August 5, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of two years just came out to me as bisexual. I’m really confused because we’ve had an excellent sex life for a year and a half. We’ve also had an excellent relationship. It’s the strongest either of us have ever been in.

When he told me of his bisexuality, I told him that I would give him a free pass to try being with a guy. I gave him a few stipulations, like that he can’t have full out sex with him and he has to tell me immediately afterwards what he was thinking and feeling — every possible thing he can think of. I also said I didn’t really want them to be friends because it would make me feel really hurt. He vehemently refused this free pass although I’ve offered it to him three times now.

He wants to marry me and isn’t interested in expressing the attraction he has to men. I don’t know what to think or do! I love him, he loves me, and we are both 100% devoted to each other, but I don’t think I’ll be completely comfortable again in our relationship until I know what he wants. He says he only wants me and no one else.

Please help. I’m falling apart over here. I’m terrified he’ll get bored and leave me because he’ll decide he likes men more. He is my first everything so I feel this incredibly deep emotional attachment to him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.

-Megan

This relaxation exercise should help: become aware of the muscles in your right pinky finger. Relax them until your pinky goes limp. Do the same with your left pinky; both are now loose and free. Repeat with your ring fingers, middle fingers, and index fingers. As you complete the exercise by slackening your thumbs and palms…

…you should be able to unclasp your hands from around your boyfriend’s throat.

Your “free pass” is not free. The price he pays is your getting to set the precise parameters for the sexual activity he is allowed to engage in and the relationship he is allowed to have with his sexual partner after their encounter (i.e. none). And, of course, he must do an exhaustive brain dump for you so that you can Thought Police him.

Your “free pass” is not a pass. It’s an order. It’s not for your boyfriend; he doesn’t want it. It’s for you, so you can convince yourself that he’s gotten it out of his system. You want him to exorcise this demon under tightly controlled conditions so that you can go forward in life without the slightest worry that he’ll ever leave you. You’re projecting your insecurities onto him and then trying to fix them by fixing him. Not only does it not work but it’s also no way to treat a fellow sentient being, much less someone you purport to love.

The bisexuality element of the situation is easy. He doesn’t feel the need to be with other men in the same way that you don’t feel the need to be with other men. Bisexuals are as capable of monogamy as anyone else. He has told you that he does not want to explore that part of his sexuality with someone else; it’s on you that you don’t believe him.

The part you’re playing here is a much larger cause for concern than bisexuality. You’re acting out of fear and ignorance*, and your controlling behavior could be a precursor for abuse. Healthy partners come to terms with the fact that life offers no guarantees and control is almost always an illusion. He may think he wants to marry you but the harsh reality is that you’re not nearly emotionally ready.

The best thing you can do right now is get to a place where you know that if you split up for any reason, you’d be OK. Really, I promise you: you would be OK. He’ll still be your first everything, you will keep a special place for him in your heart forever, but you would eventually move on with your life. I’m not saying this because I think you’re going to break up. I’m saying this because your refusal to believe that you’d survive it is starting to turn you into a monster.

*To address this: scroll up, click on “Back to the BRC website” and read.

 
Just have sex with a guy, then put on this Christopher Walken headset so I can experience your every thought and feeling about it, and we’ll never have another problem. Easy peasy.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 10, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 27-year-old male and never thought about being gay or bisexual. I always said I have no problem if someone else is as long as they are happy.

About three months ago, I met a psychic who insists that I am bisexual. (She herself is bi.) I tend to overthink so, for a month, I ruminated on this and was in a serious depression. I tried my best to remember my thoughts and feelings on sexuality throughout the years and nothing made sense.

I spoke to a friend who is married with a child and says he is bi. This guy admits to having a crush on me for years. I’ve tried to be a good friend to him because he’s had a hard life. His solution and only solution to my sexuality dilemma is that I have to try sex with another man.

As far as I know, I’ve never been attracted to a guy in that way — i.e. never said that a guy is hot, never wanted to kiss a man, etc. My friend said he went through the same thing and I must try it because rationalizing it doesn’t work. I was very close to trying it because I kept thinking about it…it was basically stuck in my brain. I would look at guys trying to see if I’m attracted to them, I looked at gay porn, I did almost everything to determine whether I like sex with men, except trying it. I was on the verge of suicide because it bothered me so much and I’ve been a bit depressed lately.

