I am pansexual and possibly polyamorous. My girlfriend of three years, a devout monogamist, wants me to be able to express myself in whatever way I feel necessary.
Despite her total support, I am sexually unhappy in our relationship. She is unable to consider an open relationship and since I haven’t ever really been comfortable with my own sexuality, I haven’t had a chance to let myself experiment with other types of sex. This leads me to a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to provide her with the devotion and monogamy she deserves. I see no solution.
She says that if I truly wish to choose to be intimate with others, she cannot be with me. Throwing away our relationship for sex with strangers feels like the worst betrayal. I have been given an ultimatum to alone decide our future in the next day or two as she can’t wait for me to promise myself to her any longer. We aren’t happy now and aren’t sleeping in the same bed together after living and sleeping together for three years.
It is too painful for me to choose sexual freedom over love and emotional support but my feeling sexually repressed — be it a result of my own insecurities or her unwillingness to let me see other people in a sexual way — has led me to a collapse of libido and emotional stability. How can I choose when I’m so scared and alone?
-Max
The language you’re using to describe this tough situation paints you as the villain when you’re not. In order to get through this dilemma with the least amount of emotional damage to all parties, you need to reframe this story.
Devotion and monogamy are not the same thing. Even after reading your short letter, I have little doubt that you can and do offer devotion to this woman you clearly love. Does she “deserve” monogamy? Well, if so — in that she is a good person and “deserves” to have her desires met — then don’t you deserve polyamory?
When you honestly communicate to your partner a wish to express your sexuality and bravely come to terms with the consequent incompatibility of your relationship, you’re betraying yourself by couching that as “throwing away [your] relationship for sex with strangers.” The reality is that you two are fundamentally unsuited to each other and it’s no one’s fault. Cheating would have been the coward’s way out; you have eschewed that for the high road, so I cannot allow you to self-flagellate. There is nothing bad about wanting to explore your sexuality.
Please put this relationship out of its misery (your misery, her misery) – you both know it’s not working. It’s just not right to use this woman you love as a security blanket while you hold your breath and cross your legs for as long as you can stand it. I am sorry that being without a partner terrifies you but this, too, could use a reframing. You could view singledom as an opportunity to connect with new people and an adventure of self-discovery. Meanwhile, it sounds like you and she have a real mutual affection…is there a chance that you two can go on being friends?
Find a bisexual and/or poly support group in your area so you can feel supported enough to make the leap into being single. Max, don’t let fear and guilt dictate your not-at-all-selfish choices here.
Being poly is tremendous! No shame in being a bird who can’t help but fly. (Check the lyrics for an education…)
And Max, just because you’ll be single doesn’t mean you’ll be all alone.
I am pretty sure that I am bisexual, and I have had crushes on both men and women since I was twelve. I am nineteen now and I have never felt safe or comfortable telling anybody about my sexual orientation.
My older sister has a severe personality disorder, and will likely never marry or have kids, which makes me feel a lot of pressure to be the daughter that my parents didn’t get the first time around. If I told them what I was, I know they would be supportive but they would also be upset and I can’t bring any more grief into their lives.
Also, I highly value my friendships with heterosexual girls, and even though I have never been attracted to a straight girl, I am worried that they would feel uncomfortable with me if I came out to them.
My question for you is, do some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives and does this have a negative effect on them? All I want is to be happy.
-Eliza
Nah, you couldn’t care less about making yourself happy. You want to make sure everyone around you is happy, even if it kills you. Maybe especially if it kills you. You, my lovely lady, have a martyr complex.
Here are some things that are not your job:
To be the daughter your parents want /“deserve”
To produce a son-in-law and grandkids for your parents
To eliminate all grief in your parents’ lives
To assure your straight friends that you are not sexually or romantically interested in them
To ensure that those who interact with you are comfortable with your identity and your personal behavior, even at the expense of your own comfort
To be perfect for everyone else
Yes, some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives. And yes, living a life that does not feel authentic has terrible effects on virtually all who attempt it, including feeling isolated, unfulfilled, and phony.
