I am pansexual and possibly polyamorous. My girlfriend of three years, a devout monogamist, wants me to be able to express myself in whatever way I feel necessary.
Despite her total support, I am sexually unhappy in our relationship. She is unable to consider an open relationship and since I haven’t ever really been comfortable with my own sexuality, I haven’t had a chance to let myself experiment with other types of sex. This leads me to a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to provide her with the devotion and monogamy she deserves. I see no solution.
She says that if I truly wish to choose to be intimate with others, she cannot be with me. Throwing away our relationship for sex with strangers feels like the worst betrayal. I have been given an ultimatum to alone decide our future in the next day or two as she can’t wait for me to promise myself to her any longer. We aren’t happy now and aren’t sleeping in the same bed together after living and sleeping together for three years.
It is too painful for me to choose sexual freedom over love and emotional support but my feeling sexually repressed — be it a result of my own insecurities or her unwillingness to let me see other people in a sexual way — has led me to a collapse of libido and emotional stability. How can I choose when I’m so scared and alone?
-Max
The language you’re using to describe this tough situation paints you as the villain when you’re not. In order to get through this dilemma with the least amount of emotional damage to all parties, you need to reframe this story.
Devotion and monogamy are not the same thing. Even after reading your short letter, I have little doubt that you can and do offer devotion to this woman you clearly love. Does she “deserve” monogamy? Well, if so — in that she is a good person and “deserves” to have her desires met — then don’t you deserve polyamory?
When you honestly communicate to your partner a wish to express your sexuality and bravely come to terms with the consequent incompatibility of your relationship, you’re betraying yourself by couching that as “throwing away [your] relationship for sex with strangers.” The reality is that you two are fundamentally unsuited to each other and it’s no one’s fault. Cheating would have been the coward’s way out; you have eschewed that for the high road, so I cannot allow you to self-flagellate. There is nothing bad about wanting to explore your sexuality.
Please put this relationship out of its misery (your misery, her misery) – you both know it’s not working. It’s just not right to use this woman you love as a security blanket while you hold your breath and cross your legs for as long as you can stand it. I am sorry that being without a partner terrifies you but this, too, could use a reframing. You could view singledom as an opportunity to connect with new people and an adventure of self-discovery. Meanwhile, it sounds like you and she have a real mutual affection…is there a chance that you two can go on being friends?
Find a bisexual and/or poly support group in your area so you can feel supported enough to make the leap into being single. Max, don’t let fear and guilt dictate your not-at-all-selfish choices here.
Being poly is tremendous! No shame in being a bird who can’t help but fly. (Check the lyrics for an education…)
And Max, just because you’ll be single doesn’t mean you’ll be all alone.
I am a young woman (24) who just ended a six-year, long-distance, monogamous relationship. I live in a country in Africa and he lives in Europe. My “bi-curiosity” is just one of many important factors which caused me to do it.
Now I am super excited to finally put some of my women fantasies into practice. Before we broke up, I summoned all my courage and went alone one night to a lesbian bar. I chatted to some women, and had a fabulous time dancing. I never planned to cheat on my partner and I didn’t even come close to doing that, but I was so excited and relieved to finally just BE in a space around other bisexual and lesbian women.
However, it also posed a problem: now that I am available to see women, I don’t know how to go about it! I have no bi or lesbian friends, and none of my other close friends (except one, who I hardly ever see) or family even know that I identify as bisexual. I don’t see going alone again as an option; I feel like I need the support of friends around me to help me discover how to hit on a girl I like. But I don’t feel comfortable asking my straight friends to come with me when I myself am so new to and vulnerable in this aspect of myself.
I very recently moved from the liberal and fairly queer-friendly city to the remote countryside where I grew up to start a job here. I want to work and live here, but I am torn about having this newfound freedom to discover my bisexuality and yet having to live with my family around — even sharing a house with a family member — and in a very small and conservative community. I feel like my first forays into practical bisexuality are going to take a lot of courage from me, and attempting it here seems daunting and dangerous. So I’m wondering, should I postpone or reject the job? I haven’t signed anything yet and it is a family business so it should be fairly flexible about possibly taking me on at a later stage instead.