I am going to a therapist now and I’m doing much better. I do believe I’m straight. I have a girlfriend who is trying to help me through this. We were talking about getting married and having children before all this but I held up that process because this needed to be dealt with. I love her, and I’ve had prior relationships and sex with women which I enjoyed.

I’m seeking an unbiased opinion. I’ve thought about being with a man so much that I almost thought I am bi but I have no attraction to men. When I talk to my friend, he seems to mean well but I get really depressed so I blocked all contact with him.

His reasons for knowing I am bisexual are as follows:

  • I used to flirt with him (I cannot remember this)
  • I help my mother
  • I do not sleep around with women even though I have the opportunity
  • I do not wear my pants down by my butt
  • I have gay coworkers that I get along with
  • I looked at gay porn to see if I had a response

What is your opinion? Thank you so much.

-Mason

There is nothing in this list or your letter that even remotely indicates that you are bisexual. In fact, to say that any of these bulleted items have to do with sexual orientation is absurd.

Keeping in mind that depression and anxiety are different sides of the same coin, it’s possible that your depression triggered obsessive behaviors surrounding your anxiety toward bisexuality. A column I wrote this past spring may shed more light on that for you. It might also be that the thing you’re really anxious about is that your relationship is on its way to marriage and kids. Perhaps you subconsciously transferred the object of your worries to your sexuality in order to have an excuse to put the wedding on hold. In any case, I have to tell you, Mason: I’m a little bit worried about you, buddy. Not for anything having to do with sexuality, but because you seem to be highly suggestible and it’s left you vulnerable to nefarious characters.

Take, for example, this psychic you visited. I don’t believe in psychics but I’m hoping that in time, you will agree with me that at least this particular one is a charlatan. I’m not sure what she even gets out of convincing you that you’re bisexual — maybe camaraderie, if she has no fellow bisexual friends? Or a guaranteed repeat-customer, because she thinks you’ll keep coming back to see what other unlikely things she’ll divine for you? Regardless, you have logic on your side (e.g. you’ve never been attracted to men) while all she has is a “vision,” which anyone can make up. And yet, you doubted yourself.

Worse still is this so-called friend who is preying on you with the obvious motive of having sex with you. He says he’s into you, he gives the most cockamamie reasons I’ve ever heard to “prove” your bisexuality, and insists that the only way you’ll know your sexuality for sure is — surprise! (not!) — to have sex with him. This selfish schemer is more transparent than the damned Windex factory…and yet, once again, you doubted yourself.

I certainly don’t wish for you to transform into a crusty old cynic but people who haven’t honed their critical thinking skills are often chosen as marks by domineering individuals bent on exploitation. A post on the blog Band Back Together discusses what psychological manipulation looks like and the characteristics of people typically targeted. Take a look…would you say any of these apply to you?

  • A desire to please and earn the approval and acceptance of others
  • Naivete (the victim doesn’t want to believe that anyone is cunning or ruthless and may be in denial of own victimhood)
  • A fear of negative emotions
  • Over-internationalization (believing what the manipulator says to be true, which can result in self-doubt or shame)
  • Excessive empathy (the victim tries really hard to understand the point of view of the manipulator and believes the manipulator has a justifiable reason to be hurtful)
  • Over-conscientiousness (victim is too willing to give the manipulator the benefit of the doubt)
  • Low self-confidence (victim lacks the ability to say no, doubts themselves, lacks confidence)
  • Emotional dependency (the victim has a dependent or submissive personality)
  • Low emotional skills (when the victim does not understand his or her emotional self well, they misinterpret feelings)

It might be helpful if you and your therapist concentrated on this rather than on your sexuality. If you’re so inclined, pick up a copy of what Skeptic magazine called a critical thinking classic: Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Thomas E. Kida. It will help you avoid people like your “friend” who is playing mind games with you to get you into bed.

If I haven’t been clear enough yet: that guy is not your friend. He’s a jerk and you should stay far, far away from him, I don’t care how hard his life has been. I’m sad that two of the bisexuals you’ve met so far have been rather sinister, but I swear on a stack of elegant coffeetable books that most of us are kind and delightful.