Here’s a better choice: find other ways to feel in control of your environment without resorting to self-sacrifice. Develop a practice of self-care. Make choices about yourself that benefit you, and let friends and loved ones manage their own disappointment.
A martyr complex is probably the nicest of all of the complexes, but it isn’t nice to you. And your happiness matters.
Dear Tiggy,
My boyfriend of four months is bisexual and I am gay. I know this because he was open about it from the start. What he was not open about, however, was the fact that for the first two months we dated, he was also sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. She found out about me and told me about their relationship, and about the fact that he had already cheated on her several times with men while they were dating.
The girlfriend has now gone off to college (he’s 19, she’s 18, I’m 25), and the two of us are happy and reported to be monogamous. Problem is, she’s coming back for a fall break in October, and I’m confident they will have sex again every time she’s back in town.
I have no problem with him sleeping with women (trying to be GGG and a supportive boyfriend, giving him the freedom to have fun with parts I do not have) but I don’t want him sleeping with women he was at one point in love with!
Ugh. Am I crazy to be with him? Crazy to deny him sex with the ex? Crazy for dating a 19 year old, when clearly we’re in very different maturity stages in our lives? Part of me wants to leave him because I know this will only lead to future cheating and dishonesty, but I think I love him.
-Luke
I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, you’ve assessed the situation quite realistically. Most un-crazy monogamish folks have some kind of lines to draw in their relationships, and the boundary that you’re trying to set (i.e. no ex sex) is not unreasonable. You recognize and even articulate that your and his life stages are not aligned and that expecting him to adhere to this (albeit fair) rule is impractical.
No, not crazy at all — or, any more than the lot of us who have been in a similar situation. You’re just human, and hope burns eternal in the human heart. You’re clear-eyed enough to be 99% sure that this is going to end badly but there’s that 1% of you that secretly believes this might work out beautifully unless proven otherwise. It’s unfortunate but it appears that your heart has donned its powdered wig, taken its gavel, and proclaimed that Boyfriend Defendant cannot be convicted without evidence.
Looks like you’re going to have to ride this one out to its probably painful conclusion.
Go easy on yourself. It takes herculean strength — and then some — to say no to love, even stupid love. I predict that when you come out the other end of this, the next time someone dwarfed by your maturity entices you to board this particular merry-go-round, you’ll have the experience to say, “Nope, not again.”
Time to get selfish, Eliza. Or, as the French say, egoiste.
And speaking of French, Amelie adorably shows you how a martyr complex loses its flavor.
Oh, Wild Deuces, do I have some fun for you this bi-week. Instead of answering the latest question all by my lonesome, I’ve teamed up with Lorelei Erisis, a bisexual trans woman who is the brains and beauty behind the Ask A Trans Woman column in the Rainbow Times! Dust off your ear trumpet and listen in on our conversation about this bi cis woman and her trans girlfriend…
Dear Tiggy,
I hate to ask the age old “Am I bisexual if…” question, because I know I’m the only person who can answer that for myself, but here goes.
When I was younger, I was emotionally/romantically attracted to boys, but rarely felt sexually attracted to them. My friends would talk about how “hot” certain guys were and I just never got it. However, I’ve always felt emotionally/romantically and somewhat sexually attracted to girls, though in the past I didn’t understand these feelings and didn’t talk about them.
In high school, I started dating. I ended up dating this one guy for two years, and I really loved him, but I never felt a sexual attraction toward him. I just wanted to snuggle and maybe kiss. I felt guilty for not wanting to take things further because I know it hurt him. I guess now I realize I couldn’t control that.
A while after we broke up, I started dating someone else. After a few months of dating, my new “boyfriend” came out to me as a trans girl (who isn’t out to everyone/hasn’t started transitioning yet). I actually asked her and knew for a while before that, but when I knew for sure, I felt so happy!
We’re still together, and I’m very much in love with this girl. This is the first time a relationship has felt right for me, and I can’t help but wonder if part of that is because she’s a girl, or if it’s just because we’re good for each other in general. I have a hard time imagining myself with a guy now or in the future, not because I don’t think I have the capacity to love them romantically, but because that guy would have to be willing to keep sex to a minimum.
