Dear Tiggy,
I’m 14 years old and I’m bisexual. I came out in 8th grade but now I’m in high school…and no one remembers! I’m too scared to come out again to even more people. I don’t really care what people say, but I guess I’m afraid of not being accepted.
I have one gay guy friend but he is so loud and proud that I wouldn’t bring it up with him. He’s definitely not one to trust with such a topic. Otherwise, I have no one to talk to about this: no lesbian who I could ask for advice, no groups in my town.
I’m not trying to sound all sad and dramatic or anything. I’m just tired of having WWIII in my head. Do I have to come out again? And how can I do it this time so it sticks?
—Back in the closet
It’s not much of a consolation, but I think your experience is pretty common for young queer folks. Years ago, a good friend of mine came out to her mom but then tacked on the phrase, “Actually, I think everyone is bi” at the end, so her mom decided that she didn’t mean any of what she said. She then had to come out to her again. What a pain.
Unfortunately, adults don’t always take 14-year-olds seriously because they assume your identity changes every ten minutes as you try to figure out who you are. As for your friends, maybe they let themselves forget because they weren’t sure how to deal with it, and because they didn’t have to: you probably didn’t talk about it or date anyone. Whatever the reason, I’m sorry that you have to go through this hassle.
You’ve got a couple of options. One is to slip it into conversation with a close friend who you told last year. If you two are alone and she’s talking about some guy she thinks is cute, mention that you think he is too, but you also think this girl is cute. If she reacts with surprise, you can say, “I told you last year that I liked guys and girls, remember?” Try to act casual, like it’s no big deal. Assume that it will eventually get around school, but know that your news might inspire a bunch of other people to come out.
Another option is to start a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance, or some schools are now calling them a Gender and Sexuality Alliance) at school with your gay friend. You can just let people assume that you’re a straight ally until you feel comfortable with the group. If you think your school isn’t ready for a GSA, you might start an anti-bullying club which can focus on protecting the LGBT kids. Either way, you’ll get to know other people in the group who are at least accepting of bisexuality…and at best, dateable. Choose a nice teacher or guidance counselor to sponsor the group; s/he may well become a source of support for you, too.
I’ll leave you with this: if 10% of all people are queer, there have to be a lot of people at your school who feel the same way as you, not to mention straight allies. If you can find these kindred spirits, you’ll feel comfortable talking about this stuff with them, and you won’t have to come out all the time.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.