Trust yourself, Mason. You have more of the answers than you think.

Puppeteers, be gone with your strings! Tiggy banishes you with three magic words.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 19, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have been married to the love of my life for a little over three years and we have a two-year-old son whom I love more than life itself. I have always been interested in guys, although I don’t so much find them attractive or check them out. I have had encounters with men before and enjoyed it.

I recently confessed to my wife this deep secret and she was happy that I told her but at the same time was very overwhelmed. I want to do it again but my wife doesn’t believe in any kind of sex outside of marriage. I respect her feelings but I keep wondering about it.

I can’t help how I feel and I don’t think I can go through my entire life suppressing these feelings. I asked if we could have a threesome but she never wants to touch or be with another guy besides me. She offered to try new things but I don’t think this would suffice. Any suggestions? I have no idea what to do.

-Confused

Fine readers: this is why you communicate your sexual desires and preferences to your partner before — or instead of — pledging lifelong monogamy.

Confused, that ship has sailed for you, so let us forge ahead. Since this confession was so recent, your wife is still processing the information and trying, as you are, to mentally fit it into the parameters of your marriage. The information, the parameters, or both will have to be compromised and you’re both still coming to terms with that fact.

You offered some good possibilities (e.g. a threesome, a rendezvous for you outside of your marriage) and her reply was negative. But that was just her initial reaction, and surely you can understand such a response when you answered her proposal for “trying new things” likewise. If you approach this as a series of conversations instead of a single question with a yes/no answer, the process will open communications and grease the wheels of compromise.

Please find a therapist to guide you two in discussing how a mutually beneficial sex life might look. This list of bi-friendly therapists is an excellent place to start searching. For this to work, both of you need to be open-minded about the possibilities. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for her to eventually decide that she’s OK with you having sex with men as long as she can be there (or as long as she doesn’t have to be there). And perhaps once you experience the new things she wants to try, you’ll find them satisfying after all.

Note, too, that being a closeted bi — i.e. one who suppresses certain feelings — can be agony but that’s very different from being a monogamous bi. After all, when you married, didn’t you willingly agree to stop acting on your sexual feelings for other women? What I mean is, it’s possible that just being able to talk openly about your feelings for men to your wife and/or a community of bisexuals will be enough for you.

She’s the love of your life, Confused. I have total faith that with a trained therapist mediating your talks, you two can devise a sex life that satisfies you both.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 4, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am engaged to the man of my dreams and I’m really happy with my relationship as a whole. However, I have a problem: my best girl friend is always trying to get me to make a move on her. She is straight and in a relationship with my best guy friend. I really like her and have been attracted to her for a while, but I feel used. You see, I feel like she’s playing my affections against her boyfriend so that he gets jealous.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose friends but I also don’t want to feel manipulated. Help!

-Korinne

Bad news: your friend is acting like a selfish asshat.
Good news: she might not actually be a selfish asshat, just clueless, and that’s curable.

You didn’t say whether the two relationships in question are monogamous, polyamorous, or one of each, but I figure that if everyone involved is poly, you’d have gone for the hook-up by now. Therefore, I’m going to answer this assuming that both relationships are monogamous, but please write back to me if they’re not.

Your best friend is so desperate for her boyfriend’s attention that she’s willing to hurt your feelings, put you in a position that might blow up your impending marriage, and make her boyfriend anxious. You might wonder how someone could be so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t recognize their own uber-obnoxious behavior, but it happens, and not infrequently. If you give her the benefit of the doubt, I think you’ll likely snap her out of this just by bringing it to her attention.

The next time she flirts with you, respond flatly with: “What are you doing?” and perhaps follow up with, “It seems like you’re flirting with me, and I don’t know why you’d do that since neither of us is single.” Don’t soften it by laughing it off. I hear that you don’t want to cause drama but she’s been pretty up front with the fact that she’s perfectly fine with causing drama. The weight of your group dynamics should not and does not rest entirely on your shoulders. Calling out her behavior is the only way to stop it.

And don’t fall for the ol’ “I was just kidding” gambit, either. If that comes into play, immediately respond, “No, you weren’t. You’re messing with my head, and your boyfriend’s, and you’re disrespecting our relationships. Knock it off.”

