Dear Tiggy,
I am a woman and have been attracted to women for as long as I can remember, but have never acted on it. I’ve had a few boyfriends, many crushes, but I never felt like I was being totally true to myself. After I finished college last May, I decided to travel because I needed a radical change. With this fresh start, I felt motivated and in touch with myself, including the fact that I am bisexual – in fact, maybe even on the gay side of the Kinsey scale.
I had a few flings in Cuba, which were exciting but not satisfying. On one of my last nights, I met a guy who seemed really sweet. Late that night, he asked me if I felt anything for him, and I didn’t know…so I kissed him, and it was magical! We spent my last four days together and it was some of the happiest times of my life.
I left to continue my journey but he and I kept in touch almost daily through emails. I hooked up with a few guys along the way, but it was purely sex. I felt like I had met the man of my dreams and I had to take advantage of being somewhat single while I could, as I was a late bloomer sexually. I told him about the infidelity because I wanted to be completely honest with him. He was a bit hurt but understood and said we could leave it in the past.
After five months, I went back to him. We talked about being together in the future and the probability of marriage in order to be together. All was glorious but after a while, I got sick. I started worrying, thinking that my physical unease was from the pressure of this relationship. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I am just learning who I am! It turns out that I had a kidney infection, but all the unease led to renewed doubts about my sexuality. He could tell I was changing; things he would do would bother me unnecessarily. We almost broke it off but I couldn’t, it just didn’t seem right. Never seeing him again seemed unfathomable.
I’ve now been back in South America for the last two months. Within a few weeks, I told him about my attraction to women and how I didn’t know what to do. He said he needed me to know what I want because the distance is hard enough. I felt relief being honest with him as well as sadness. I love him and I want to share my life with him in so many ways…but what to do about the sexual part? The sex with him was good but there’s this nagging feeling that I need to try being with women. How could I let so much curiosity go untested?
The question is where to go from here. I am feeling lost and racked with guilt because my curiosity continues, it affects my sleep and my appetite. In the street, I look at men and women and constantly measure my level of attraction, comparing and contrasting. I have the support of friends and family from afar and am only staying here for now due to a great career opportunity. I want to talk to my boyfriend about how I’m feeling, but not over the phone, and I won’t be going back to Cuba for a few months. My mother told me to hook up with a girl first to see how I feel, but I don’t want to be unfaithful again.
I really don’t want to lose him and couldn’t bear to hurt him. I can imagine a future with him, children even…but for now, all I need is some inner peace. I want to be the best “me” possible, open and loving, because it’s what he deserves and I want to give it to him. Any suggestions?
—Love Embargo
P.S. Reading your advice column makes me feel less alone.
Normally, I edit the letters down to much shorter than this, but I so enjoyed this international soap opera that I had to share it with the Wild Deuces. Love Embargo, you’re a remarkable protagonist: so earnest, so adventurous, so full of feelings, and you sincerely try to treat the one you love with respect.
You know you’ll have to make a choice here and no matter what, you’ll experience pain and a loss in some area of your life. I think you’re asking me which choice is the one that will bring the least pain to your boyfriend, and which choice makes the most sense in terms of your personal growth. Your situation reveals a selflessness toward your man and yet a respect to yourself as a woman striving for self-actualization. Of course, you’ve put Tiggy in the position of bearing the bad tidings…
Ah, Love Embargo. You have to let him go.
You have to let yourself explore. Now is not the time in your life for permanence (i.e. marriage) or promises (i.e. monogamy).You can imagine a future with him but today is not the future; it’s now, you’re 23, you’re seeing the world, and you have yet to “test your sexual curiosity.” Add in the long-distance aspect of the relationship and – as much as you truly do love each other – I don’t see a way to reconcile this romance with reality.
The kindest way to treat him in this case is to cut him loose. I’m glad that your mom so openly supports your sexual exploration but I’m with you: cheating is not the way to do it. Continue the fully honest exchange you’ve carefully established with him. Don’t leave him hanging on to you while you get with other people. It will tear him apart.
I’m sorry for the tears you’ll share as you work this out. I hope you can salvage a deep friendship with each other.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.