Dear Tiggy,
I’m a sixteen-year-old girl and I’m at a really confusing part in my life. As a kid, I identified as straight because I didn’t know there was any other option. I had my first real crush when I entered ninth grade, and it was on a girl. I really wanted her to be my girlfriend. I was really confused, but I made myself get over her. I see girls and check them out. There’s so many of them at my school, it’s like constant bombardment. Every crush I get is on a girl. I do think guys can be cute, though. There’s this one boy that I want as a boyfriend.
Thinking about sex with a guy sounds painful to me, but I’ve never tried it. I’m also curious as to what sex with a girl would feel like. Girls really turn me on. One of my friends came out as lesbian to me and I felt like I should have come out to her, but I have no idea what I am. I have never kissed or been with anyone before. I want to come out. Should I come out as bi?
—Booklover
I want you to think of your sexuality label as a favorite shirt.
Do you have one favorite shirt for your whole life? Probably not — maybe you grow out of it, maybe you move to a different climate and it’s not warm enough anymore, maybe styles change and argyle suddenly seems passe. But it’s just a shirt, not a suitcase of diamonds that you’ve handcuffed yourself to. When it’s not working for you anymore, you get a new one.
The two most important things about this shirt are that you like it and it fits. Only you can decide those things; no one else has to wear your shirt, so they can’t judge whether it’s bunching up in the armpits or if the color kind of washes you out. Tiggy the Saleslady can offer you some suggestions but remember that it’s always in your hands. Don’t let some fool put a shirt on you. And hey, don’t overthink it. Worse case scenario: you get a case of buyer’s remorse, so you get a new shirt. No biggie.
Lemme take a look at you…I’d say you’re probably a size “Q” for “Questioning.” We don’t really know until you try it on, though. You don’t have to wear it in front of anyone right away, or ever. Take plenty of time to look in the mirror and decide how it feels. People usually determine the comfortability based on whether it jibes with their crushes, their fantasies, their romantic history, their politics, their culture, and their view of themselves. You call the shots on how important each one of those things is. Finding the right fit is an art, not a science.
If the “Bisexual” label feels better to you, then great, go with that. “Bisexual” was a label that a lot of questioning folks used to use before “Questioning” became an option. Some bis are still touchy about that, but only because after using our label as a safe harbor, a handful of former-bis went on to spread the false rumor that all bis are just closeted gays/lesbians. (What people don’t realize is that a large amount of folks do the opposite, i.e., identify as gay or lesbian and then later change their label to bisexual.) So as long as you’re not a hater later, you’re more than welcome to snag a fabulous bi shirt for however long you want it.
Why don’t you research what each letter of our community means and see how you feel about them: LGBTTTQQIAA. Also, check out the definitions of these B.I. (bi-inclusive) identities: fluid, pansexual, omnisexual, and pomosexual. You might decide to keep your Straight shirt on for now even though you think you’re growing out of it – that works, too. Last but not least, there are many people who are most content with no sexuality label at all. That’s right, even going topless is an option.
I know that this process can make you feel like you’re in an airport on a layover; you just want to get where you’re going already. But we’re all on our own lifelong, dynamic journeys of sexuality, and getting there is much more than half the fun. I think you should focus on building relationships with people you think are cool, entirely regardless of gender. Absolutely do not push yourself to try anything romantic or sexual that makes you uncomfortable; it will not “prove” anything about your sexuality one way or another.
Good luck, Booklover, and happy shirt shopping!
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.