You know, though…I’m not fully confident that you’re going to confront her. I know that you don’t want to lose friends, but maybe you also don’t want her to stop flirting with you? In fact, maybe if she was going to actually hook up with you instead of tease you, you wouldn’t mind so much? These are just vibes I’m getting from your letter, and I’ll admit that sometimes vibes get damaged in the mail. But if that is how you feel, just know that there’s no shame in putting off the wedding date until you’re sure that you’re ready for a lifetime commitment to a monogamous partner.

Plenty of shame in cheating, though. In case you were wondering.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 23, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 31-year-old male married to a woman. I’ve always been pretty out with my bisexuality and found the gay community astonishingly closed-minded. This is about my parents, specifically my dad.

When I lived at home, I truly believe that had I tried to explain that I was bisexual and heteroromantic, I would have been kicked out. Now I’m more financially stable than my parents and several states away. I’ve been wanting recently, especially now that I’m married, to officially state to them what my orientation is. I’m sure my mom already knows and couldn’t possibly care less. She’s cool like that.

However, my dad is very religious and I think it would simply hurt him. I’m not sure if he could even understand it if I explained it to him. Lately, it’s been gnawing away at me as we’ve gotten a bit closer in recent months. I don’t know if I should just suppress it and spare him, or let it out and feel better. I’m not sure how much it would hurt him or how much it would help me. What do you think?

-Anthony

Coming out in the societally proscribed manner of sitting people down, pausing dramatically, and trumpeting, “I AM A BISEXUAL” isn’t for everyone. There are so many ways to let friends and family know that side of you. I think that in coming out to your father, you should think outside of the box.

It sounds like you’re ready to come out to your mom, so go for it. And here’s a thought: if you think it will empower her (as opposed to burdening her), tell her that you don’t have any plans as of yet to come out to your father, but you don’t mind if she tells him. Not only are you saving her from the uncomfortable position of keeping a secret from him, but you’re also allowing the person who knows him best to present the information in the most palatable way (if at all).

My take on your situation is that while you and your dad love each other, you don’t really “get” each other. There’s a pretty high probability that he won’t be able to accept your news in the way that you’ll convey it. Your mother, however, loves and gets both of you; who better to act as an emotional translator?

Once you tell your mother this, consider it done. Go forward assuming he knows on some level. I don’t foresee any talks about the men you dated prior to marrying your wife, but I doubt that would have happened in any circumstance. I think the tangible difference will be your not having to hide evidence of your sexuality anymore. That may be the closest you can get to him on this aspect of your life.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 15, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I recently found out that my husband of seven years has been viewing bi porn. I had my suspicions that he may have these tendencies but we are in a monogamous, loving, hetero marriage.

We are currently in counseling because I was overwhelmed with having this in front of my face and felt betrayed. I’m angry and afraid that this might destroy our relationship, and because he never really admitted it to me, even though I questioned him over the years.

Now it is out, and our therapist is very optimistic that we can overcome it and stay married and faithful. I’m dealing with my confusion and coming from a place of kindness instead of insecurity and resentment. I am convinced that my husband truly loves and is devoted to me and our wonderful life together.

In your opinion, is this a common bump in the road that we can grow and recover from? Can he fight his urges and remain faithful to me? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I just need to be able to set aside my fears in a positive, understanding way and drop the whole thing. We both want our marriage to last forever and he is willing to not view the things he knows would upset me. He realizes it is deceitful even though there is no physical acting out.

I am hopeful that with continued therapy, we can sort all this out and move beyond it. I respect your honest opinion and need to know that we are on the right path.

—Sea Dubbs

Communicating with honesty and kindness and working with a trained therapist is the right path no matter what, I’d say.

Yes, bisexuals are capable of monogamy. You’re one of my many readers who has confused bisexuality with polyamory. One doesn’t necessarily go with the other. Here, read this.

However, there’s an important unanswered question: can your husband identify his sexuality? The fact that he views bisexual pornography is not a definitive indicator to whether he is –- or isn’t –- bisexual, straight, or gay. Perhaps he knows how he identifies but hasn’t been honest with you because he’s afraid you’ll shame him, think he’s abnormal, be disappointed, or make him stop looking at porn.

