October 15, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a closeted, mature, bisexual man (in my 40s) who happened to meet another closeted, mature, bisexual man. We get along well and care for one another. I think I may be falling in love with him, which scares me.

Since we are both new at this, we’re still finding out things about being bisexual. We have been intimate, kissed and held one another passionately, and enjoyed ourselves. We do lots of things together including going out to dinners and movies. When we’re in the car, I will reach out and kiss him sometimes but I’ve noticed that he’s a bit reluctant to kiss back, sometimes even if we’re alone at home. He always kisses me back but he seems a little uncomfortable with it. I asked him and he said “I’m not used to kissing another guy.” I replied, “I’m not either but I enjoy kissing you.”

He says he’s still getting used to this other part of himself. As for his family, he was brought up by a verbally and physically abusive father and barely shakes hands with his brothers when he sees them after a long period. He’s never been married and is in his 40s, and is a conservative religious guy with preconceived ideas about people of different sexual orientations. He says to me, “It feels so right when I’m with you but I’m still uncomfortable about kissing another guy.”

I hate this…why would I fall for an emotionally unavailable guy? Should I just break this up before I get myself in trouble? I think I love him.

-Brook

The poor guy is suffering from a terrible case of internalized biphobia. I believe most queer people have internalized our society’s LGBT antipathy to some degree but this appears to be a tough case with possible aggravating factors including his political, religious, and family influences.

You sound like a caring, sympathetic, all-around sweet person; he’s lucky to have you. I suggest you find either a group for or a therapist who specializes in men addressing sexuality issues. You likely won’t find bi-specific help (which is a bit worrisome because others might try to convince you/him that you’re not really bi but gay) but I actually think it might be more important to find one that suits your ages and perhaps his religion.

I think you should find this therapist or group and go once before bringing it up with him. Explain to him that you’re going because you don’t want to feel conflicted around him anymore and that you just want to be happy. Tell him that you’d feel better if he went with you, but then give him a bit of time to decide whether he will or not. I believe setting it up like this is your best chance of getting him the emotional help he needs.

If he refuses to accompany you at first, go alone. Although this exercise is mostly for him, you could use a little sorting out, too, right? Perhaps you could focus on your reasons for being closeted, or on why you have fallen for someone emotionally unavailable. (The question alone shows your keen introspection. Unfortunately, the answer is so complex that I could never deduce it from just a letter.)

Don’t give up on him yet, Brook. You might love this guy. I think that trying to overcome some of your internalized biphobia together might be a watershed moment for this beautiful relationship.

 
This one goes out to Brook’s guy. Don’t let the haters get into your head.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 28, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My name is Jessica and I’m 18 years old. Up until now, I identified as straight and never questioned it. But last year, I started developing feelings for two female friends of mine, so over the past month I’ve begun identifying as bisexual.

My uneasiness is that I’m afraid that it’s just a “phase” and that sometime in the future, I’ll be straight again. I’ve told a few close friends about this and they are all supportive of my feelings, but my mom believes that it’s a phase and that I’m just being a teenager.

My feelings for these girls are different than how I’ve liked guys: not as intense, not quite as sexual, but I still like them more than any of my other female friends. It’s more than just wanting to be their close friend.

If my bisexuality is a phase, I want to stop it and just be straight. I don’t like being in-between, if that makes sense. I don’t feel the same sexual tension around the girl I like than I have around a boy I’ve liked, and sometimes I worry that that means I’m not really bisexual. Any thoughts on the subject would be unbelievably helpful. Thank you.

-Jessica

Let’s unpack the idea of a “phase,” shall we?

If a woman has romantic relationships and sex with only women throughout her adolescence and adulthood until, at age 42, she falls in love with a man and has a monogamous marriage with him for the rest of her life, was her lesbianism just a phase? Or was her attraction to that man just a phase, cut short by her untimely demise at age 94?

If a man has sex with exactly the same number of men as women, dates exactly the same number of men as women, and has equally long relationships with — you guessed it — exactly the same number of men as women, is he in a phase? If so, which part of his behavior is the phase?

What kind of dating involving trans, genderqueer, or intersex people is considered a bisexual phase?

If roughly as many gays and lesbians decide to have relationships with the opposite sex as bisexuals decide to identify as homosexual, why isn’t homosexuality labeled a “phase”?

