onto others.) Maybe she married your dad because it was a rational choice but then ended up loving the hell out of him, and wants you to have that experience, too.

Maybe it’s the opposite and, in pure “Mom” form, she doesn’t want you to make the mistake she did. Maybe she was so smokin’ hot that she got to pick any spouse she wanted from a veritable smorgasbord of suitors, and assumes you will as well.

But you’re not her. You’re not even an extension of her. You’re you, and if you’re old enough to look for a committed partner, you’re old enough to do it without having your mommy tell you how.

The next time it comes up, recite this from memory: “Mom, I’m going to date whoever I’m interested in, regardless of gender. Let’s talk about something else.” Explaining it to her isn’t working and it’s making you insecure. Stay away from queer theory convos with her for now.

And, hey, consider slowing your roll. If you’ve announced to her your intention to find a life mate at the tender age of 21, you might have thrown her into a panic of thinking this is her only chance help you make the right choice. I’d suggest approaching dating a bit more casually, at least when you’re talking to your mom.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.