Each couple comes up with their own terms for cheating; I think it’s time for you to reevaluate yours. Do you want your husband to eschew all porn, or just anything that indicates he’s other than heterosexual? If it’s the latter, would your opinion change if you accept that his preferred pornography is not the final judgment on his sexuality? Do you understand that even if you banned male porn for him, he can still use his imagination?

Do you fantasize about people, situations, and sexual acts that you would never want to experience in real life? If so, then why can’t your husband do the same?

My point is that mutually defining your terms for cheating is fair game, but you may have crossed a line. You cannot control him and it’s unfair for you to try. In fact, it will likely backfire as he does what he wants anyway and lies to you about it.

I think for him to be honest with you, he needs to know that you won’t try to control him, particularly using faulty information on sexuality. Show him that you’re willing to work toward that; I bet he’ll return the favor by eventually telling you who and what he’s really attracted to. And with the right information, you won’t feel threatened by it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 6, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 30-something bisexual lady who has been happily married to a dude for five years. I feel pretty invisible to the community sometimes, but I know who I am what I’m about and I no longer need to shout it from the rooftops anymore. I’m very happy, if a little lonely in the queerness.

I have always been out and proud (including to my family) and I think I mostly lesbian-identified for a long time. I’ve always appreciated that the people who cared most about me never batted an eye when I told them I was dating and later marrying a guy.

Recently I have had a couple of “Facebook reunions” with (straight) guys I was friends with back in the gay days. Both of them needed to have the “I thought you were gay” talk with me. For one of them, I suspect it was the only reason he made the effort to get together. I felt awkward having to explain that I was always bi, and the whole spectrum of sexuality and how it’s fluid, blah blah blah to these otherwise really hip, accepting dudes. I suspect both of them of having been interested in being more than friends in the past. They both had that “If I had known…” kind of tone. We were also friends enough that they were comfortable asking me directly about this. Blessing or curse? I don’t know.

Anyway, I swear if I never have the “I thought you were gay” conversation again as long as I live, it will be too soon. I can’t help wondering if these dudes (and it’s only ever been straight guys) would go to the same lengths to have the same conversation with someone they always thought was straight who then married someone of the same sex. Is this a double standard? Am I over-reacting? How should I handle these questions in the future? Neither of these guys is a bad or homophobic person. I just feel like I’m back in that teenagery place of feeling like I have to explain the mechanics of my attractions or somehow justify them. Help!

—Roxy’s Paw

You bring up an interesting point: no, I don’t think they would make as big a deal over a presumed straight friend who married someone of the same sex. But that’s because they would figure the friend to have been closeted, whereas no one expects a person they believe to be gay to actually be a closeted hetero.

Most people have to suffer some oft-repeated and bordering-on-offensive conversation about their perceived bizarritude, like, “Didn’t you used to be a lesbian?” or “Where are you from? [to someone not white]” or “Why don’t you drink?” or “Wow, you’re tall, how tall are you?” I certainly wouldn’t say you’re overreacting but when I receive one of these Questions That Hell Wrought, I allow the initial query, having accepted that it’s human nature to be curious. My response is pithy and canned, and I suggest the same for you. “No, I’ve always identified as bisexual. I dated lots of women in the past but now I’m with a man.” Asked and answered, change the subject.

I find that this first inquiry can be an innocent request for clarification or attempt at small talk. It’s the follow-up questions that tend to be shockingly offensive: “So do you two have sex?” “No, really, where are you from? You can’t be American. Is it one of those little Asian countries?” “I’ll bet someone attacked you once when you were drunk, right?” “How long is your dick?” You have every right to abruptly beg off or, in a situation like yours with generally decent friends, tell them that you don’t understand what they’re still confused about and that their questions are making you uncomfortable. By the way, it sounds like your gut suspicion -– that these guys had a thing for you -– is right on the money. That still doesn’t mean you owe them an explanation.

At the base of all of this is bisexual invisibility, as you’ve surmised. It’s a cross that we bear, at least until we succeed at changing the world. Just remember: you’re not invisible to OUR community. Many of us are in monogamous relationships, lots of us used to identify as gay, and pretty much all of us know how it feels to be treated like no one knows you’re here. But the more you stick with the bisexual community as we grow and band together, the easier it will be to deal with expected annoyances like this.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 15, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have just recently come out as bi to a few close friends. Now, a year into my marriage, I am feeling less and less attraction to men and more and more of an attraction to women. It’s actually become somewhat uncontrollable. I have become involved with a female friend of mine, mainly on an emotional (and, at times, physical) level. She is so wonderful and when I am with her, I feel so relaxed and I feel like myself. This is not the first time in my relationship with my husband that this has happened. Any advice?