What is the time limit on a phase? What is the maximum number of relationships in a phase? How many discrete stints of dating a particular gender of person does it take to graduate from a phase?

You’re getting my point, I’m sure. When it comes to bisexuality, the “phase” label is arbitrary, yet never in our favor. It is true that people at certain points in their lives – particularly teenagers – go through developmental stages and experiment with various behaviors and points of view. However, you will not find a shred of scientific research that portrays bisexuality as a developmental phase.

When something as ubiquitous as this theory does not bear out by logic, you know that the answer is emotional. Only a painful history of bisexual oppression explains this ever-present, condescending label. It is a moniker put upon us by others who are not allies. Its intention is to debilitate us as a community, as people. Regrettably, many of us have internalized it.

As to whether you personally are experiencing a phase, my answer is that it doesn’t matter. I apologize for the cliché but life really is about the journey, not the destination. Whether you’ll feel this way in a year, or ten years, or forever, or only until 4:38 p.m. on Thursday is of little consequence. You feel this way now. Your life is now.

Jessica, there is little choice in having these feelings, but you possess all the agency in how you respond to them. Thus far, you’ve shown real honesty and courage. Keep going, you’re doing great.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 4, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a guy in my mid-20s and I am confused about my bisexuality because I have only been with women. I actually wish I was not bisexual and when I feel attracted to men it is a feeling I do not like.

My problem is that I have several times (but not always) felt that I am more attracted to men than women. Sometimes the urge to kiss a guy is stronger than the urge I have ever felt with a woman. And when I think about doing something with a guy I can get more turned on than when I think about doing things with a girl. Even when I masturbate the feeling is different, i.e. sometimes more tingling when I think of a guy.

That is not to say I don’t feel strong urges with women. When I see hot girls and I think about their bodies, I just want to go over and grab them. There are also things I prefer with the female body, such as the soft skin and breasts. But as I mentioned before, I have never been with a guy – and I don’t really want to – so I don’t know if these feelings are true or if my mind is just playing tricks on me.

Why I find this disconcerting is because I am not happy with being bisexual. I want to have a wife and kids some day. I want to have a woman I can hold and share my life with. I can’t really picture myself lying in bed cuddling with a man. What makes things even more confusing is that I have never been in love before. If I had been in love with a woman, I might have not been that afraid of feeling a strong lust for men because I would know I was capable of loving women. So whenever I feel attracted to men, I am afraid that I am more attracted to them than women.

In my head, there is an eternal battle. Can I really be more attracted to men when I have never been with one (and don’t particularly want to be)? Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal? Is my body telling me I want to be with a man, while my mind says I don’t?

Apologies for the excruciating detail and the explicit content, it’s just that I am really confused and depressed a lot of the time.

-Chris

Your letter makes me so sad for you. Lying in bed at night thinking, “I don’t want this…I don’t want to be this,” is incredibly painful. I hope my thoughts offer you solace, if not immediately, then in the long term.

The good news for you is that plenty of male bisexuals fall in love and settle down with a female partner. Furthermore, the vast majority of bisexuals don’t like all sexes equally. I’ve come to believe that nature abhors perfect balance just as much as it hates vacuuming. How would a person even measure whether zir* affection and attraction to one gender is precisely equal to zir feelings for another? And even if you did, for example, have a stronger pull toward men than women, you could still fall in love with and have a long term relationship with a woman.

But honestly, I think your wish not to be bisexual comes from internalized biphobia. Your revulsion in imagining cuddling and having sex with a man is likely from the same source. You ask, “Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal?” and I believe that’s probably correct.

There is such a thing as being a heteroromantic bisexual – that is, a person who is romantically attracted only to a different gender but is sexually attracted to more than one gender. I don’t think that’s what we’re dealing with here, though.

As I see it, your actual problem has little to do with sexuality and everything to do with your need to control your own life story. Chris, the truth is that control is an illusion. None of us is completely in charge of how we turn out. You don’t need to try to force your life to perform the hetero script you wrote for it…in fact, you couldn’t even if you wanted to, no matter how much you ruminate on this issue. So stop trying to mentally measure every urge and feeling because you’re going to make yourself nuts.

Focus your energy on letting go of the need to control your life’s narrative. You can look into Buddhism and start meditating, or read a self-help book like this one or this. Train yourself to welcome whatever may come into your life and you’ll be much more content regardless of what happens.

*gender-neutral pronoun

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.