To make things all the more complicated, my ex-partner has suggested that we have an open relationship. He is desperate not to lose me and still loves me dearly. At the first mention of this, I emailed him to share my excitement. I thought it would be a way for us to stay in each other’s lives, keep in contact as the best friends we are, and occasionally visit each other for a lovers holiday. He responded with anger and hurt, saying he couldn’t believe after that after our years together, I would say I was excited to be in an open relationship. He called me selfish and stupid which immediately made me feel depressed and trapped again, and of course not wanting to have any relationship with him. He later emailed back apologising for his outburst, blaming it on his feelings of pain at the situation, which I totally understood, and asking again if we could have an open relationship instead of him losing me. Now I’m not so sure any more.
I am bursting with excitement at getting some “rad advice from an excellent bisexual”!
-Finally Free
To think that an enthusiastic fan across the world is breathlessly awaiting my words of wisdom on how to be a happy bisexual thrills me to my tingling toes! I wish all new bi babes could have your buoyant outlook and a confidence fueled by pure potential energy. Would that I could sail to Libreville tonight and trip the lights fantastic with you in celebrating your exuberance to be yourself!
On the issue of your ex-boyfriend, I think you know what you have to do. He is terribly sad that your relationship has come to an end but the kindest thing to do is not give him hope that you can stay together in any fashion. He has demonstrated that he is not in a proper emotional position for an open relationship. You are “Finally Free” — being available for new love is the core of that. Make a clean break of it with him.
Although it’s great that you have a job and family waiting for you in the country, my first impulse is to tell you to pass it up in favor of queer fun times in the city. It’s easier to find and congregate openly with other bisexual/gay women in an urban area. However, I want to be careful not to denigrate or underestimate the rich and rewarding lives of LGBT people in rural areas. Often, the queer community acts like living in the country is wholly untenable but I think that does a real disservice to our sisters and brothers who have crafted fulfilling communities in somewhat unlikely places. Look at this oral history project, Country Queers, to see just a handful of beautiful, refreshing, true stories of rural-living LGBT folks.
In a 2010 interview, Mary L. Gray, author of Out in the Country: Youth, Media, and Queer Visibility in Rural America, cuts to the difference as follows: “When rural young people identify themselves as queer, they…upend and potentially undo the most important identity they have in their communities: a familiar son or daughter, a local from that town. When Rural America seems to reject queer folks, whether with its voting record or in sound bites from its townspeople, we are witnessing a much deeper tussle over who rural community members feel they can trust and who they feel they can turn to in times of trouble…” Perhaps rural Africans put a high value on familiarity as well but since you grew up there, you certainly have a leg up in that regard.
All that said, I still think you should take this time in your young life to experience being bi in the city. I predict you’ll deeply enjoy the liberty of exploring your identity and meeting many likeminded souls out from under the watchful eye of lifelong elders. You can always return to the country later when you’re beyond the wild oat-sowing that urban life tends to facilitate. By then, you’ll likely have more confidence in your sexual identity as well as the manner in which you want to be out around your family.
Most of my readership is not from Africa so allow me a moment to enlighten them: the continent of Africa is made up of 54 countries and it’s way bigger than you think. I point this out, Finally Free, because it’s hard for me to advise you when I don’t know which specific area you’re from. Americans, it would be like someone wanting to know how to bisexual,* if you will, without revealing whether they are from Massachusetts or Kentucky…only more so. The laws, culture, and resources vary signNIFicantly.
So for a more informed view on African life, let’s turn to award-winning Nigerian writer and afrofeminist social commentator Spectra Speaks. Her eponymous blog, www.spectraspeaks.com, is a digital media platform shifting conversations from the political to the personal through the lens of love, empathy, and media. She is the founder and executive editor of Queer Women of Color Media Wire (QWOC), a media advocacy organization that amplifies the voices of queer-identified diaspora around the world. Before we get into what her specific advice is for you, I want to mention a few things about Spectra: 1.) the Bisexual Resource Center gave QWOC a “Bi Ally Award”; 2.) Spectra’s mantra is “Love is my revolution”; and 3.) she wrote this two weeks ago, which tells you why #1 happened, shows how she lives #2, and will restore your faith in the world as a bisexual. Please read it, it’s a revelation of unadulterated compassion.
(Did you read it? Wasn’t it even better than I said?) Here’s what she says about you, Finally Free:
“First, ask for the African country she’s in so you can connect her to resources. It may seem intimidating at first, but it’s one way of meeting friends.
