August 19, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

July 7, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 and I know for sure that I’m bi, although I like females a little more than I like males. I feel really scared to tell my parents. My family despises the LGBT community and I’m afraid that if I tell them, they’ll never accept me. I am planning on having my principal help me come out to my parents. I go to a Catholic school, so I feel like an outsider. How do I come out to my parents without them treating me differently and how can I be more proud of who I am?

-Kayla

July 8, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I am planning on coming out to my parents with the help of my principal on October 11 (Coming Out Day) which is a week after my birthday. How do I cope with the negative reaction my parents will have finding out that their 12-year-old daughter is bi? How do I feel proud about being bi in a Catholic school?

-Kayla

July 30, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 years old and I’ll be turning 13 years old in October but I am 110% positive that I’m bi. I go to a Catholic school and I’m really worried about me coming out in that type of environment. I told a couple of my closest friends at school about it and they have become my biggest supporters. My friend helped me talk to my principal about it and she told me to wait until I turn 13 to confirm it.

I still strongly believe that I’m bi but I’m too afraid to tell my parents. My parents aren’t okay with the LGBT community at all so it’s hard for me to deal with the fact that eventually I have to tell them that I’m a part of it. How do I come out in a way for them to accept me and how should I react if they don’t? Also, what are the some pros and cons about coming out?

-Kayla

Kayla, you’ve found my weakness: being relentlessly pursued! I do love a good chase. Well, you finally caught me, you ol’ saucebox, so I think that means I have to grant you three wishes. I hope advice on your three questions will suffice. Fortunately for me, they’re all the same question.

I think the query I get more than any other is “How do I come out?” but it comes in different packages. Most Wild Deuces write to me with just that line and little to no other information. I can’t help those people; coming out is such a personal act and any tips I might have to ensure safety and increase the chances of a positive response would be extremely specific to each situation.

Often when I get that plea, I’m unsure of what the letter writer is really asking. Coming out is not really about the “how.” There are many ways you could come out, whether armed with further educational material or empty-handed, canned or improv, with a bang or a whimper. It’s more about the “why” and the “should I?” — do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Again, it’s crucial that the answers are specialized to the coming-outer.

I see that you’ve already answered both “should I?” and “how.” Asking your Catholic school principal for help is a bold move, and rather brilliant. It will be good to have an adult with you to mediate the interaction, and from your description she sounds like a level-headed lady. You’ve also developed a cadre of supporters among your friends, for which you’ll be especially thankful as you work this out with your family.

I understand that you want your parents to accept you and not treat you differently but this is the part where your only option is to adjust your expectations. The fact is, your family is Catholic (I assume) and you know they don’t like LGBT people. There is a small chance that they’ll have an immediate change of heart about queer people once they realize that their beloved child is one. You need to prepare, though, for the more likely possibility that this is going to take a lot of getting used to for them. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have recommended that you come out right now considering how long six more years under their roof and in a Catholic school will feel if they take this badly. But it sounds like you’re determined and you’ve laid some excellent groundwork for your big post-birthday surprise.

Here are a few tips that might be useful:

  • Read the BRC’s “Coming Out As Bi” webpage in the “Youth” section and watch the videos.
  • Get in touch with a queer youth organization in your area to bolster your support network.
  • Read this letter to parents of bi kids. If you think it would be helpful to your parents, print it out and give it to them when you come out.
  • If your parents are struggling with reconciling your bisexuality with their faith, point them toward the Dignity website.
  • As I counseled a Deuce coming out to her college roommate, you should tell them what “bisexual” means to you.
  • Like I told this other Deuce, don’t tell them you think that “everyone is bisexual.” Speak to your own feelings.

They will almost definitely claim that you’re too young to know what your sexuality is and that this is a phase. Probably what would work best is not to engage in the argument at all, simply replying, “I want you to be prepared if it isn’t.”

I think your real question, the real question behind every coming out letter I get, is, “How can I come out so that nothing will change?” You can’t. You can’t make them have the perfect reaction. Life is messy. But you’re opening the door to something more authentic, more magical, more you than you can imagine.

Here’s 13-year-old Jojo encouraging you to Get Out (of the closet). That’s peer support right there.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 16, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, this recent post on Gawker about a guy whose dad found out he’s gay via his blog is making me think twice about my answer to this questioner. Is it OK not to come out to a parent when you’ve come out to the rest of your family, or is it ultimately hurtful? Join the BRC’s Facebook page and tell me what you think.

And oh my gosh, was Bilicious fun. Loved seeing you, Lovelies.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 years old, so really my whole sexuality is up in the air. People say I shouldn’t even know who I’m attracted to yet but I know. I’ve liked boys and I’ve liked girls, and I am proud to say that I am probably bisexual. However, I feel like I am way too young to come out, or even tell more than one or two people.

That’s why it’s hard for me to stand up for LGBT rights, defend LGBT people, and stop others from using the word “gay” as an insult. My peers label anyone who stands up for that as gay. I don’t want everybody to know about me, not now anyway. Any advice?

