February 3, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

1/2/15
Dear Tiggy,

Our son, who just turned 16, had a girlfriend last year for a few months. He was crazy about her, said he felt “dizzy” when they held hands, and was quite sad when she broke it off. He has been lately getting closer and closer with his (male) best friend. They spend a lot of time together, going on long walks and such, all of which did not seem out of the ordinary. The other day, however, they were holding hands and cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. They stopped abruptly when I entered the room. Later, I peeked around the corner and they were doing it again.

He has been acting more secretive lately. My wife and I keep trying to gently give him opportunities to talk to us about it but he has not yet shared anything. We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready. I have said non-specific supportive things to him lately, like that he can always talk to us about anything and asking him if there’s anything on his mind. He seems uncomfortable so I don’t push further than that. But we want to educate ourselves and be ready in case he springs it on us.

We know a lot about gay feelings (and are very comfortable with all of it) from our long experience with our many gay friends, but we do not have any bisexual friends and we feel like we know very little about what that is like, particularly for a teen. I have no idea if he even can categorize himself at this young age, nor do I want him to feel pressured to label himself. I suppose he probably falls into the “questioning” area right now, but still, we want to be able to talk to him about it whenever he feels ready. Also, we don’t know his friend’s parents very well and we don’t know if they know about this relationship; I think it is unlikely. We feel, just as we would if he were getting close and affectionate with a girl, that we don’t want him dating someone in secret.

My question, then, is this: is there anything we should know about the process of coming out as bisexual, compared with coming out as gay? Unlike other parents of gay kids who say they “knew for years” because of their child’s behavior, my son has never exhibited any outward signs of being gay, nor has he ever said or done anything that would have tipped us off. That said, he also is not nearly as girl-crazy as I was at 16. No Victoria’s Secret catalogs under the bed, but no International Male either. I am just scared of saying the wrong thing when he does decide to share with me, I want him to feel loved and happy, but at the same time he is so young and I remember how confusing everything is at this age. I know teenagers experiment sometimes but what constitutes experimenting and at what point has he crossed over into identity? I don’t want to belittle his feelings by suggesting that this is “just a phase”…but might it be?

Anyway, this is a long essay — sorry — but I am really experiencing a lot of confusing feelings myself right now, and any advice would be appreciated.

-Michael

1/3/2015
Dear Tiggy,

I just read the “For Parents” essay on the BRC website; I don’t know how I missed it the first time. It answered most of the questions I asked you! I am so sorry I didn’t check that first. If you know Robert Barton, please tell him THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Very helpful and informative. I still have one thing, though, that I could use advice on, so I will rephrase the question:

I wouldn’t feel right outing the other kid to his family if he is not ready, but I also don’t feel that I should allow my son to be dating this boy and doing anything physical with their son — even kissing and holding hands — if they don’t know about it. Any advice on how I should approach this?

If the other boy (also 16) is not ready or willing to tell his parents then I feel I should I tell my son he has to put the brakes on this thing until his friend has spoken to them. Once he has done that, and then in turn they have had a discussion with me and my wife, then I think we can figure out where we all are, but at least there will be no secrets.

If I tell my son that this is the way it has to be, I’m afraid it will be like I’m “forbidding” my son from seeing someone he cares about, but it seems to me that there are issues here that would apply to any parents, no matter what their kid’s sexual identity is. I would want the same thing if my son were involved with a girl, so it seems like it’s no different, but I think maybe it is different because of the issue of outing.

-Michael

Firstly, you and your wife are doing really well in handling this in a loving and supportive manner. Keep up the absolutely excellent work. It’s a relief to the entire bisexual community that people like you exist.

It’s good to get into the habit of treating an LGBT relationship the same way you’d treat a hetero one; it speaks to your sense of fairness. Here’s the thing, though: a romantic relationship your teenage son is having with another boy is different in a couple of ways than one with a girl. It needs to be treated as such mostly for reasons surrounding safety because society rejects same-sex relationships.

If you don’t know the other boy’s parents, then you don’t know whether outing him would endanger his physical or emotional safety. Please acknowledge that he could end up beaten, homeless, humiliated, and so forth, and that those consequences are not unlikely. I know someone from one of the most liberal areas of the U.S. who, when her parents discovered that she was in a same-sex relationship, was sent to exorcists. You do not have the right to put someone in that position, particularly a child, simply to enforce a personal tenet of transparency in relationships.

