September 16, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a high school student who came out as bisexual last year to my friends and the news has fairly progressed throughout the school since then. After I came out I had my first girlfriend a year after having my first boyfriend.

People assume I’m just lesbian and that I despise guys but that’s not true. So many people refer to me as gay that I’m starting to tell some people I’m lesbian and some I’m bi. I’ve noticed that I choose depending on how I feel about that person. I don’t know why I’m doing this but it is very conflicting to me.

I have a crush on a guy but I feel like I’m holding myself back from telling him because if something were to happen between us, there would be too many questions about my sexuality and too much drama. What doesn’t help is that everyone tells my ex-boyfriend that he “turned me gay,” not to mention the fact that we are all in one sports team. Help?

-Steph

Being on a team is drama. Basic sociology dictates that humans in a group are going to date each other and break up, and observing teammates have to more or less roll with it. And sports are nothing — you should see what it’s like being in a theatre production. It’s called Drama Club for a reason. Anyway, the truth is that if folks are talking about you, that means they find you intriguing. There are worse things than being popular, sweet Steph. It does stink to get bad PR, though.

Since you’re the one who has the interesting business that everyone else wants to be all up in, you ought to revel in said business. Specifically, focus on this guy you’re after and let the Greek chorus that’s following you fade to background noise. Every time you find yourself getting caught up in the peer analysis of your romantic life: stop, recognize it, and redirect that energy toward the dude. You only have so many hours in the day to care about stuff. Prioritizing your energy is vital.

Let me get a little Wizard of Oz on you for a sec: I believe that you’ve always had the brain, heart, and nerve to address those who are curious about your love life. However, instead of giving you a diploma, a medal, or a watch (which was sort of random…?), I want to give you a phrase: “I’m 100% bisexual.”

The word “hapa” was at one time a slur against people who are part Asian/Pacific Islander and part (an)other race(s), as it comes from the Hawaiian word for “half.” But then a beautiful thing happened: mixed race Asians reclaimed the word and connoted it for the positive. I smile when I see “100% Hapa” bumper stickers, knowing it’s a point of pride. (Can you imagine how rad it is to be a hapa bisexual? That’s 200% hapa in a single person!)

So we’re taking a page out of the hapa book for you today. When someone asks you about your sexuality, just say, “I’m 100% bisexual.” It’s pithy, it’s ironic, it’s self-confident, it says all you need to say. Don Draper would love it. If your curious friend mentions that they heard you identify as a lesbian some days ago, you don’t need to get into your experimentation in advertising yourself to different markets; just say, “I figured it out.” You weren’t lying before (or now) and your sexuality didn’t change, you figured it out. Any further questions can be answered with, “Now, now. A girl has to have some secrets,” and a change of subject to your inquisitor’s love life.

Oh, and the next comment about your ex turning you gay should be met with an eye roll and a muttered, “That joke is so old.” If the person saying it is trying to humiliate your ex in front of the rest of the team, go full throttle and state firmly, “Stop saying that. It’s not true and it’s not funny.” If you can, you should privately say to your ex at some point that no matter what has or will happen since you two were together, nothing is going to change the fact that you liked him. Anyone can say whatever they want because what matters is that you and he know it was real.

But enough about him…go get that new guy.

This movie was about 100% better than the trailer made it look.
P.S. Check the poster’s handle. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 1, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m at uni* and only just got into queer culture, so there’s a lot of catching up to do. I was brought up to never treat anyone any way because of their sex and to let people make their own decisions.

My problem is that I always thought that the point was to eliminate gender roles entirely, and yet for a lot of people it’s clearly very important to claim a different one than what was assumed at birth. Additionally, I don’t want any gender role or to be labeled with one.

How can I continue to fight for lack of gender discrimination and roles whilst being respectful of others’ decisions and identities? I’m not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act, it’s just meaningless to me. I’m aware that I’m treading a thin line and would like some advice on how to discuss these notions without being insensitive.

-N

You’re on to the vital notion that when it comes to identity, self-determination is the key. You’ve mastered the act of “not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act” but understand that your decisions for yourself — like not “want[ing] a gender role or to be labeled with one” — are just as worthy of respect. Take heart, N: you’re closer to coming to grips with all this than you think.

So let’s separate the idea of gender from gender roles. In my opinion, the latter is something assigned to you by society, an imposing monolith that is neither objective nor even self-aware. Society creates classes and runs its agenda on everyone by assigning each one as “better” or “worse” than another. It eliminates your right to self-determine, and that’s what’s wrong.

Many minority movements have sects who argue their people are no different in literally any manner from those in power. It’s a defensive strategy in response to the majority’s insistence on interpreting minority differences as “worse.” From what I’ve seen, this is a sisyphean approach to social justice. The hegemony will always find methods and reasons to make others seem different in bad way.

Better, I think, to embrace the ways in which your people are culturally different from the norm and know that it’s OK. No, you know what? It’s better than OK: it’s something to celebrate. This is what BUST Magazine, for example, is trying to do with women’s culture.

Roles aside, gender is something intrinsically felt. When I say that I know I’m a woman, it’s not because I like to wear make-up or whatever other behavior society is trying to pin on me. It’s something I feel inside. It’s part of my core essence. If being genderless feels comfortable to you, go with that because it’s your right as an autonomous person. Keep respecting the same right for others, and know that everyone doesn’t need to be the same to deserve to be treated the same.

*Short for “university.” Come on, Americans, keep up.

 
I’m hoping we’ve all moved beyond this.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 15, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I recently found out that my husband of seven years has been viewing bi porn. I had my suspicions that he may have these tendencies but we are in a monogamous, loving, hetero marriage.