Is it still worth identifying as bisexual if I lean so much toward one side of the spectrum? Would it hurt my girlfriend’s feelings, who still hasn’t started transitioning yet, if I told her I was lesbian? I am very attracted to her and I think she’s beautiful, even if just by her mere spirit and femininity alone. And is it possible for sexuality to change over time, or does sexuality stay the same throughout life? Is it wrong for me to say that experience has shaped my sexuality?
~J
TU: Hi, Lorelei! Are you ready?
LE: Yeah, fo’ shizz. Let’s lesbian! (That’s a verb meaning “discuss.”)
TU: Hee! OK, so since I, Tiggy Upland, am cis, I wonder if you’ll indulge me as I posit how her girlfriend might respond to her identifying as a lesbian. Then you can tell me, O Wise Trans Woman, whether I’ve totally missed the mark. Up for it?
LE: The Wise and Powerful Trans Woman will answer your query!
TU: MOST EXCELLENT. So, I feel like everyone in this world just wants to be seen. We want to be acknowledged and, ideally, appreciated for how we really are. It hurts when we’re seen incorrectly or not at all. So for the letter-writer (LW) to say, “I’m a person who loves and is attracted to only women, and I love and am attracted to you” to her girlfriend who is just on the cusp of transitioning…I mean, I have to think that the girlfriend would feel really loved for who she is. Is that on point or maybe not?
LE: Yeah, I think that’s very on the mark. For a transwoman to have her cis lover identify as a lesbian can be very affirming. Personally, I don’t think the LWs girlfriend would very much object to the LW identifying as a lesbian because, well, they both identify as women. So, “lesbians” is fine.
TU: Generally speaking, lesbians is always fine. Particularly, fine lesbians.
LE: When I came out and began my transition, I was in a long-term relationship with a cis woman and I sort of kept finding myself being identified as a lesbian by default.
TU: Oh, interesting. Were you OK with that or not really?
LE: Well, I never really considered myself a lesbian. But it didn’t bother me either.
TU: You’re so easy-going. It’s hard to use you as a litmus test for whether behavior is offensive because The Erisis Way is just water off a duck’s back, baby.
LE: What was fun was to watch people’s reactions go from, “OMG, a giant trans woman!” to “Sweet Jaysus, she’s a lesbian, too!”
TU: People’s reactions are often the funniest part about life.
LE: Definitely. It’s one of the things I enjoy most. Now, of course, there is the issue of bisexual erasure. People identified me as a lesbian, but I identified as pansexual/bisexual and very, very queer.
TU: Well, here’s the tricky part of this letter: I wonder whether the LW is bi, only because she is wondering whether she’s bi. So is this really a case of bi erasure?
LE: Oh, possibly not. I think she’s actually acknowledging her journey more than anything else.
TU: I agree. You’ll notice that she didn’t want to give me the ol’ “Tiggy, tell me whether I’m bi” gambit because she knows that I’m going to say, “Only you know that.”
LE: Preach! I know my own sexuality has changed radically over the years.
TU: Oh, let’s dig into that part of the letter: whether your sexuality can change, and whether it’s OK to publicly acknowledge that if that’s your experience. I think this philosophy is often seen as a ticking time bomb because it’s a slippery slope from “My sexuality changed” to “I can change my sexuality” to “I can change from queer to straight.”
LE: Politically, it’s a very slippery slope. Personally, I think that attraction and sexual preferences are incredibly complex and subject to a whole host of influences.
TU: I feel about it the same way I feel about God, the universe, etc. (I’m UU/agnostic): I don’t know how it all works and neither does anyone else.
LE: For me, I have found that the best way to assure I will find myself attracted to a type of person is to swear I would never be into that type of person!
TU: Ha, oh that’s so true.
LE: I was raised UU and I’m a practicing Discordian. My goddess, Eris, likes little more than to mess with what I think I know for absolute sure.
TU: She must be my goddess, too, then. Well, so, what’s the truth? Is it some people’s truth that their actual sexuality changes? And if so, can we control that? Is it “wrong” to admit that?