Even if the response from his family (and friends, and school…these things have a way of getting around) isn’t that bad, outing someone is a terrible thing to do. It robs a person of privacy and control over their own identity.

If your son were dating a girl and hiding the relationship, it would probably be because one of them was cheating, ashamed of the other, or had parents who did not approve. It makes sense that you would not support anything like that. But in not announcing a same-sex relationship, your son is trying to protect himself from bullying while figuring out his feelings without undue pressure. These seem to me like fine reasons to keep a relationship under wraps.

Attentive parents tend to want to know who their child is dating because they are interested in their kid’s life and have a responsibility to guide their son/daughter. But let’s be real here: a major reason that a parent might want to restrain their teenager’s romantic relationships is the possibility of pregnancy. That’s not an issue here.

You say: “We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready” (italics mine). These are excellent instincts. Know that that necessarily means not forcing his hand by insisting that he be out on your terms. I sense that you’re uncomfortable with the lack of control you have over all this…imagine how your son feels. I think you should continue offering general support but otherwise give your son some space to sort out his feelings. Know that he must feel so much safer to understand through your gestures that you have his back. And he gets that, trust me. Dads are never as subtle as they think!

By the way, it’s perfectly fine for you to kindly insist — without providing a reason — that he leave the door open when hanging out with this guy. You’re still his parent and it’s still your house. I doubt he’ll ask why this rule suddenly cropped up.

Note to Michael’s kid: They’re onto you, buddy!

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 6, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am bisexual, female, and in a year-long relationship with my girlfriend, who is also bisexual. Our best friend, “Anne,” is roommates with my girlfriend. Since she is fairly religious, we were afraid to tell her about us but finally did after four months in. Being a rather possessive person, Anne had a hard time dealing with us being in a relationship that she was not a part of. She was angry at first but got much better as time went on.

Today, though, Anne revealed that she had told her sister about us a long time ago so she could have someone to talk to about it. (Note that we are not completely out yet.) Unfortunately, her sister told their very religious father. After a long, grueling phone call in which Anne completely defended my girlfriend and me, her family told her she was going to hell for supporting us and that they didn’t want to see her again until she cut all ties to us.

I feel so guilty. I feel like I ruined her life, and made her choose between her family and me. She keeps talking about how she has nobody to walk her down the aisle and no place to go for Christmas. I have no idea what to do.

Thank you for any advice.

-Guilty

Welp, Anne wanted to be a part of your relationship…aaaaand now she is. But before we talk about that, let’s review the ways in which you are not responsible for her actions or their repercussions:

  • She outed you to her sister without your permission.

  • Her sister told someone you ostensibly never would have told.

  • She opted to fight about it with her father.

You didn’t commit any of these actions that led up to the unfortunate result. Arguably, you might have made a different choice at every turn. You are responsible for none of this and, therefore, have nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, even the part where Anne defended you to her father which, while honorable, was her decision to make. In order to get past your guilt, you need to acknowledge that you did not “[make] her choose between her family and [you].” If you want to put blame where blame is due, how about starting with her homophobic and vindictive father?

Back to Anne. While I don’t think it’s a conscious effort, I do think she’s getting something out of your guilt. On some level, she realizes that wailing about family-less special occasions makes you feel like you and your girlfriend owe it to her to become her new family. Now that she’s martyred herself for you (which, remember, you never asked her to do), she can enjoy being a permanent appendage to your relationship. You know you’re getting played at least a little when Anne is lamenting a lonely holiday a full eight months in advance. “Nobody to walk her down the aisle”…does she even have a boyfriend? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I suggest releasing your guilt or risk having it fester and turn into resentment. The next time Anne cues the violins for her plight as a political orphan, encourage her to consider making up with her father in some way. Tell her that you appreciate her standing up for you and your girlfriend, but you can’t take the place of her family.
 
Guilty: “You’re not our wife.”
Anne: “I threw my family for you.”
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 26, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter, who is a 17-year-old high school senior, recently told me she is bisexual. I feel like she has been lying to me for years and this has taken a huge bite out of my total trust in her.