—Bi Wife

Wild Deuces, I have to admit that my first impulse was to be a bit tough on this questioner, as I felt she was being selfish and dishonest with her husband. But I knew that that wasn’t fair to her. I needed to try harder to be sympathetic and see where she was coming from. I thought that perhaps a bit more information might allow me to be less judgmental, so I wrote back to Bi Wife and asked, “Why did you get married?” She replied:

Dear Tiggy,

I got married because I loved my partner. I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him enough that I could suppress or ignore these other feelings I was having. He seemed OK with the fact that I was attracted to women. I’ve had “feelings” for a very long time; I can even remember having them in high school over 10 years ago. I grew up in North Carolina and didn’t really even know what it meant to be LGBT until I moved to Boston four years ago. I thought that all girls felt the way I feel and that it was just a phase. I wish I had known then what I know now.

—Bi Wife

And that’s all it took for me to get over my judgment and see the perspective of this particular Deuce. Actually, I was surprised that she didn’t seem offended by my question. I think if someone asked me why I got married, even if I had revealed that the marriage was not in a solid place, I’d say, “Because I loved zir,* duh.” But in just a few earnest words, she conveyed to me exactly how easy it would be to wind up in her shoes. Thanks for that, Bi Wife. Now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk snippiness, I can honestly say that my heart goes out to you.

I think the universe really threw you off when it gave you the opportunity to better understand your sexuality well after it gave you a great guy. It really should have done it in the opposite order, and now your life schedule is all out of whack. The universe is an idiot and kind of a jerkface. I think this is what scientists mean when they say the universe is dense.

Because of this, you’ve been trying to find your way through this process of self-discovery while staying married. It sounds like this process has gotten messy, and you need to admit the hard truth to yourself that you’ve cheated on your spouse with at least two people. Maybe you’re even ready to admit to yourself that exploration of your queer sexuality while being monogamously married to a man isn’t exactly working. However, I wouldn’t suggest that you make any immediate decisions about your whole arrangement; figuring this all out will be a process, so take your time.

Since you’re in Boston, I highly recommend that you attend the peer-led group, “Straight Marriage, Still Questioning” on the second Monday of each month. For more information, contact kate.e.flynn [at] gmail [dot] com. Unlike with your sometimes-slow pal Tiggy, you won’t have to wait a single second for these folks to “get” you. They’re in the same position you are and will welcome you into their mutually-supportive space with open arms.

I wish you much faith and courage on this difficult figuring-out period in your life, Bi Wife. I can only suggest that you try as hard as you can to be honest with yourself as you go along. And one more thing: I’d hold off on having children with your husband until you get this all sorted, if I were you.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

*gender neutral pronoun

April 19, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

How do you come out as bi to friends and family if you’re already in a heterosexual marriage?

I’m a guy who was always primarily interested in girls, but open to possibilities. My relationships from high school on were exclusively with women. I didn’t sleep with a guy until my late 20s, which was fun and gave me a chance to explore something I’d always been curious about.

Shortly after that, I started exclusively dating a woman whom I later married. She’s bisexual, too, though she had only one brief non-hetero relationship. Within our marriage, we’ve found space to explore our same-sex interests through fantasy, porn, and safe play with other bisexual couples. The outside world, though, sees our marriage and thinks of me as “straight.” That bugs me a little, because I feel there’s more to me than that, and I’m proud of it.

Is there a point to coming out? How the hell do you do it when the usual impetus (same-sex dating) isn’t something you’re planning anymore?

—Not Just Straight

Sure, there’s a point – a few of them, actually. In your situation, coming out can give you a feeling of integrity, a sense of oneness and wholeness, like you’re not accidentally lying-by-omission, like there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It can make you, and other people just like you, realize that they’re not alone, that there’s a whole community of married bisexuals out there. It can be personally validating, a way of saying, “I really am bi. This isn’t just something that I’m playing out in my head.” Of course, there are legitimate reasons to not come out as well, but it sounds to me like you’d like to find a way to do it.