LE: I have personally found very little success in intentionally trying to change who I am attracted to. I think it is some people’s truth that their sexuality changes and I don’t think it’s wrong to admit that.
TU: It can be a very threatening concept to monosexuals.
LE: Yes. People like to think everything is all laid out and neat. Done. Determined. Figured out. Not subject to change. Because change is scary.
TU: Perhaps a dynamic sexuality is a fact of life for some people, but not something that we can harness. [pause] I sure do hate a difficult harness.
LE: Yessssssss. I hate a difficult harness, too!
TU: [snicker] We’re terrible.
LE: Mwuahahahahhahahahahaaaa! But really, I think if you can be open to a dynamic sexuality, it can really be a wonderful thing.
TU: As much as I say that only you can determine your sexuality….well, she did ask, so I’m going to take the liberty of saying that maybe her sexuality hasn’t changed. In carefully reading the letter, one could make a case that she’s been homosexual but biromantic her whole life.
LE: Good call, Tiggy! So the only thing that has changed is who her partner is. And her partner is a woman; she just happens to be a trans one.
TU: I had a good friend who seemed to have a major personality change around the time when we were 18. I came to the conclusion that she actually hadn’t “changed,” she just expanded a part of her personality that I hadn’t noticed as much — or had ignored — before. Maybe that’s what’s happening with the LW: a part of her just became more prominent or developed.
LE: We show different faces to the world as we move through life. I was always Lorelei Erisis but I’ve worn different faces.
TU: I’m not necessarily saying that one’s sexuality can’t change. I’m just offering a theory that maybe hers didn’t become something different so much as her relationship brought out pieces that were always there.
LE: Indeed. Her relationship has allowed her to make new discoveries about what was already inside of her. I’m also guessing from the chronology that the LW is fairly young. At around that age, I had a lot of discoveries about my own self still many years down the line. I’m not saying she will change, but that she might. There is still a lot of life ahead for her.
TU: Of course, the feelings of so many young bisexuals are often dismissed because of their age/sexuality. But I think we’re just saying that there’s more to uncover. So, would you tell this LW how to identify? I still think I can’t but if you want to, give it a shot.
LE: Heh. Surrrrrrrrre! I would tell her that if “lesbian” resonates with her, to go with that. Labels, at least for me, aren’t all that bad. They are just a filter for understanding ourselves as we are in this moment. If she feels different down the line, she can change her identity as often as her clothes, if that’s what works for her.
TU: I had a column a while back that said your sexual identity is like a favorite shirt. If it doesn’t fit after a while, just get a new shirt!
LE: Oooooohhh, I love getting new clothes!
TU: Of course, some prefer to go topless and that’s valid, too. Rest assured, I will always validate toplessness.
LE: Some things find solidity in our lives. Who I’m attracted to has changed; that I value kindness has not.
TU: Some things are not at all dynamic, like my love of topless friends. Actually, this might be a good point to make a public service announcement: some folks fear that since they’re attracted to unhealthy people now, they always will be. And I’m here to say that is definitely something that changes as you grow as a person.
LE: Definitely.
TU: And thank goodness. And thank Eris.
LE: Hail Eris indeed!
TU: Yeah! Have we left anything out of the letter that we should address? Perhaps you have some final strokes of brilliance?
LE: I would tell the LW to enjoy the moment of being in love with her trans girlfriend. Try on the identity of “lesbian” if that is what resonates with you. Be in the moment. And if it all changes later on, then that’s okay, too.
TU: That’s so great. Yes, be in love! Get lost in the swirling vertigo of connecting with a fellow human. So rare, so ubiquitous, so unique, so yours. Hug her in the summer sun.
LE: Isn’t that what all this is all about anyway? Being alive and loving and experiencing and tasting the whole thing that life has to offer!
TU: You know, you shouldn’t have made this chat so fun because I’m going to insist that we do this again at some point. Until then, I’m going to be jealous of your long, luxurious hair from afar.
LE: I think that’s a glorious idea! My hair appreciates your jealousy. Slainte!
