Dear Tiggy,
I’m at uni* and only just got into queer culture, so there’s a lot of catching up to do. I was brought up to never treat anyone any way because of their sex and to let people make their own decisions.
My problem is that I always thought that the point was to eliminate gender roles entirely, and yet for a lot of people it’s clearly very important to claim a different one than what was assumed at birth. Additionally, I don’t want any gender role or to be labeled with one.
How can I continue to fight for lack of gender discrimination and roles whilst being respectful of others’ decisions and identities? I’m not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act, it’s just meaningless to me. I’m aware that I’m treading a thin line and would like some advice on how to discuss these notions without being insensitive.
-N
You’re on to the vital notion that when it comes to identity, self-determination is the key. You’ve mastered the act of “not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act” but understand that your decisions for yourself — like not “want[ing] a gender role or to be labeled with one” — are just as worthy of respect. Take heart, N: you’re closer to coming to grips with all this than you think.
So let’s separate the idea of gender from gender roles. In my opinion, the latter is something assigned to you by society, an imposing monolith that is neither objective nor even self-aware. Society creates classes and runs its agenda on everyone by assigning each one as “better” or “worse” than another. It eliminates your right to self-determine, and that’s what’s wrong.
Many minority movements have sects who argue their people are no different in literally any manner from those in power. It’s a defensive strategy in response to the majority’s insistence on interpreting minority differences as “worse.” From what I’ve seen, this is a sisyphean approach to social justice. The hegemony will always find methods and reasons to make others seem different in bad way.
Better, I think, to embrace the ways in which your people are culturally different from the norm and know that it’s OK. No, you know what? It’s better than OK: it’s something to celebrate. This is what BUST Magazine, for example, is trying to do with women’s culture.
Roles aside, gender is something intrinsically felt. When I say that I know I’m a woman, it’s not because I like to wear make-up or whatever other behavior society is trying to pin on me. It’s something I feel inside. It’s part of my core essence. If being genderless feels comfortable to you, go with that because it’s your right as an autonomous person. Keep respecting the same right for others, and know that everyone doesn’t need to be the same to deserve to be treated the same.
*Short for “university.” Come on, Americans, keep up.
I’m hoping we’ve all moved beyond this.
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.