Now she wants to not tell her dad or stepmom and I am upset that I will be forced to lie about her to others. She is very involved in her schools GSA – in fact, she’s the president – and I have been asked by several people if she is gay. In the past, I always said “no,” but now I feel like that would be a mis-truth.

Should I encourage her to tell her dad and stepmom or leave it up to her? She is afraid of their reaction, fearing it won’t be good. Also, how should I answer curious gossipers when they get nosy? I want to be supportive and not destroy our fragile friendship but I also need to be the parent and guide her.

-Want To Be Supportive

Imagine you are your daughter. You’re 17 so you’re just starting to figure out who you are, which can be confusing and scary. As a teenager, you’re still pretty dependent on your parents’ approval. Some feelings are coming up, feelings that you can’t control. Sorting them out to any degree takes time. Eventually you realize that if you share them, your friends and family might not like you anymore; if you don’t, you might explode.

Can you see how terrified she must be? It speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship that she trusted you with this information. She needs you now. Framing this as a betrayal misses the point. She was likely questioning her sexuality for a while before knowing enough to come out to herself, never mind anyone else. And once she reached that point, she had to risk disappointing you – her mother, her world. None of this has anything to do with breaking your trust.

Can you also see how all of her options for handling this are pretty lousy? Being burdened with someone else’s secret is uncomfortable…but not as “uncomfortable” as your daughter losing her father and stepmother’s acceptance, right? Tell her privately that you don’t like the secrets and lies so if they ask you about her sexuality, you’ll tell her father and stepmother to direct any personal questions about your daughter to her. If she then chooses to lie to them, please stay out of it. Your daughter needs to feel that she has her own agency in disclosing this personal information.

Nosy gossips are much easier to deal with, as they should be ashamed of asking about the sexual proclivity of a minor. Master a polite-but-confused smile and flash it as you say, “I don’t discuss my teenage daughter’s sexuality in public” (the unspoken coda being, “…obviously, you boob”).

By understanding what your daughter is going through, you can let this new reality bring you closer. Read this, consider visiting a local PFLAG chapter, stand by your girl, you’re going to be fine.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 7, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a bisexual woman in college “dating” (read: hooking up with) this guy I’ll call “Dan.” He’s in a fraternity with “Michael” who’s dating (read: going on dates with) my good friend, “Mary.” Mary and I met in our university queer group.

Mary identifies as a lesbian but she genuinely likes Michael as a person and is dating him to see if there’s some chemistry there. Although she’s out, she hasn’t yet mentioned to him that she’s queer and somehow he doesn’t know. She’s going to tell him soon, before they even kiss. So that’s all good.

Dan knows who Mary is because they’re from the same town. He knows that she and I are friends because he’s seen us together. I’m pretty sure he knows I’m bi; like Mary, I’m out but it hasn’t come up.

The problem? Dan keeps asking me: “So, how do you know Mary?” I think he knows that I know her from the queer group and is trying to get me to say it.

Besides the fact her sexuality is none of his business, I don’t want him to tell his frat brother that she’s a lesbian before she does because: DRAMA. On top of that, I don’t even feel like I can out myself to him now because he’ll assume that I know Mary from the queer group and go running to Michael. So what do I say to him when he asks me that?

—Lambda Gamma Beta Tau

The next time he asks, look him in the eye and say, “Why do you keep asking me that?” If he gives a sort of non-committal, “I don’t know” response, don’t let him off the hook right away. Say, “But this is, like, the fourth time you’ve asked me that. Why?” You’re essentially calling his bluff and he’s likely to back down.

On the odd chance that he directly asks if Mary is a lesbian or if you know her from the queer group, ask him, “Why aren’t you asking her this?” If he doesn’t know her well enough to ask, then he doesn’t need to know.

Keep in mind that he might actually be asking this to because he wants to know more about you. For that, go easy on him because he’s not sure how to broach the subject. Let him know that you’re happy to talk about yourself with him but you have a policy of not talking about other people’s personal business.

And for future reference, if you can’t say you know someone from the queer group because you don’t want to out them (or yourself), always use the ol’ “we have mutual friends” gambit. Hard to prove false and just vague enough to sound real.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.