“Second, she should think through the following questions carefully: does she have any friends that she’s really close to who she may consider sharing about her new interest in women? Are these friends that can keep a secret? I’d encourage her to share that she’s interested and perhaps liken it to puberty happening all over again except without any examples of how to ask a girl out! Even if the friend doesn’t come along to the club they can at least be her research partner and someone to talk to as she develops more queer/bi community.
“She should also start following LGBT African bloggers** (ahem!) as meeting others online can be such a relief, affirming, and again a kind of support until she meets others. I’d finally encourage her to focus first on developing friendships. [Regardless of your sexuality, dating] is awkward, challenging, fun, and confusing all at once. It’s so much better with friends.”
I can’t put it any better than that. When Spectra refers to resources, she means queer social groups, support groups, and volunteer opportunities. They’re perfect places to get to know fellow LBT women and say, “Hey, I want to go to a club tonight. Will you be my wing chick?”
I could go on (and on…and on…) but let’s punctuate this column on “wing (chick).” It’s an apt segue to your starting this next chapter of life where you stretch yours and soar.
*Yeah, sure, it’s a verb.
**To start, go to Spectraspeaks.com, scroll down, and look at the column on the right under “Queer Africa.”
My boyfriend of two years just came out to me as bisexual. I’m really confused because we’ve had an excellent sex life for a year and a half. We’ve also had an excellent relationship. It’s the strongest either of us have ever been in.
When he told me of his bisexuality, I told him that I would give him a free pass to try being with a guy. I gave him a few stipulations, like that he can’t have full out sex with him and he has to tell me immediately afterwards what he was thinking and feeling — every possible thing he can think of. I also said I didn’t really want them to be friends because it would make me feel really hurt. He vehemently refused this free pass although I’ve offered it to him three times now.
He wants to marry me and isn’t interested in expressing the attraction he has to men. I don’t know what to think or do! I love him, he loves me, and we are both 100% devoted to each other, but I don’t think I’ll be completely comfortable again in our relationship until I know what he wants. He says he only wants me and no one else.
Please help. I’m falling apart over here. I’m terrified he’ll get bored and leave me because he’ll decide he likes men more. He is my first everything so I feel this incredibly deep emotional attachment to him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.
-Megan
This relaxation exercise should help: become aware of the muscles in your right pinky finger. Relax them until your pinky goes limp. Do the same with your left pinky; both are now loose and free. Repeat with your ring fingers, middle fingers, and index fingers. As you complete the exercise by slackening your thumbs and palms…
…you should be able to unclasp your hands from around your boyfriend’s throat.
Your “free pass” is not free. The price he pays is your getting to set the precise parameters for the sexual activity he is allowed to engage in and the relationship he is allowed to have with his sexual partner after their encounter (i.e. none). And, of course, he must do an exhaustive brain dump for you so that you can Thought Police him.
Your “free pass” is not a pass. It’s an order. It’s not for your boyfriend; he doesn’t want it. It’s for you, so you can convince yourself that he’s gotten it out of his system. You want him to exorcise this demon under tightly controlled conditions so that you can go forward in life without the slightest worry that he’ll ever leave you. You’re projecting your insecurities onto him and then trying to fix them by fixing him. Not only does it not work but it’s also no way to treat a fellow sentient being, much less someone you purport to love.
The bisexuality element of the situation is easy. He doesn’t feel the need to be with other men in the same way that you don’t feel the need to be with other men. Bisexuals are as capable of monogamy as anyone else. He has told you that he does not want to explore that part of his sexuality with someone else; it’s on you that you don’t believe him.
The part you’re playing here is a much larger cause for concern than bisexuality. You’re acting out of fear and ignorance*, and your controlling behavior could be a precursor for abuse. Healthy partners come to terms with the fact that life offers no guarantees and control is almost always an illusion. He may think he wants to marry you but the harsh reality is that you’re not nearly emotionally ready.
The best thing you can do right now is get to a place where you know that if you split up for any reason, you’d be OK. Really, I promise you: you would be OK. He’ll still be your first everything, you will keep a special place for him in your heart forever, but you would eventually move on with your life. I’m not saying this because I think you’re going to break up. I’m saying this because your refusal to believe that you’d survive it is starting to turn you into a monster.
*To address this: scroll up, click on “Back to the BRC website” and read.