My ultimate vision for a collaboration with Lorelei is a queer version of “Girlfriends” talk show in which I’m the Morgan and she’s the Kyra, naturally.
I am 19 years old. A couple months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was her first homosexual relationship and she has never had a boyfriend. It’s funny because she always said she was bisexual without having had a relationship with a guy.
How can I know if I was just an experience for her? Does she prefer men or women? How can I get back with her? She herself sometimes rejects things about her sexuality.
-Melisa
Well, now you’ve done it. You’ve infuriated Tiggy.
First, I offer you a lesson on what is and is not “funny.” Funny is Maria Bamford’s Sophisticated Lady voice. Funny is Brian Regan’s emergency room bit. Funny is Dave Atell, in a Not At All Safe For Work, Oh-Ho, Not Nearly way. These things are very amusing. There is nothing at all amusing about someone telling you that they identify as bisexual but have never had a relationship with a person of a particular gender. This information is not a knee-slapper.
Perhaps you meant not “funny-ha-ha” but “funny-weird.” In this case, too, you have misjudged. This kind of “funny” best describes when you’re at work and you go to the bathroom, mostly because you’re bored but also because it’s 10:00 a.m. and that’s when you usually take your morning constitutional anyway, and you sit down and wait for the person in the other stall to finish up and leave before you “meditate on your high-fiber diet,” as it were, because she was there first and that’s the rule, and of course she takes four hours at the sink, just GO, and after you do your thing while thinking, “Do I surf the internet too much at work? I’m an awful person,” you turn around to flush with your foot, but you see your poop is a bit…green. Why is it greenish?
Well, that’s funny.
Then you remember that you had blue chip nachos the night before. Crisis averted. [flush]
But being bisexual and never having had a relationship with someone of a certain gender is not odd, or even interesting. Many people of all sexualities know what sorts of people attract them before they have relationships. If you are under the impression that she needs to have a relationship with people of at least two different genders to prove to herself, the world, and you that she is bisexual, alas, you are wrong again. Bisexuality needs no validation.
Moving on: you ask whether she prefers men or women. Your ex-girlfriend prefers men, women, and probably other genders as well. That’s what it is to be bisexual. To be honest, there are many things in this world that I do not understand without a thorough discussion during which I might ask several clarifying questions. Friends the world over are experts in subjects with which I have, at best, a passing acquaintance. I remind myself of this when I am asked to explain something to another who is just being introduced to a concept that I have known for many years. But for the life of me, I cannot fathom what is so hard for some people to understand about the basic idea of bisexuality. It’s when a person has romantic and/or sexual feelings for people who are the same gender and different genders from him/herself. You know what it isn’t? Rocket science.
As for just being an experience for her, you might know if she gave you any indication that you were just an experience for her. Her bisexuality is no such indicator. And I’m sure she does reject things about her sexuality. When she is bombarded day in and day out with bitter messages against her identity that range from disheartening to disgusting, even from the people in life who she most hoped would support her — like her girlfriend — then it’s nigh on impossible to prevent the infection of internalized biphobia. Being treated according to stereotypes instead of as a human being can wear on a gal.
In a conversation with an artist friend a few months back, I said that I loved public art but had such trouble interpreting it because there were no curators to help me. She explained that I needed to participate more, to actively bring to the table my thoughts and feelings on the piece. It was an A-ha Moment for me, and it made me aware of other instances in which people wanted answers to the mysteries of life without having to lift a finger. In your case, you took the initiative to write to me but did you read any other Ask Tiggy letters to get some sense of bisexuality? Did you read anything on the Bisexual Resource Center website? These questions are rhetorical, as you would never have written the letter above if you made even a small effort to understand.
I don’t know if you can get your girlfriend back because you’ve told me exactly nothing about your relationship, save for your belief that its negatives all hinge on her bisexuality. Armed with no other knowledge, I can only wager a guess that your girlfriend left to find a partner who isn’t prejudiced against her. If you care about her, you won’t try to get her back; I suspect she deserves better than what you’ve shown her so far. If you care about your future girlfriends, some of whom might be bisexual, you’ll click above where it says “Back to the BRC Website” and read up.
