Dear Tiggy,
How do you come out as bi to friends and family if you’re already in a heterosexual marriage?
I’m a guy who was always primarily interested in girls, but open to possibilities. My relationships from high school on were exclusively with women. I didn’t sleep with a guy until my late 20s, which was fun and gave me a chance to explore something I’d always been curious about.
Shortly after that, I started exclusively dating a woman whom I later married. She’s bisexual, too, though she had only one brief non-hetero relationship. Within our marriage, we’ve found space to explore our same-sex interests through fantasy, porn, and safe play with other bisexual couples. The outside world, though, sees our marriage and thinks of me as “straight.” That bugs me a little, because I feel there’s more to me than that, and I’m proud of it.
Is there a point to coming out? How the hell do you do it when the usual impetus (same-sex dating) isn’t something you’re planning anymore?
—Not Just Straight
Sure, there’s a point – a few of them, actually. In your situation, coming out can give you a feeling of integrity, a sense of oneness and wholeness, like you’re not accidentally lying-by-omission, like there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It can make you, and other people just like you, realize that they’re not alone, that there’s a whole community of married bisexuals out there. It can be personally validating, a way of saying, “I really am bi. This isn’t just something that I’m playing out in my head.” Of course, there are legitimate reasons to not come out as well, but it sounds to me like you’d like to find a way to do it.
Now that we’ve established why you might come out, I think you need to decide exactly who to come out to. The easiest folks to tell are other beguiling, bodacious bisexuals. Check BiNet’s map of bi groups in the U.S. to see if there’s one near you, and all the better if they offer a specific group for bi married people. If you can’t find a group like that, you can start your own on MeetUp.com. Surely if you’re suave enough to seal the deal with other bi couples, you can invite them over for a simple coffee klatsch, eh? For pointers on how to get a bi support group up and running, the BRC has a brand new pamphlet that you can download.
Still having trouble rounding up local bis? Start volunteering with the nearest LGBT organization. They may not have a lot of bisexuals in their ranks but these days, lots of Ls and Gs are eager to welcome Bs and Ts. When you volunteer regularly, eventually someone will ask how you got involved with the organization. You can reply that you’re bisexual and want to connect with the community (or whatever other phrase you rehearse in your head 100 times and wait with bated breath for someone to prompt).
Once you’re out to other queer people, you may want to take the next step and just be generally “out,” as it were. It’s an easy, three-part process…
1. Put the message out there. In college, the trick was to put a bi button on your backpack or bulletin board, or a bumper sticker on your car. It turns out that those methods work at any age and, as always, the BRC’s got you covered…covered in bi swag, that is. You can also start casually mentioning in conversation – meaning, of course, Facebook status updates – your interactions with the local queer group, what with all of the volunteering and socializing you’re doing now.
2. Have a stock phrase ready in case anyone wants to verify. “Oh, Ursula and I are both bisexual. It’s never been a secret or anything, it’s just that most people don’t know because we’re married to each other.”
3. Let it spread virally. It’s a pain to have to come out to everyone on the planet individually so you’ll enjoy having your gossipy friends do it for you. Ironically, it’s necessary to outsource when you Bi American.
I’m sure there are a few people who you’ll feel the need to have a “coming out” talk with, like your best friend or your siblings. I’d say you should tackle that some time after coming out to other queer folks but before you start in with the bi buttons. You’ll be more comfortable with it at that point, and your new LGBT friends can provide excellent support and suggestions to you.
Doesn’t this sound fun? We can’t wait to welcome you into the community! Git outta that closet — how’d you even get in there?! Gas up the ol’ bi-mobile and ride right on over to Out Town. All of the other married bisexuals sure will be happy to see you.
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.