Just have sex with a guy, then put on this Christopher Walken headset so I can experience your every thought and feeling about it, and we’ll never have another problem. Easy peasy.
My son is in love with bisexual girl. What are his chances for a relationship/long term happiness?
-Carla
Same as the rest of the human race.
Dear Tiggy,
What do you advise a bisexual woman (and mom) to do when she is in a committed and happy hetero relationship but is having very overwhelming desires to be with women?
From the beginning, my boyfriend was of the opinion that if you are in love it’s just the two of you. I was always like, “I need to be with women when I want to be.” But when we fell in love it was so different and wonderful that I just thought, “Who knows?”
For three years, I haven’t had any bi longings to speak of. Up until now, when I masturbated I thought about my boyfriend and, in particular, his very impressive endowment. I had never felt so straight in my life. I wanted him and only him all the time.
But the last few days have been like I’m on high bi-alert! Last night, I thought of an old female lover when I made love to my boyfriend and I feel guilty about that. I can’t stop thinking about female/female encounters. Every moment I am alone, I am on fire down there and I feel like I am just going to explode. I don’t know what to do.
-Beth
“The last few days”? You’re considering making a change to your happy relationship of three years over a feeling you’ve had for three days?
In that case, I confidently advise you to do nothing.
Masturbation is always a good idea so keep up the good work there. Fantasizing about someone else when having sex with your boyfriend…meh, it isn’t really a betrayal. No need to feel guilty; this ain’t 1984 so we’re safe from the Thought Police. (I mean, I’m sure the NSA knows the minute details of your lurid lady-dreams but you’re probably safe beyond anyone who can invoke the Patriot Act.)
If this bout of horniness really took you that suddenly and severely, you may want to get checked out by your doctor. You didn’t mention your age but could you be pregnant again? Or in menopause? Have you made any recent adjustments to your oral contraceptives? Physiological changes might not affect the content of your sexual longings but they could explain the abrupt overpowering urges.
Acting on these feelings right now is just a bad idea. You’ve got what sounds like a solid relationship with a guy who is unlikely to entertain any form of non-monogamy. If the bi-alert remains on “high” for weeks on end, then you can begin talking to him about your desires and whether you two might revisit the rules of your relationship. But opening it up in any form would require willing participants to be successful (so does monogamy, come to think of it) and based on your letter, I don’t see him reacting favorably to that suggestion. If your tsunami of lust returns to low tide, you’re going to wish you never brought it up.
Bottom line: do nothing, at least for now. I mean, cheese and crackers, you haven’t even given this thing a full week to sort itself out on its own. Just sit with it for a minute.
Louis C.K. expounds upon the virtues of being content with things as they are and also, just, you know, giving it a minute.
I am engaged to the man of my dreams and I’m really happy with my relationship as a whole. However, I have a problem: my best girl friend is always trying to get me to make a move on her. She is straight and in a relationship with my best guy friend. I really like her and have been attracted to her for a while, but I feel used. You see, I feel like she’s playing my affections against her boyfriend so that he gets jealous.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose friends but I also don’t want to feel manipulated. Help!
-Korinne
Bad news: your friend is acting like a selfish asshat.
Good news: she might not actually be a selfish asshat, just clueless, and that’s curable.
You didn’t say whether the two relationships in question are monogamous, polyamorous, or one of each, but I figure that if everyone involved is poly, you’d have gone for the hook-up by now. Therefore, I’m going to answer this assuming that both relationships are monogamous, but please write back to me if they’re not.
Your best friend is so desperate for her boyfriend’s attention that she’s willing to hurt your feelings, put you in a position that might blow up your impending marriage, and make her boyfriend anxious. You might wonder how someone could be so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t recognize their own uber-obnoxious behavior, but it happens, and not infrequently. If you give her the benefit of the doubt, I think you’ll likely snap her out of this just by bringing it to her attention.
The next time she flirts with you, respond flatly with: “What are you doing?” and perhaps follow up with, “It seems like you’re flirting with me, and I don’t know why you’d do that since neither of us is single.” Don’t soften it by laughing it off. I hear that you don’t want to cause drama but she’s been pretty up front with the fact that she’s perfectly fine with causing drama. The weight of your group dynamics should not and does not rest entirely on your shoulders. Calling out her behavior is the only way to stop it.