Now that we’ve established why you might come out, I think you need to decide exactly who to come out to. The easiest folks to tell are other beguiling, bodacious bisexuals. Check BiNet’s map of bi groups in the U.S. to see if there’s one near you, and all the better if they offer a specific group for bi married people. If you can’t find a group like that, you can start your own on MeetUp.com. Surely if you’re suave enough to seal the deal with other bi couples, you can invite them over for a simple coffee klatsch, eh? For pointers on how to get a bi support group up and running, the BRC has a brand new pamphlet that you can download.

Still having trouble rounding up local bis? Start volunteering with the nearest LGBT organization. They may not have a lot of bisexuals in their ranks but these days, lots of Ls and Gs are eager to welcome Bs and Ts. When you volunteer regularly, eventually someone will ask how you got involved with the organization. You can reply that you’re bisexual and want to connect with the community (or whatever other phrase you rehearse in your head 100 times and wait with bated breath for someone to prompt).

Once you’re out to other queer people, you may want to take the next step and just be generally “out,” as it were. It’s an easy, three-part process…

1. Put the message out there. In college, the trick was to put a bi button on your backpack or bulletin board, or a bumper sticker on your car. It turns out that those methods work at any age and, as always, the BRC’s got you covered…covered in bi swag, that is. You can also start casually mentioning in conversation – meaning, of course, Facebook status updates – your interactions with the local queer group, what with all of the volunteering and socializing you’re doing now.

2. Have a stock phrase ready in case anyone wants to verify. “Oh, Ursula and I are both bisexual. It’s never been a secret or anything, it’s just that most people don’t know because we’re married to each other.”

3. Let it spread virally. It’s a pain to have to come out to everyone on the planet individually so you’ll enjoy having your gossipy friends do it for you. Ironically, it’s necessary to outsource when you Bi American.

I’m sure there are a few people who you’ll feel the need to have a “coming out” talk with, like your best friend or your siblings. I’d say you should tackle that some time after coming out to other queer folks but before you start in with the bi buttons. You’ll be more comfortable with it at that point, and your new LGBT friends can provide excellent support and suggestions to you.

Doesn’t this sound fun? We can’t wait to welcome you into the community! Git outta that closet — how’d you even get in there?! Gas up the ol’ bi-mobile and ride right on over to Out Town. All of the other married bisexuals sure will be happy to see you.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 8, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy


Dear Tiggy,

I’m engaged to the most incredible woman in the world (sorry, everyone else!). Everything is going fairly smoothly as we plan the wedding and our lives together but there’s been one sticking point: she wants me to take her last name. Kind of insisting on it, actually.

Really, she just wants us to have the same last name. However, we agree that our last names are too clunky to be hyphenated, and we don’t want our future kids to be stuck with that. I don’t want her taking my name because I don’t think we should change our names at all. For me, my name is my identity, so trading it out for my partner’s doesn’t sit well with me.

I hate to admit it, but there’s a tiny part of me that thinks this has something to do with me being bi. (She’s a lesbian.) Like, maybe she thinks that if I had wed a man, I would have changed my name for him. (I wouldn’t have.)

Am I making a big deal out of nothing or should I stick to my guns? Or are we missing the compromise here?

—In Limbo

I’ll bet a nickel it doesn’t have anything to do with your being bi or her assumptions therein. You’ve done a good job of sussing out precisely what she wants – i.e. for you to have the same last name — but you need to get to the bottom of why. The fact that you think it has something to do with your being bi indicates that you haven’t fully communicated on this issue. Have you told her what you told me about your name being your identity? Have you asked her why it’s important to her that you share a last name?

Start there and build a compromise. You haven’t nearly exhausted all of your options on combining names – how about combining your names into a new one, like Melissa Etheridge did with Julie Cypher? How about keeping your names but each of you tattooing the other’s on your back? – so don’t be afraid to think outside the box as you try to satisfy your values.

For the record, whenever I’ve seen this issue before, the person who wants everyone to have to the same last name feels strongly that it makes them and their children an “official” family. If she’s having trouble articulating why this issue is important to her, you might throw that out as a possibility.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.