Pandora – Tiggy Upland

Dear Tiggy,

I don’t know how to handle this! My husband opened a package sent to my 18-year-old son. The package contained a dildo.

My son knows we accept gay people and I’m sure he would be comfortable telling us if he was. The thing is, he has a girlfriend and seems to just like girls. Anyway, I’m not sure how to handle the package. I wish it had never been opened. I’m sure my son is expecting it and will know one of us has it.

How should we approach this? I feel so horrible because I know he will be embarrassed.

-Scunnered in Australia

All right, calm down, everybody calm DOWN. We’re gonna get through this.

Dang it, Scunnered, I don’t know how they do it in Australia but this is why opening someone else’s mail is a federal offense here in the States. You’ve got yourself a Pandora situation on your hands.

Here’s what, though: a male person using a dildo does not necessarily mean he is gay or bisexual, or that he enjoys receiving anal sex. Anal play in and of itself does not indicate sexual orientation. At all.

When you catch your breath on that one, here’s another revelation: the dildo might not even be for him to insert into his anus. In fact, it might not be for him, period.

Maybe he’s curious to see if he’d enjoy it. Maybe it’s for a joke. Maybe he wants to use it on his girlfriend. Maybe his girlfriend wants it for herself but can’t have it mailed to her house because her parents would open it, OOPS, he has the same kind of parents, OH WELL.

No matter how you deal with it, don’t make any assumptions on your son or his sexual activities based on the fact that a surprise dildo arrived on your doorstep. I’m sure I’m not the first person to impart these words of wisdom, but I’ll bet they’ve been useful every time they’ve been uttered.

Here are some options for you:

Wrap it back up, pretend you never opened it, and leave it for your son. How feasible this is depends on how good your poker face is and how badly you destroyed the package when opening it.

Leave it with a note that says OR Hand it to your son and say, “Your father accidentally opened this. He says he’s sorry,” and leave the room (or, better, the house). Don’t mention it again. Laugh about it in about 20 years.

Sit down with him to a meal at your house and hand him the box, letting him know that your husband didn’t mean to open it. This will give him a chance to give you an excuse, if he feels like it. Then you can say, “It’s fine,” change the subject, and keep eating dinner. Unlike the second option, you won’t be anxious about the next time you see each other.

I’m sorry you feel scunnered. It must be weird having your son’s adulthood and private matters shoved into your face like that. But really, this isn’t a big deal. He’s 18 – ‘round these parts, that’s an adult. One expects that an 18-year-old guy is somewhat acquainted with the idea of sex even if he hasn’t had it yet. No need to die of embarrassment, just soldier on. Power through the awkwardness, Mom, and he’ll take that cue from you.

There was only one time in history when a toy for Master Bates spelled unmitigated disaster, and it was this thing here.