And don’t fall for the ol’ “I was just kidding” gambit, either. If that comes into play, immediately respond, “No, you weren’t. You’re messing with my head, and your boyfriend’s, and you’re disrespecting our relationships. Knock it off.”
You know, though…I’m not fully confident that you’re going to confront her. I know that you don’t want to lose friends, but maybe you also don’t want her to stop flirting with you? In fact, maybe if she was going to actually hook up with you instead of tease you, you wouldn’t mind so much? These are just vibes I’m getting from your letter, and I’ll admit that sometimes vibes get damaged in the mail. But if that is how you feel, just know that there’s no shame in putting off the wedding date until you’re sure that you’re ready for a lifetime commitment to a monogamous partner.
Plenty of shame in cheating, though. In case you were wondering.
I recently found out that my husband of seven years has been viewing bi porn. I had my suspicions that he may have these tendencies but we are in a monogamous, loving, hetero marriage.
We are currently in counseling because I was overwhelmed with having this in front of my face and felt betrayed. I’m angry and afraid that this might destroy our relationship, and because he never really admitted it to me, even though I questioned him over the years.
Now it is out, and our therapist is very optimistic that we can overcome it and stay married and faithful. I’m dealing with my confusion and coming from a place of kindness instead of insecurity and resentment. I am convinced that my husband truly loves and is devoted to me and our wonderful life together.
In your opinion, is this a common bump in the road that we can grow and recover from? Can he fight his urges and remain faithful to me? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I just need to be able to set aside my fears in a positive, understanding way and drop the whole thing. We both want our marriage to last forever and he is willing to not view the things he knows would upset me. He realizes it is deceitful even though there is no physical acting out.
I am hopeful that with continued therapy, we can sort all this out and move beyond it. I respect your honest opinion and need to know that we are on the right path.
—Sea Dubbs
Communicating with honesty and kindness and working with a trained therapist is the right path no matter what, I’d say.
Yes, bisexuals are capable of monogamy. You’re one of my many readers who has confused bisexuality with polyamory. One doesn’t necessarily go with the other. Here, read this.
However, there’s an important unanswered question: can your husband identify his sexuality? The fact that he views bisexual pornography is not a definitive indicator to whether he is –- or isn’t –- bisexual, straight, or gay. Perhaps he knows how he identifies but hasn’t been honest with you because he’s afraid you’ll shame him, think he’s abnormal, be disappointed, or make him stop looking at porn.
Each couple comes up with their own terms for cheating; I think it’s time for you to reevaluate yours. Do you want your husband to eschew all porn, or just anything that indicates he’s other than heterosexual? If it’s the latter, would your opinion change if you accept that his preferred pornography is not the final judgment on his sexuality? Do you understand that even if you banned male porn for him, he can still use his imagination?
Do you fantasize about people, situations, and sexual acts that you would never want to experience in real life? If so, then why can’t your husband do the same?
My point is that mutually defining your terms for cheating is fair game, but you may have crossed a line. You cannot control him and it’s unfair for you to try. In fact, it will likely backfire as he does what he wants anyway and lies to you about it.
I think for him to be honest with you, he needs to know that you won’t try to control him, particularly using faulty information on sexuality. Show him that you’re willing to work toward that; I bet he’ll return the favor by eventually telling you who and what he’s really attracted to. And with the right information, you won’t feel threatened by it.
I have just recently come out as bi to a few close friends. Now, a year into my marriage, I am feeling less and less attraction to men and more and more of an attraction to women. It’s actually become somewhat uncontrollable. I have become involved with a female friend of mine, mainly on an emotional (and, at times, physical) level. She is so wonderful and when I am with her, I feel so relaxed and I feel like myself. This is not the first time in my relationship with my husband that this has happened. Any advice?
—Bi Wife
Wild Deuces, I have to admit that my first impulse was to be a bit tough on this questioner, as I felt she was being selfish and dishonest with her husband. But I knew that that wasn’t fair to her. I needed to try harder to be sympathetic and see where she was coming from. I thought that perhaps a bit more information might allow me to be less judgmental, so I wrote back to Bi Wife and asked, “Why did you get married?” She replied:
Dear Tiggy,
I got married because I loved my partner. I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him enough that I could suppress or ignore these other feelings I was having. He seemed OK with the fact that I was attracted to women. I’ve had “feelings” for a very long time; I can even remember having them in high school over 10 years ago. I grew up in North Carolina and didn’t really even know what it meant to be LGBT until I moved to Boston four years ago. I thought that all girls felt the way I feel and that it was just a phase. I wish I had known then what I know now.