We are currently in counseling because I was overwhelmed with having this in front of my face and felt betrayed. I’m angry and afraid that this might destroy our relationship, and because he never really admitted it to me, even though I questioned him over the years.

Now it is out, and our therapist is very optimistic that we can overcome it and stay married and faithful. I’m dealing with my confusion and coming from a place of kindness instead of insecurity and resentment. I am convinced that my husband truly loves and is devoted to me and our wonderful life together.

In your opinion, is this a common bump in the road that we can grow and recover from? Can he fight his urges and remain faithful to me? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I just need to be able to set aside my fears in a positive, understanding way and drop the whole thing. We both want our marriage to last forever and he is willing to not view the things he knows would upset me. He realizes it is deceitful even though there is no physical acting out.

I am hopeful that with continued therapy, we can sort all this out and move beyond it. I respect your honest opinion and need to know that we are on the right path.

—Sea Dubbs

Communicating with honesty and kindness and working with a trained therapist is the right path no matter what, I’d say.

Yes, bisexuals are capable of monogamy. You’re one of my many readers who has confused bisexuality with polyamory. One doesn’t necessarily go with the other. Here, read this.

However, there’s an important unanswered question: can your husband identify his sexuality? The fact that he views bisexual pornography is not a definitive indicator to whether he is –- or isn’t –- bisexual, straight, or gay. Perhaps he knows how he identifies but hasn’t been honest with you because he’s afraid you’ll shame him, think he’s abnormal, be disappointed, or make him stop looking at porn.

Each couple comes up with their own terms for cheating; I think it’s time for you to reevaluate yours. Do you want your husband to eschew all porn, or just anything that indicates he’s other than heterosexual? If it’s the latter, would your opinion change if you accept that his preferred pornography is not the final judgment on his sexuality? Do you understand that even if you banned male porn for him, he can still use his imagination?

Do you fantasize about people, situations, and sexual acts that you would never want to experience in real life? If so, then why can’t your husband do the same?

My point is that mutually defining your terms for cheating is fair game, but you may have crossed a line. You cannot control him and it’s unfair for you to try. In fact, it will likely backfire as he does what he wants anyway and lies to you about it.

I think for him to be honest with you, he needs to know that you won’t try to control him, particularly using faulty information on sexuality. Show him that you’re willing to work toward that; I bet he’ll return the favor by eventually telling you who and what he’s really attracted to. And with the right information, you won’t feel threatened by it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 14, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a sixteen-year-old girl and I’m at a really confusing part in my life. As a kid, I identified as straight because I didn’t know there was any other option. I had my first real crush when I entered ninth grade, and it was on a girl. I really wanted her to be my girlfriend. I was really confused, but I made myself get over her. I see girls and check them out. There’s so many of them at my school, it’s like constant bombardment. Every crush I get is on a girl. I do think guys can be cute, though. There’s this one boy that I want as a boyfriend.

Thinking about sex with a guy sounds painful to me, but I’ve never tried it. I’m also curious as to what sex with a girl would feel like. Girls really turn me on. One of my friends came out as lesbian to me and I felt like I should have come out to her, but I have no idea what I am. I have never kissed or been with anyone before. I want to come out. Should I come out as bi?

—Booklover

I want you to think of your sexuality label as a favorite shirt.

Do you have one favorite shirt for your whole life? Probably not — maybe you grow out of it, maybe you move to a different climate and it’s not warm enough anymore, maybe styles change and argyle suddenly seems passe. But it’s just a shirt, not a suitcase of diamonds that you’ve handcuffed yourself to. When it’s not working for you anymore, you get a new one.

The two most important things about this shirt are that you like it and it fits. Only you can decide those things; no one else has to wear your shirt, so they can’t judge whether it’s bunching up in the armpits or if the color kind of washes you out. Tiggy the Saleslady can offer you some suggestions but remember that it’s always in your hands. Don’t let some fool put a shirt on you. And hey, don’t overthink it. Worse case scenario: you get a case of buyer’s remorse, so you get a new shirt. No biggie.

Lemme take a look at you…I’d say you’re probably a size “Q” for “Questioning.” We don’t really know until you try it on, though. You don’t have to wear it in front of anyone right away, or ever. Take plenty of time to look in the mirror and decide how it feels. People usually determine the comfortability based on whether it jibes with their crushes, their fantasies, their romantic history, their politics, their culture, and their view of themselves. You call the shots on how important each one of those things is. Finding the right fit is an art, not a science.

If the “Bisexual” label feels better to you, then great, go with that. “Bisexual” was a label that a lot of questioning folks used to use before “Questioning” became an option. Some bis are still touchy about that, but only because after using our label as a safe harbor, a handful of former-bis went on to spread the false rumor that all bis are just closeted gays/lesbians. (What people don’t realize is that a large amount of folks do the opposite, i.e., identify as gay or lesbian and then later change their label to bisexual.) So as long as you’re not a hater later, you’re more than welcome to snag a fabulous bi shirt for however long you want it.

Why don’t you research what each letter of our community means and see how you feel about them: LGBTTTQQIAA. Also, check out the definitions of these B.I. (bi-inclusive) identities: fluid, pansexual, omnisexual, and pomosexual. You might decide to keep your Straight shirt on for now even though you think you’re growing out of it – that works, too. Last but not least, there are many people who are most content with no sexuality label at all. That’s right, even going topless is an option.

I know that this process can make you feel like you’re in an airport on a layover; you just want to get where you’re going already. But we’re all on our own lifelong, dynamic journeys of sexuality, and getting there is much more than half the fun. I think you should focus on building relationships with people you think are cool, entirely regardless of gender. Absolutely do not push yourself to try anything romantic or sexual that makes you uncomfortable; it will not “prove” anything about your sexuality one way or another.

Good luck, Booklover, and happy shirt shopping!

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.