Strap your helmets on, Wild Deuces, because Tiggy is answering a couple of sports questions on this two-fer Tuesday.
Dear Tiggy,
My 16-year-old boy just told our family that he is bi, which is okay with me. He is currently in a monogamous relationship with a girl, who knows how he feels. None of his other friends know. He plays competitive sports and my husband now tells him that he should no longer shower in the locker room with the guys as he has always done, since it is not fair to the other guys. I think that this betrays a bias my husband – who otherwise seems to support my son – subconsciously holds. What is the protocol for the locker room?
-S.A.
Perhaps you’ve heard the old adage about homophobia? It’s the fear among straight men that gay men will treat them the way they treat women. A little kernel of truth in there, eh?
The protocol for your son in the locker room is the same it ever was. I don’t think your husband has even thought this through. If your son suddenly declines to shower with his teammates, does he honestly think that will go unnoticed? Is he suggesting that your son out himself? It’s pretty clear that he’s not comfortable doing that yet, as he hasn’t.
Has your husband considered that a shower embargo might put your son in danger of being bullied? Or that he’s projecting how he thinks he would have felt as a teenager in a locker room full of girls, and his son doesn’t exactly feel that way? Or that statistically, there’s almost no way his son is the only bi/gay guy in that locker room?
I do applaud your husband for being otherwise supportive. Right now, he’s viewing this from the perspective of the straight teenage guy that he was. I think an ongoing process of gently nudging him to see things from his son’s perspective would be the best plan.
Dear Tiggy,
I just came out to my dance team that I am bi. My coach said she doesn’t believe in bisexuality, that it’s a phase and I need to choose whether I like girls or boys. She tries to tell me that I just date boys because of the pressure, but I respond that that’s not true; I have fallen in love with boys and I am attracted to males. I am also attracted to girls. She doesn’t seem to get that.
I’m very close to her. How do I have her understand more that it is possible to like both sexes?
-Kait
It’s not your place to educate this adult. It is her duty as a coach to nurture your personal development, or at least not disrupt it, and she’s failing in that.
If you’ve shared with your parents that you’re bisexual, you need to tell them about this ongoing debate with your coach. One or both of them should have a conversation with her – the kind where your parents talk and she listens. They have to let her know that they don’t appreciate her trying to inappropriately influence you with her wrongheaded ideas about sexuality. You’re bisexual, it does exist, and no one gives a rat’s rear what Coach Fussybritches believes. And if they (your parents) hear about even one more incidence of this, there will be consequences. Boom, drop the mic.
I’m guessing you don’t want to get your parents involved or hurt your relationship with this coach. The thing is, as close as the two of you are, she can never really be your “friend” the way your peers are. She’s your coach and filling that role comes with certain responsibilities. If your parents don’t know that you’re bi, please explain this situation to your academic advisor, school nurse, older cousin or aunt, or some trusted adult who can straighten her out.
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.