-Amanda

Isn’t it strange how we have an easier time standing up for others than for ourselves? I think it’s more than just not wanting to come out prematurely. When we stand up for our own community, it seems like we’re only doing it out of self-interest but when an ally takes a stand, the objectivity somehow legitimizes her plea for respecting a class of people as human beings. (As if a request for basic human respect is “legitimate” based on who does the asking. Dang, people are weird.)

In any case, you should not feel pressured to come out until you’re good and ready. In dealing with knuckleheads accusing you of queeritude solely to undermine your fight against homo/biphobia, you have a few options.

1.) Tell them your cousin is bi, your mom’s best friend is a lesbian, etc. Then you’ll be in the “ally” role, which feels safer. Please note that this only works if it’s true. If people find out that you’ve concocted a gay uncle from thin air, you’re really going to look suspicious.

2.) Emphatically agree with your accusers. “Yes, I am a lesbian! I do it with every girl I know!” It’ll take the wind out of their sails like nothing else. There’s no sting to evilly-intended words that you welcome with open arms, even if everyone around you knows you’re not sincere about it. This method is a junior version of “reclaiming a word,” which is something that activists do on the regular.

3.) Address it with your closest friends individually, and work your way up to dealing with it as a united front. If someone in your group starts trashing LGBTs, wait until you’re alone with a compassionate friend and say, “I wish she wouldn’t say that, don’t you? There’s nothing wrong with gay people.” Over time, bring it up in a similar way with one or two other friends who might agree. The next time the bashing happens in a group, you can silently give these friends a look like, “Oh no, not this again.” Eventually, I believe one of you will say something and the others can back her up.

Give yourself a break, though, Amanda. Group dynamics are really, really hard in middle school. If you do have the guts to stand up against homo/biphobia, please believe that there is at least one secretly queer person in the crowd who will be forever grateful, and many more who are quietly impressed with your character.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 1, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m being bullied for my sexuality, but it’s tricky: I’m a bisexual 14-year-old in northeast Louisiana. Recently, I came out to a friend who I trusted, but they told the entire school. Now that everyone knows I’m bi, I’ve been picked on for acting feminine. I’ve also been called things such as “faggot” and “whore” in front of teachers, who all turn their heads as the kids continue to bully me.

I would try to tell a counselor but my school is a predominantly Christian, homo/biphobic place. Not one adult there supports the LGBT community. Though I’m a larger, more muscular type of person, I’m very mellow, so I am trying not to let them instigate a fight. However, some students have tried to start fights and have threatened me.

What do I do?

—Special K

There are two major things to know:

You are not alone.

In December, a 17-year-old girl in Massachusetts was beaten up for being bi. The BRC made this video for her, and for all of the bullied bi kids out there. You can use the resources we talk about in the video to answer the questions you might have about being bi and to connect with our community. There are hundreds of thousands of us; in fact, bisexuals are the biggest group in the queer community. We’re here for you, Special K.

And you’re not alone as a bullied teen, either. Watch David Aponte’s video where he talks about being picked on for stupid reasons and then having adults at his school react inappropriately. Sound familiar? This happened and still happens to so many of us. The good news is that a confluence of events – including the many “It Gets Better” videos on YouTube, which you should also watch – has brought the issue of bullying to the forefront in this country and it’s not acceptable for adults to ignore it anymore. Which brings us to the second point…

You cannot go through this alone.

You have to tell your parents.

Hold up – you don’t have to come out to them. You just need to tell them that you’re being bullied. Tell them that random kids are calling you names and trying to get you to fight them. If they ask why kids are calling you “faggot” or saying that you act feminine, you can say: 1.) you don’t know, 2.) they’re jerks, 3.) they don’t even know what they’re talking about, or 4.) all of the above. Your parents already know that kids act like this, and that’s why they probably won’t even ask anyway.

I’m really hoping that your school is public because there are certain government standards by which they must abide. This law in Louisiana requires “local school boards to adopt policies prohibiting harassment, intimidation and bullying by students and protecting students and employees who report such incidents.” Your parents can bring this up at a school committee meeting or in a private meeting with your principal. I know it’s beyond embarrassing to have people at school know that your parents are sticking up for you, but they probably won’t know at all. It’s not like your parents are calling other kids’ parents.

In short, they need to bring this to the school’s attention and politely point out that the administration is required by law to do something. The school might then create a student-led anti-bullying group, show the movie “Bully” to the students and faculty, or hold some other awareness-raising program. Trust me, they’ll do something. They can be as backward as they want but let me tell you, there’s not a school in America that wants angry parents, bad press, or questions from government funders about whether they’re following the law. And once your school puts a focus on anti-bullying, the teachers will stop pretending that they don’t see it happening.

Here are some fantastic resources that your parents might be interested in: http://www.stopbullyinglouisiana.org/resources. Please tell them today, and let me know how it goes.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.