—Bi Wife
And that’s all it took for me to get over my judgment and see the perspective of this particular Deuce. Actually, I was surprised that she didn’t seem offended by my question. I think if someone asked me why I got married, even if I had revealed that the marriage was not in a solid place, I’d say, “Because I loved zir,* duh.” But in just a few earnest words, she conveyed to me exactly how easy it would be to wind up in her shoes. Thanks for that, Bi Wife. Now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk snippiness, I can honestly say that my heart goes out to you.
I think the universe really threw you off when it gave you the opportunity to better understand your sexuality well after it gave you a great guy. It really should have done it in the opposite order, and now your life schedule is all out of whack. The universe is an idiot and kind of a jerkface. I think this is what scientists mean when they say the universe is dense.
Because of this, you’ve been trying to find your way through this process of self-discovery while staying married. It sounds like this process has gotten messy, and you need to admit the hard truth to yourself that you’ve cheated on your spouse with at least two people. Maybe you’re even ready to admit to yourself that exploration of your queer sexuality while being monogamously married to a man isn’t exactly working. However, I wouldn’t suggest that you make any immediate decisions about your whole arrangement; figuring this all out will be a process, so take your time.
Since you’re in Boston, I highly recommend that you attend the peer-led group, “Straight Marriage, Still Questioning” on the second Monday of each month. For more information, contact kate.e.flynn [at] gmail [dot] com. Unlike with your sometimes-slow pal Tiggy, you won’t have to wait a single second for these folks to “get” you. They’re in the same position you are and will welcome you into their mutually-supportive space with open arms.
I wish you much faith and courage on this difficult figuring-out period in your life, Bi Wife. I can only suggest that you try as hard as you can to be honest with yourself as you go along. And one more thing: I’d hold off on having children with your husband until you get this all sorted, if I were you.
I’m in a long-term relationship with the sweetest, most caring man in the world for six years. Sounds great, right? We just have one problem: I still occasionally crave a female sex partner. It got so bad at one point that I actually could not engage in sex with him. He allowed me to be with a female one time and we have been perfectly fine in the bedroom since. Now I’ve noticed that he’s become very insecure about my bisexuality and keeps asking if he is going to have to deal with that need every few years. I have no idea how to a) turn off that desire or b) help him to understand that it’s something that I personally can’t control. Please help.
—In Love with Needs
Of course he’s insecure about this. You both agreed to monogamy but now you want to change the rules mid-game. That’ll throw a dude off. From the looks of it, he probably feels like you withheld sex and then used your bisexuality as an excuse to justify your “need.” Please understand that this isn’t a need, it’s just a desire. It’s true that you can’t turn it off but that’s not to say that you’re at its mercy.
Let’s be clear: bisexuality and polyamory are two different things. Bisexuals don’t need a constant stream of both men and women any more than, say, a straight man needs a constant stream of blondes, brunettes, redheads, and raven-haired beauties. (Let us pause a moment to enjoy that yummy mental visual.) That’s a good thing because we’d all be exhausted trying to hook up with short and tall people, loud and quiet people, folks with brown/blue/hazel/green eyes – shoot, you’d have to bed the cast of Glee just to keep up. We do not need to fulfill our every urge, and a knack for enjoying the many genders provides no exception. When you choose to have a monogamous relationship, you choose not to act on your hankering to bone anyone other than your partner, regardless of demographic categories filled.
Do a cost-benefit analysis: would you rather enjoy the benefits of monogamy and forego being with women, or be free to be with women and eschew monogamy? It sounds like being poly is your preference but the catch here is that your beloved does not seem amenable. It’s possible, though, that if you come to an agreement of terms well in advance, that structure and transparency could make him feel secure enough to give it a go. (However, I’d warn against giving him a false sense of controlling your sexuality, i.e. him “allowing” you to be with someone.) Additionally, I’d take pains to make him see that your interest in an open relationship is not based on his supposed shortcomings. Let him know that he’s good enough, and that it’s not about that.
Nonetheless, if your guy is still not interested in an open relationship after you hash it out, you have a choice to make: monogamy with him or polyamory without him. I hate to say this to a fellow bi, but you can’t have it both ways.
